Silent abuse – The mind game by Teresa Cooper

We have all suffered many forms of abuse but the least talked about is “The mind game” otherwise known as the silent treatment; ie deliberately ignored to cause harm to another persons mental well being, sent to Coventry, deliberate sabotage to a persons life or/and credibility and is one of the most harmful methods of abuse used by abusers who feel that

“If they do not use their hands to physically abuse then it isn’t abuse.”

Wrong

It is abuse to ignore someones needs emotionally and make them feel worthless, depressed and will cause long term damage so much so that in many cases it can lead to the victims physical health being harmed.

To deliberately cause harm to someone by use of the silent treatment, deny a person any emotional care, deny them any praise, starve them of love, affection, compliments, positive feed back, to regularly reject, degrade and deny a person any emotional responsiveness and to ignore a persons needs is mental abuse or also known as psychological abuse.

It is repetitive abuse that’s aimed at controlling, diminishing another persons well being in order to hurt, punish, harm or control them.

The silent abuser is able to switch himself off emotionally to the pain and suffering he is causing his victim and will deny he is the problem and he may tell himself or others that he is the victim.

You stop being a victim when you become the abuser

The abuser is capable of closing down all reasonable sense of emotions and turn into a cold heart very fast as he withdraws into his own world without any care for his victims distress . The abuser will behave in society charming, calm, happy, he will be seen by others as a pillar of society, gentle natured, helpful, kind, caring and fool the outside world into thinking he is abused and his partner is the abuser.

This is classic of a mental abuser. They will have their partner labelled a mental case whilst he plays the victim and saint and makes her the subject of of every ones rejection by labelling her with an unbalanced mind.

The true victim will be further rejected not only by her abuser but also by his friends, work colleagues, family and others he is likely to meet. The abuser needs to feel in control and he will seek constant approval from those around him and convince them that he’s the true victim. They will offer him advice and he will feed off their pity which will make him feel even more in control as he plays the victim.

The true victims may withdraw from all social activities, work, stop seeing family, they stop being fun, will see everything in a negative light, stop eating which is the start of dangerous health issues, cry alone, send text terror messages as a means to fight back which only gives the abuser more ammunition to abuse her with as he will use that as a further excuse to ignore and make her look bad in front of others.

The abuser will happily share the text messages because he wants everyone to see him as the victim. The true victim will stop functioning on all levels as the mind games take over her life.

She will find it hard to think of anything else but what is happening to her. The victim will fight with her own mind and struggle to work out if she is being abused or is she truly the problem. The victim may start behaving irrationally from the stress caused by the mental abuse.

Mental abuse is not normally seen by anyone on the outside looking in because they see the abuser as a strong, calm, caring and sincere person and will not be able to see the true character behind the person in front of them that they think they know so well.

Do you really know the person standing next to you?

Out of all the abuse I suffered (I am female), the one part of the abuse I have always struggled with is “being ignored” and made to feel I was in some way, the problem. When I begged for the abuser to stop he didn’t listen and when I sought help, no one listened. The more I was ignored the more it built up an extreme and unlikely intolerance for being “ignored” which has stayed with me as an adult.

I left care with that intolerance to the ugly side of human nature that often sees many people misuse the silent treatment to harm others. Some justify this behaviour and kid themselves that it’s in some way an honourable stance to take. Ignoring someone briefly when done to express dissatisfaction is very different to the silent treatment.

To ignore someone as a regular means to punish, hurt or upset someone as payback or for whatever reason, is in my opinion and the opinions of experts to be considered, one of the worst forms of mental abuse that exists in human nature. It causes irreparable damage to a person’s mind and will see the victims behaviour change slowly but noticeably when its out of control, especially by others who are close and on the outside looking in.

There are times the abuse continues and the victims show now outward signs to those who are close while the mental abuser witnesses the dramatic and extreme behaviour change in a direct response to his/her mental abuse in the “silent treatment”.

The silent treatment is a form of punishment and control and the person using it to harm another, feels a lack of care, responsibility or remorse and can not or will not communicate as she/he watches the victim slowly deteriorate. Someone who was once a lively, happy and fun person to be around turns into a whole new personality and becomes withdrawn, reclusive or maybe verbally aggressive to the abuser in a vain bid to stop the abuse of the mind.

The person dishing out the “silent treatment is FULLY aware of the damage they are doing and they are FULLY aware that all they need to do to stop the abuse is to simply talk to the victim.

The abuser will not talk to the victim when in control mode and when he does he will constantly lead the victim into a false sense of security at leisure, only to ignore again.  The abuser will provoke any situation with silence which inevitably triggers off the victim who can never work out what has happened to warrant more silent treatment.

Each time the victim finds himself/herself fighting desperately with the abuser in a vain bid to stop her/him giving the silent treatment all over again. Its a catch 22 for most when dealing with a narcissistic personality.

The victims behaviour can change so dramatically he/she is hardly recognized as being the same person. Every time the silent treatment begins the victim is pulled further and further down and the abuser sits back and carries on with daily chores, blatantly ignoring the victim whom is obviously so distressed that no normal thinking individual person could or would sit back and watch such a shocking display of suffering.

The victim may withdraw completely, stop talking i.e. friends, stop socializing, stop eating, start drinking, stop working, start text terrorism against the abuser as a defence mechanism of protection but it never works, suicidal thoughts, self-harm and that’s just a few of the side effects of a victim suffering from mental abuse.

The “silent treatment” otherwise named as “deliberate intent to ignore” or “ATCH” which means ‘absent to cause harm’ which is where an abuser completely cuts the victim off and the abuser will not budge. They often acknowledge in their own minds that the victim is suffering but do nothing about it, walk away and simply ignore it.

The latter is a very dangerous form of mental abuse.

I have often heard stories of men ignoring their partner, even after causing such distress that she has taken to self-harm or attempts to take her own life. The mental abuse has weakened her once strong mind into a nerve wrecking display of self doubt and depression. The abuser will hear her calls of desperation and he will empty himself of all emotions and walk away. He will show no emotions as she tries to take her own life. He will convince himself that she deserves it for hurting his feelings by trying to fight back.

Its not often friends get to witness the mental abuse of the systematic silent treatment or mind games from a partner because it is silent. In some cases friends will witness erratic behaviour of the victim but cant quite understand what’s going on because the victim will blame everything but her abusive partner. It is rare anyone on the outside of the relationship sees the suffering of the victim as the abuse often like most forms of abuse stays “within the immediate relationship”.

The male abusers friends will only see their charming friend who they all love because he will do anything for them but seldom do his friends or family witness what he is doing to his partner. They will only see the abusers partners displays of distress especially when triggered in a public place or social gathering.

The “silent treatment, ignoring or ATCH” abuser is fully aware of their actions and fully aware they are causing a significant amount of harm to the victim in most cases but there are those who do believe they are the victim. The victim may at times have the odd outburst in front of others or in a public place.

The abuser will then inform his family of every little thing his victim/partner does as he seeks refuge in their company and portrays himself as the victim in need of support, because he has a totally “maniac” partner whose lost the plot. He is then seen as the wonderful soul who is good enough to tolerate such a manic person in a relationship.

This form of mental abuse is used more often by the man than a woman but men do suffer this same form of abuse and they too remain silent because they do not want to be seen as un-masculine.

Eventually once the victim has been totally broken down by the mental abuser, she will give up fighting back, beg for forgiveness and beg the abusive partner to forgive her. She may well go to the extremes to try and make it up to her man because she has been slowly drawn in and is now under his mind control.

The man will continue to use this method of mind control and ignore, use the silent treatment or ATCH tactics until his partner has been totally exhausted, feels totally helpless and it opens her up to being controlled just so he can get what he wants. Sadly this form of abuse has seen the deaths of women who self-harmed or taken their lives when their cries for help are ignored by the abuser. It can be a consequence of the action.

Self-harm – deliberate cutting or mutilation of one’s own body including ripping hair out, stop eating, stop going out, withdraw from society, cut off hair, stay in bed, over eat or attempt suicide.

The reason I am touching on this subject is because I have seen a number of women email me on facebook who are going through this right now with their Turkish partners or they have just left such an abusive relationship and sit in silence blaming themselves.

I also want to touch on this subject because I am a survivor of child abuse and I myself have gone through the mental abuse process and contrary to what people believe, it is not easy to leave such a controlling relationship.

Men who have been abused as children physically, sexually or mentally and/or suffered abuse by a parent due to the damaging effects of poverty are well known for using the “silent treatment, ignoring and ATCH” methods to punish and control their partners. These men will convince themselves they are not abusing because they haven’t physically hit the woman and he will convince her he’s very good to her by not saying anything. He will almost always convince himself he’s the victim and show no remorse at all for the suffering he is causing by punishing and controlling someone he claims to love.

These men are often found unwilling to contribute to the relationship they are in and show little or no care or respect for their partner . He expects her to hold the entire relationship together all by herself whilst he laps up the comfort of control and does nothing to contribute or support the relationship. He will not show emotions when challenged or he may eventually turn to violence when confronted.

Ignoring a partner may also be a sign of infidelity or a man who is not in control of his own emotions and shuts down. Regardless of the circumstances, mental abuse and the negative power of the “silent treatment, being deliberately ignored or the ATCH” abuse is never the less very damaging for those on the receiving end and needs to be address by either the abuser entering therapy or for the victim to leave the situation.  If the man recognizes he’s an abuser he can seek help from a professional. The victim must seek professional help to get out of such an abusive relationship before she is so worn down it will diminish her life slowly but surely.

by Teresa Cooper

When does the silent abuse turn into physical abuse?

UPDATE

This article also relates to men who also suffer this form of abuse by their partners.

Related story

Oh how I tried, Oh how I cried until the day he broke me. Life with a sociopathic love rat

COMMENTS

• On 18th Jun 2012 at 12:33 PM lorraine said…

  Abuse does come in many forms, some people recognize and admit to. some they deny. as you said “hands on” is the most recognized form.. But i honestly believe in adult life mental abuse is worse.

  There have been many times in my life time, that i can honestly say i would rather of had a slap in the face than to be treated with such disrespect, ignored, and left to feel down trodden.
  I know we are all in control of our own lives and minds. yet some people have a knack of coming in to our lives filling us with (what we believed at the time to be) love and hope for a brighter future.
  Once love has taken over, its powers become so strong it holds us to that person in such a manner it feels impossible to walk away from..
  we stand by them through thick and thin..the only problem with this kind of abuser is they never really cared in the first place. so love to them means nothing.. its a no win trap for us.
  They will make us feel useless,convince us we are unwanted by any other, tell us we are damaged goods, yet the love we feel is the strongest drug on the planet, and hold us with in its trap..
  Like any drug escape seems impossible..

  How much can we take ? when do we wake up and walk away ? what is it that pushes us to fight back and leave ?

  In my case it was my children..
  I admit it took a a while. i was the one who was mentally abused, before it turned physical, and for i while i even put up with that, staying silent, hiding the bruises.
  Until the day he turned on my daughter.
  I cant say for sure what happened but i can tell you the beast inside me came to the surface.
  i changed from being the victim, to a strong mother in the blink of an eye.
  i fought back with everything i had all the pent up fury he had left me with. i found the strength to contact the police.
  And he was removed.

  that was only the first step. removing the abuser does not stop the abuse.
  to them its a game they must win.
  he contacted me, declaring his undying love for me. (false) sobs on the end of a phone line as he told me how stupid he had been and how sorry he was. that it would never happen again..

  And as i told him them. ” your right it wont” come near me or my children again and if the police dont get to you first. i will kill you.!
  now 20 years later i am a very strong person. and my advice to anyone being abused in any way. so leave while you still can..there is help out there. take the first step and contact a friend let them know what is going on. the police will intervene if you ask for help.

   

• On 21st May 2013 at 09:04 PM Tina said…

  Mental abuse is worse than physical, with physical it seems the scars heal, and with mental abuse the scars are on the inside and never heal.  My ex was very abusive, mentally, he would live downstairs refuse to acknowledge me, and he would then shove me against the wall if he had to deal with anything.  Everything I did was a problem, if he had to acknowledge me.  The silent abuse, became ugly words, and then mind games, making me think I was losing my mind, so that he could leave me without guilt, and take the kids.

   

• On 23rd May 2013 at 10:45 AM Emma said…

  I am currently on day 16 of silent treatment.  My fiance and I live 200 miles apart currently – not sure if this makes it easier to deal with or harder.  16 days ago we had the most amazing, romantic, happy long weekend together – planning our wedding, big tears from him when we parted and declarations of everlasting love; but the following day, I was shut out. He is incredibly cold, hostile, only talks about himself, won’t speak to me on the phone, will only communicate by text and gets sarcastic if I don’t reply how he would like me to. Today, I have sent him a text telling him that we are finished and asking him not to contact me again. As much as it breaks my heart to do this, I know deep down that in the long-term, it is the easier option. But my friends are very concerned that he’ll be back – I’m not so sure.

   

• On 27th May 2013 at 10:31 PM Donna said…

  I’m going into the 4th week of the silent treatment from a co-worker.  I’m surviving because of the most important help for everyone in any abusive situation – support from my friends.  People in any abusive relationship have to search deep inside themselves and find the strength to reach out and tell someone who will understand what is going on and get help.  Never ever suffer in silence.

   

• On 29th May 2013 at 08:04 AM Julia said…

  I am again on the receiving end of the silent treatment, we split for around five months after I had taken enough and I started dating again, only then did he want me back….undying love was proclaimed, flowers, meals out, presents, time and ‘love making’ until I agreed to move back in with him and give everything up. Now I am a ‘tart’ for dating others whilst we had broke up, things have come to an ugly head once again after a night out with my friend (after I asked permission) and it was deemed ok, now I never invited him to ‘enjoy’ our night out and he is angry we had a great time without him, I was pictured with an old ‘male’ friend I had not seen for 7 years and thought nothing of it, now I must be ‘seeing him’ as Ive ‘done it’ before(ie date others when split up)Ive been told this picture has wounded him greatly as we looked ‘so cosy’ together on the snap. I had a very uncomfortable weekend as I could feel this coming, as his mood swings began and he just slept a lot and conversation was hard and one sided, he called me from work yesterday to ask what I was doing, he also has keylogger on my pc and laptop/tablet so will be reading this too!!! reads all my private conversations and emails then starts on me again when he doesnt like what he reads, the second phone call was to mention the photo and how wounded he is by it and that we now have no future, yet again, as if I need to go out with friends Im not happy with him. I have nowhere to go, no family and gave up my home to move in here, im ill with worry yet again and my health suffers, I suffer from stress and my stomach is the week area, it hurts so much today from worry. He has no empathy and sex is non exsistant unless I go to him and ‘offer’ myself, this also has to only be in a morning so he can ‘de stress’ before work for a few seconds……. apparently non of his ‘exes’ had a problem with this……..he is now sleeping downstairs, he has also slept in the car to be away from me. it is never his fault, it is always my doing, I look to find companionship with anyone when Im abused like this, then as he reads my private stuff and checks up on me constantly Im ‘in trouble’ again…..its as if he pushes me into a corner, waits for my reaction then feels he was right to abuse in the first place…. crazy making behaviour is a very apt term, I was very out going when I met him, thinner, happier, self sufficient, working….all of which have disappeared but he thinks im just lazy now, he gets irrated if i use a computer game and says I must have a ‘problem’ as I use it too often, hates me social networking, obviously as i have male friends which is totally unacceptable, I have even deleted alot to make him feel better!! but the abuse is never ending, I always do something he feels the need to punish for……he refuses to accept any blame, and im then punished further by relaying my thoughts to friends online as he sits at work reading everything the next day, then the abuse heightens when he returns home as he has been vindicated once again as ive verbally attacked him to my few and far between friends, Im now cold toward him and he wonders why, he knows why deep down but I feel he never loved in the first place as men like this are incapable of love. I would appreciate any comments, as Im so low and dont really know what to do anymore, Ive no money, no job and no home, just living in dead relationship in a house I cant afford alone, I need to move but cant without money or work. Im suicidal at the minute, as Im backed into a corner with no way out, Ive done nothing wrong but the lump in my throat and pain in my side is like ive committed some terrible crime, other than try to enjoy my life, I had to leave work as my co workers seemed to enjoy sending me to coventry also and bitched about me, im starting to wonder if I give off some ‘vibe’ to be abused? Im a people pleaser, I do anything for anyone, I think these terrible people seek you out and enjoy hurting you Xx. ….. Xxx

   

• On 29th May 2013 at 11:09 AM LIZ said…

  So glad I found this article, having been a victim of this I have to say that for me the experience was so much worse than the occasional physical abuse I experienced with a previous partner. In my case the relationship ended when I reacted in all the ways described above, it really did make me go crazy, the worst part for me has been that I never did find out for sure the reason he decided to ignore me… I have my suspicions about why but he never did come out and say what it was so I never even got the chance to defend myself… so hard to get over a relationship like this.

   

• On 7th Jun 2013 at 12:12 PM Alison said…

  I recieved this treatment from my own mother. The longest period of silence was 2 weeks. The longest two weeks of my life. I just wanted to die. The damage she left behind is immense, and still with me today, even though she is dead.

   

• On 9th Jun 2013 at 12:14 PM Jenna said…

  I have just divorced my husband of 10 years because of his repeated use of the silent treatment.  I was in a toxic relationship with him, and usually every week he would “pick a fight” with me over something small and then give me the silent treatment for days.  I used to fight back and beg him to talk to me.  Then, I started going to my mom’s to get away.  When I started doing this every Friday night, I noticed there was a sad pattern here to my marriage.  Also, in my absence from the house, he began using verbal abuse and sending me harassing text messages.  Finally, one day, I had enough. I filed for divorce. We tried one counseling session, but he told the counselor that he didn’t have a problem but that I was a nag.  I decided I wasn’t willing to wait around to work this out—life is too short and precious!  I am very sad to lose the dream of “happily ever after,” but I am now free of his mind games and I live in peace.

   

• On 14th Aug 2013 at 06:36 AM Adelle Richard said…

  I receive this treatment from my dearest boyfriend, I am emotionally abuse by him. Emotional and mental abuse is worse than a physical abuse, the scars made by physical can heal but the scars made by emotional and mental abuse never heal.I experience being ignored. One day, one of my friend held her birthday party, so everyone of us go with our partners. I noticed that he keep calling a girl’s name but the girl kept ignoring him i was amaze, he left and run away chasing that girl. i was hurt and felt worthless. that time, i am not really in the mood to go their what i want is to go home and sleep but i chose to go then,  I saw him walking with that girl. i get his hand and suddenly I was shut out, I just want to cry. Im so glad that i found this article and post my own comment.

   

• On 15th Aug 2013 at 12:12 PM Laserbella said…

  I realy thankful to you because your blog is most informative about the Silent abuse

   

• On 16th Aug 2013 at 03:41 PM Ali said…

  I’m in my early forties and my significant other is 50. I’ve dated him for over 4 years and he pulls the silent treatment with me too. He is so good at projecting and trying to make me think I’m crazy and have issues. I do suffer from anxiety but I wonder why? Sadly, I went to open up an attachment to fill a form and his email outlook opened. I saw an exchange of emails between he and this so called friend. Turns out she is a model and now moving into our area and working at a night club. Pretty soon they are making plans to “bump” into one another. He sends me mixed signals all the time. Before he left for his business trip, he had forgotten his phone and he came into the bedroom and kissed me so passionately and wouldn’t let me go. He also had said, “I miss you already!”

  I’m sick and I can’t cope. He has not talked to me since Monday night because I had asked him if he is in this because we will be seeing a couples therapist. He told me he will see Dr. Lori but he was giving up before we even started. He then drifted the conversation into dangerous areas. I was trying to remain on the positive side. But he kept getting really angry with me. That was the day I had found the email.

  I’m in shock and don’t know how to handle this sort of pain. I don’t know how to move forward as a piece of my heart was ripped out of me. damn him…

   

• On 16th Aug 2013 at 10:28 PM Aide said…

  I too have gone through the silent abuse treatment. I was always apologizing trying to make sense of everything but after reading so much on silence abuse has confirmed everything I was feeling. I thought I was going crazy, I can’t understand how someone who said they loved me could intentionally do this to me. Reading everything I could find in silence abuse has only empowered to no longer allow this person to continue to abuse me. Leaving him to his own devices and excluding myself from his abuse. Thank you for this web sight it has really been helpful. It’s put things into perspective for me.

   

• On 17th Aug 2013 at 12:44 PM Suzie said…

  I cannot believe what I have just read.  Where to start?  You have just written about my husband of 39 years.  I used to be so outgoing, loads of friends, confident.  Now?  A mess.

  It is difficult to have friends anymore because I get so terribly distressed by the silent treatment which can last between days and weeks at a time and I retreat increasingly from the world.  I cannot ask anyone round because I never know what sort of mood he will be in.  I, too, walk on eggshells every single day waiting to see if he is actually talking to me or not.  I search my mind for things I have said or done which have caused it.  I am permanently on antidepressants just to cope with living with him.  I have attempted suicide – seriously – twice.  And you are right.  He doesn’t care.  No emotion whatsoever.  I do not know how I am still here because once I was unconscious for 2½ days following a massive overdose and he didn’t call a doctor, just left me. I still wish I had died but my children were devastated.  He does tell me I am mad, maybe I am these days?  Or maybe just mad for staying.

  I have talked to a solicitor about separation/divorce twice and then he starts being lovely and funny and kind to me again; then I stop proceedings.  Actually I am frightened to be on my own because he controls everything from bills to shopping.  Although I have always worked and raised the children, he is the one with the pension pot and yes, I know I would be entitled to half of that plus half the house and savings, but I am 61 and know I would never be able to get a job and have no idea whether I would have enough income to live on once everything is divided in half.  He will not discuss with me what pension and savings we have.

  He hasn’t wanted me physically since I was 41; funnily enough a lot of other men did (and no, I didn’t ever have an affair and I don’t believe he has either).  Following a serious accident 14 years ago when I had to care for him for about 5 years, he has been unbearable.  There was a head injury involved and it exacerbated a bad situation.  If I try to talk about things he gets up and walks out the room.  Whatever I buy for the house (he will never come out and chose things with me), I have to take back; I guess because he doesn’t like whatever it is, but I would be guessing because the silent treatment starts again and I have no idea.

  He has a drinking problem (in that he cannot go a day without drinking).  He tells me it is his only pleasure in life.  If I complain that the amounts go up too much from the normal (beers followed by a bottle of wine), the silent treatment starts, walking out of rooms if I walk in, etc.  I do hate the alcohol dependency but I wouldn’t mind if he drank himself to death, but it’s the money he is throwing down his throat every day!

  But .. I thank you for this article.  I have never read anything like it before and it has made me realise so many things.  Most of all, what a fool to have stayed all these years and waste my life.  I just wish I had the courage to spend my remaining years on my own.

  I am sorry this is so jumbled.

   

• On 21st Aug 2013 at 07:13 AM Live streaming News said…

  You made some good points there. I believe most people will concur with your site.

   

   

• On 21st Aug 2013 at 10:18 PM Hope Atkinson said…

  I suffered from pnd when i gave to my son and my ex mental abused me. Took me away from all my family. Now he has my son and social services are involved am at court tomrow to try to prove my ex made me ill amd he took my son. Really wish women dont go through what i am xxx

   

• On 23rd Aug 2013 at 12:51 AM Claire said…

  I hate the silent treatment. My sister’s boyfriend does that to her a lot and she always come to me for help. I forwarded her this article, maybe it will help.

   

• On 24th Aug 2013 at 12:59 PM Helen said…

  My mother used to do it to me regularly – it was damaging and hurt dreadfully – and I did do my best to appease her as you described in your writing- but grew up in my teens as a rebellious teenager. As a result my mum and I had a very difficult relationship most of the time she was alive – only making up towards the end. The down side is it opened me up to other abusive relationships.
  The positive side is it helped me to develop better coping strategies, limitless patience, tolerance and to appreciate silence, how to find peace. I became a better observer and gained deeper insight.
  Finally, after years of counselling I have just been discharged from my Psychologist – as a much better person and communicator!

   

• On 29th Aug 2013 at 06:38 AM Mack said…

  I am a man that is in a physically abusive relationship with my female partner. She hits me whenever she gets too upset about something. Now tell me, society says i cant hit a woman and i don’t, so when i get physically,emotionally and verbally abused, i just shut my mouth. And if i have to keep to myself for a week i would, do i keep silent to punish her,no, just processing the whole situation and trying to get over it. Society needs to recognize that a lot of men are suffering in silence, while women cry about being abused, even when they are the abusers. Spare me the BS.

   

• On 30th Aug 2013 at 05:40 PM G said…

  I am a man and I have suffered the exact, almost to the word!! on this kind of abuse. I’m no longer in the relationship after it having repeats of us getting back together. I woul be lead into the false sense of security of having her back and us moving on then she would do it again first it seemed like once a month then it became more frequent 2 weekl then weekly, always with the affirmation she only wanted to be with me and it was forever. Always doing the cold withdrawal and ignoring me then even times where she would just get on with chores and things as if I wasn’t there and I was clearly distressed continuous silence and ignoring me. The last and final time we got back together she did it right in the middle of making love just stopped for up left the room came back and silence and ignored me. I have only recently stopped messaging her I always thought we would get back together again. It is only now I have realised when she has told me she has taken my messages to the police and filling a harrasment charge against me. She always made out I was the problem she always dented her behaviour and never apologised. She would arrange to do things with me then let me down last minute another building of hopes to crush them. I always wanted to work things out we even went to counselling but she gave up because she made me out to be the problem but the counsellor explored things with her also once it got to in depth with her she stopped it and said it wasn’t working because we’d had a couple I rows after that she instigated. I continued going on my own thinking I was still the problem. Through the counselling It confirmed my emotional reactions were natural to this kind of treatment when I was involved emotionally with her. I am now faced with the possibility of a criminal record because of this kind of abuse and the my ex girlfriend turning it round to make me look bad again. My reactions to her treatment towards me was always used to make me feel bad. She ground and ground me down. I struggle at work.. I messaged her to tell her I loved her and that she should seek help to work our why she does it, to stop doing it. I wanted her to communicate with me listen and acknowledge her behaviour and her responsibility to it. I wanted her to realise and say sorry and learn something. I think they call it crazy making. That is how I feel i can’t understand why someone would treat someone like that and I want her to realise how harmful it has been and to feel something some kind of remorse and have some kind of compassion towards me and empathy and understanding of how it made me behave. She blamed me for everything. I gave everything and she expected everything. I got nothing I really needed in the relationship. What makes her do it why couldn’t she see and stop? Why doesn’t she have genuine feelings. I worry what she has actually been through to have to be like this. I’ve written this to free myself of it to tell the world to release my frustration and suffering of almost being trapped and tricked into loving someone for it to actually destroy apart of me and my belief in people. What is this need to be loved yet not want to give it back to someone.

   

• On 31st Aug 2013 at 06:54 PM Graham said…

  Im a Man & my recent ex girlfriend used this exact treatment on me. Shutting down and cold heart, It was repeated time again. Once I moved in. Initially on monthly intervals then two weekly then every week over a period of 6 months after I had moved in. She would lead me in to a false sense of security then suddenly shut down close off and use the silent treatment ignoring when I expressed upset and confusion, or confronted anything, her silence then continued not acknowledging me or any empathy or understanding to my shock or it even felt like my existence. She would stay silent continuing with chores as if I wasn’t even there. I would get upset first then anxious then angry. As soon as I got angry that was when she started putting me down calling me abusive and a physcopath. Always saying I had a problem. I suggested counselling because I wanted it to stop I wanted the issue to be resolved, I loved her, we did this together as I took what she said that I was the problem literally probably because of the amount of times she’d ground me down & told me. During the sessions it was explained the stages of abandonment we all are programmed with for survival initially starts with being upset, then progresses to anxiety then eventually anger. Once the counselling got to in depth and became about how we both communicated and it was not just about me and me being the problem. We had arguments afterwards and she soon quickly said the counselling wasn’t working. It then had to stop. It happened again and once more it was me who had the problem. I actually left her through frustration, because even after the counsellor said if my girlfriend acknowled the upset in the initial stages and responding with loving and caring responses then it would not progress to anything. In the counsellors words my upset was a request or need for some love and understanding. I left &lived; with my parents and because she still said I was the problem I started to go on to counselling on my own. It was through the counselling I realised my reactions were natural to the behaviour I was being subjected to. I came back to her on the condition we would make it work. After two weeks she said she loved me I was what she wanted and it to be forever. I would be lead into false security then she would literally turn. My reactions almost became predictable this time pushed to a different level, as I let her have her silence and didn’t react, her silence lasted 4 days, then when she finally spoke it was something totally irrelevant to what I thought she’d fallen out with me about.  She hounded me saying I couldn’t be trusted & put me down, she got the reaction she wanted eventually. I couldn’t believe it was happening again and she still did it. I would be upset and question why do you do this. Silence and nothing! I would persist wanting to know what made her do it? I couldn’t understand her motivations. She never took responsibility or apologised or saw how she behaved caused the issue. It was always blamed on me and me being insecure. The counselling helped me regain some belief in myself and I stood up to her more and explained how what she did caused the reactions she got from me. Total denial from her that she did anything. This was when we kept splitting up then getting back together she would lead me into false sense of security again, tell me she only wanted me and it was forever. Again doing the same thing. She never took responsibility for her actions or accepted they would have consequences. The last and final time she did it was right in the middle of sex she reacted suddenly stopped and left the room saying nothing then returned and was silent. Ignoring my shock ignoring my confusion ignoring what I questioned I did wrong. Again upset, what did I do? Why?  nothing from her, I then was anxious, what did I do? Why? nothing from her, this was it “she” ended the relationship this time. Even in counselling she was made aware of the stages of abandonment and how any person reacts to a loved one who is no longer there, which is exactly what it is like when you are ignored not responded to and get no warmth or emotional response.
  She had already started the technique of not replying to texts for hours, but when ever i was with her always replying to messages she received. She would ignore calls, we live in a world where people live with their phones by their side. This was another gradual thing, she never behaved like this before I committed to her and rented my house out and sold my furniture to live with her. It was like a switch as soon as I was in her house, in what she could of only thought was her clasp, it began and worsened. As soon as I was In any vulnerable position she used it against me. Since the last time we split I have obviously been messaging her and telling her I love her and sorry for what I did, asking what I did, still thinking I was the problem also still thinking we would patch things up again like we did, and it would be back together forever, I thought she would realise what she does, I even suggested she seek help counselling to over come it or even at least work out & understand why she does it. I had already got used to her not replying.  I have now been told she has informed the police and will be placing a harassment charge against me. Another thing making me out to be bad to put me down to hurt to basically for me to take all the responsibility. I have heard this type of abuse is also known as “Crazy making”. I’m not crazy I was genuine and believed that what she said with trust and as her word. It is clear that her actions contradict all of this and there is no sign of compassion, warmth, respect, understanding, empathy or any basic responses to love. I do not understand why anyone would live their life, waste their time without any good intentions and genuine, authentic or reality, truth in what they say or do. My only way of getting round what I’ve been through is to think she must of been through some seriously bad experiences to need this control to ease her fear and increase her self esteem. I can only say now, it’s her problem and I need to stop caring. But I can’t help wanting to tell her to go and deal with it stop this really bad destructive approach to life. Happiness is not created by this sort of behaviour, if you are the abuser or the abused. There is no way they can be genuinely happy to have to do that! I fortunately can live with myself,  and I know I will peacefully be doing that for a long time. I have peace in myself and know my negative reactions were in defence to an emotional situation with someone who i was emotionally involved with and it was natural survival intuitive responses to abandonment. Instinct is telling you something. I knew this which is why I suggested counselling together. If a relationship is right there is no need for this behaviour. Respect, love, trust & empathy, compassion & understanding breeds enjoyment. Life is to short to be controlled by anyone. Nothing is more valuable than freedom & independence. With a centred person you can have all the positive things and experiences. My focus Is on positive people in my life and my two sons & time alone to centre. Kindness by some people is seen as a weakness. I know it is a strength some people will never have. Anybody reading this should recognise their strength and realise that some people do not deserve your kindness find people that will respect it. Some people cannot be helped, they need to help themselves. Until they admit they have a problem they never will. It is like an addiction to them. Like any addiction it needs to be acknowledged as a problem before it can be healed. I wish everyone luck & love who read this article they obviously have been searching for peace & understanding and want an answer to it. Trust what your instinct is telling you. We fight for survival. If you are finding yourself always compromising always backing down always apologising you are not in a mutual loving relationship with respect. If you feel alone why not be alone. There are always more people in this world and many forms of support who want to help and can help you get over something like this. Start living your life. Don’t live a life controlled by another. Be proud of what you did for that person for love don’t regret it. Value your strengths and your kindness.

• On 4th Sep 2013 at 10:16 PM Philomena said…

  Im nearly into my 9th week of silent treatment over nothing. My husband says when I ask when he’s going to talk to me again – I am the bully – me! Just two of us in the house. This has not happened for a long while.  There is an element of control always but when he’s in good form he’s fine.  Have no family for support.  I hate telling people so I just say he has depression.  Can’t cope Im just a mess. Today Im calm but when alone I will have a cry again.

   

• On 6th Sep 2013 at 04:52 AM Terese said…

  I thank everyone who has been honest enough and brave enough to tell their story.  You have strengthened me.

  My husband has been giving me the silent treatment for a bit over a year now.  It is the most devastating experience I have ever had.  We have been married for 28 years and, at one time, this man was so precious to me.  I am now counting the days until I can file for divorce.

  I have learned from sites like this that his shunning me, sleeping apart, looking right through me, etc. is CALCULATED SADISM.  He treats me so meanly and says, “I’m merely staying away.”  Like he is, innocently, just trying to cope.  Like most, I have begged, bargained, talked analytically, tried to be cheery, and threw fits of screaming;  ANYTHING to break this silent barrier.  I have become the official crazy person with my desperate pleading. Lately I have caught a look of hatred in his eyes that gives me chills.

  It is a very sad lesson to think that a man I wanted to die with is now killing me.  Not only am I emotionally shattered but I fear I could become seriously physically sick. I must remind myself that love, real love, does not freeze up like this.  I need to face the ugly facts about his character. And then run!

  Here’s my one question?  HAS ANYONE EVER WHEN THROUGH THE HELL OF THE SILENT TREATMENT THEN HAD THEIR MATE SNAP OUT OF IT AND RETURN TO THEIR OLD LOVING SELVES?  I know I’m looking for a reason to hang on.

  I appreciate everyone’s truth and courage.

   

• On 17th Sep 2013 at 02:31 PM Duane B said…

  I see women commenting about being abused by men here but what I find most interesting is that women are the ones who use this the most. Maybe it’s because I’m more outspoken then most men on my feelings, I have come across several women, especially my ex who used this method against me. She would shut down as stated above for days at a time thinking she was avoiding a,discussion that was needed. But nope I was right there.
  Ultimately our relationship ended because of this lack of communication…

   

• On 18th Sep 2013 at 09:09 AM jenny thomas said…

  You’ve made some really good points there. I checked on the internet for additional information about the issue and found most individuals will go along with your views on this website.

   

• On 19th Sep 2013 at 09:38 AM Belinda king said…

  I am so pleased I came across this site as I thought I was going mad …my partner started giving me the silent treatment when I woke up and resized what he was trying to do to me . I made the mistake of giving him what he wants and listening to his needs over mine ….

   

• On 22nd Sep 2013 at 02:40 PM Long suffering victim said…

  I am a victim of mental abuse my Mother has always used this she is very wicked for doing so I have health issues now I am in my 40’s. The reason I put up with it for so long was because I idolised her but she was cruel and ignored and had her favourites I have recently woken up and she’s not stopping with it even trying to get me to feel I was a bad mother when I have always put my children first. She tries to make my youngest son whom she sees has hers think I didn’t love him enough.

   

• On 23rd Sep 2013 at 12:21 AM Aide said…

  Hello, I have been a victim of silent abuse for 8 years and I have been proactive in trying to find out why the abuser does this.
  Recently, after searched the Internet trying to get answers on how to cope,  deal and try to understand why my partner behaves in this manner and after dealing with the behavior for so long and being left at a lost each and every single time this happened, I was left angry each time I couldn’t understand why the man that claimed to love me so much do this to me, I told him how he made me feel and what he put me through each time but he never listen he would just ignore me more, so I started started sending him emails of all that I read about the silent treatment, I also text him bits and pieces of paragraphs I read. It was like if I was reading a story of my life and the behavior I had been dealing with. I am not advising anyone to do this I am only stating my experience, after sending him pages of silent abuse treatment and how it affects both of us, I believe he has read it and is making an effort to change. He has not continue to carry on in that horrible manner things are improving daily, things are not perfect but they are getting better, I don’t think he realize the affect that he was having n me until re read the different articles I sent him.

   

• On 24th Sep 2013 at 01:53 PM Ira said…

  My husband does this to me every time he is upset with me. I have never had anyone in my life who said they love me and then make me suffer so much. I asked him to stop so many times, but I know now he will not, ever….so I am leaving 7 years marriage in order to survive. Its just so sad that there is monsters like this out there, I used to love him and thought I am lucky, he broke me mental, I am no longer fun happy woman, I drink too much, I aged and I cry more then he ever know…

   

• On 24th Sep 2013 at 06:05 PM Ali said…

  Well, with all his silent emotional abuse and his demons, he cheated on me. Such a selfish man to allow me to think I was crazy and wrong. He gaslighted me and made me think I was the one with the problems. He doesn’t like to problems. He thinks everything should be honky dory living in some fantasy land. God forbid, I bring to his attention that I am not cool with something. Now, because of his crap, he caused so much pain but in light of it all, he’s now faced with his demons.

   

• On 24th Sep 2013 at 10:23 PM Johnny D said…

  What a great piece ! I am a man and have experienced this almost exactly, over a 2-year period, and it had all those effects, even the worst ones. I only recently ended it after having a lot of time away during a separation. She reared the ugly abusive head again during an argument, and the light went on for me. I resolved, “No more.” Since I made that decision, I am already much happier and coming more and more back to life, unafraid to be myself.

  Predictably, I can not even get her to respond to me about the issue of divorce, to discuss it at all. The silent treatment ! I decided it’s better to just file. The ignoring is just me giving her more control, and she is no longer entitled to ANY over me.

   

• On 25th Sep 2013 at 01:05 AM Banny said…

  This is classic. I kept blaming myself for starting a fight and thought we could work it out. He went silent on me and said he needed time. Time? You talk and work it out. Eventually I texted and called but he never responded and when he did it was cold. I emailed saying I was sorry for whatever I did but still silent. You can’t love someone and then treat them like they don’t exist.  I’m heartbroken and now on antidepressants but I realize that the reason this relationship hurt the most was because he was emotionally abusive.  He didn’t like it when I went out without him and he didn’t like it when my guy friends msged me. It was all signs I didn’t pick up until the end. I thought he was just jealous.  It was about control… Of my time, my friends and who I talked to. This article opened my eyes.  I’m not the bad person he made me believe I am.  I can love and deserve to be loved.  Watch out for the guys who can pretend to love you and do all the right things but when it doesn’t go their way, they turn on.  Lesson learned.

   

• On 26th Sep 2013 at 01:36 AM jacqui said…

  I have been with my husband for 18 years and have suffered this form of abuse over and over again.  Today, I finally took control back of my own life and decided I need to breathe pure air instead of the stench filled shite that he pollutes my environment with.

  It is incredibly hard to break free of this type of abuse because they also give just enough for you to believe they will change, yet they never will and never intend to. It’s all a ploy to keep you dangling because they can’t bare to be alone – who would they victimise if you weren’t there?  How else can they feel good about themselves if they have no-one else to put down?

  Their only aim in life is to have absolute control over their victim.  By their very nature they are parasitic, sucking the life out of a partner, while appearing to be the perfect gent in public.  Even my own family thought he was Mr. Wonderful, perhaps because I never told them my problems in my marriage, I was too embarrassed by the constant rounds of silent abuse and made excuses as to why we had to cancel dinner dates and events.

  He has tried, almost successfully to convince them I am a nutcase, but he didn’t allow for the fact that I, unlike him, have a very close family who saw through him in the end.

  I only wish I had the knowledge I have now much sooner, it would have saved me so much heart ache and grief and I would not have wasted the best years of my life on a leech.

   

• On 26th Sep 2013 at 05:57 PM K said…

  About a year ago, I broke up with my ex.  It was a complicated situation and at the time, I believed that I was truly going crazy.  I have a very strong willpower and understanding of myself, and if not for that I think I would have been truly lost.  It’s hard to explain to others what is happening, and it’s even harder when people I thought were friends called me a crazy ex because of what he said to them about me.  My reaction to this mental abuse was exactly as described here, and he used my reactions against me to tear down my confidence and positive mentality.  I began feeling that I was worthless, not good enough for him or anyone else, and that I was a crazy person who was unfit for a relationship.  Later, I realized that the problem wasn’t me no matter how much he claimed it was true. It was very difficult to come to that realisation, and when I finally broke it off, I was devastated.  The past year has been very hard because I still loved him and he exploited that to hurt me, blaming me for ruining our relationship and his life. I found out from his long-term gf before me had the exact same problems with him, and is still trying to recover years later.  I don’t know what he is doing now, we haven’t spoken in a long time, but I know he has been seeing another girl and I hope that she will do whatever she can to protect herself and get out before it’s too late.

   

• On 28th Sep 2013 at 11:45 PM Sorrycanttell said…

  i was in this situation for so long and suddely the other person ‘‘the abuser’’ (I dont like to call her this way because it makes me the victim which I dont like to label myself as), just replaced me for another person, after giving me a lot of hopes that I would always be the one, and insinuating that as long as i waited long enough she would come back, by saying stuff like ‘‘good bye my everything’‘, ‘‘you are that person’‘. This situation is so sick because i can tell you what happened next, I went on like a crazy person, thinking that I had lost everything I had, I called her 3 months later and she told me she couldnt talk to me and turned the situation around as if I was the guilty one again. She said that her new boyfriend was totally mad because I called, although for 3 years and a half i had done everything for this woman, and for those 3 months I had only talked to her once in the hope that she would finally explain everything and tell me that I didnt have a chance anymore. she even told me she wasent sure about her feelings about the other guy.
  Anyhow, long story short. It made me feel, for a whole year, that I was worth nothing, because this person turned me down like an old peace of cloth that didnt fit anymore, and because I had put all me self-value in fulfilling her needs, in my mind, her turning me down was like being worth nothing. One year later I tryed again, like an obsessed person i tryed to be friends. Not because I intimately wanted her back because sincerely I couldnt imagine that anymore, but because i desperatly needed that person in my life, it just didnt make sense that someone would just disappear out of nothing, like as if she had been sucked into a black whole, after having been everything to me for 3 years. I made the huge mistake of writing a big text, telling her about all that I felt about this situation, exposing myself again. And there it was again, 3 simple lines, saying the minimum possible and with the giant capacity of making me feel the ‘‘totally wrong’’ one again. She even said ‘‘we cant be friends, although the guy doesnt mind, i dont want to put him in a bad situation, but sometime we can go drink a coffee so you can see how well im doing with him’‘, i.e. she wrote this in such a way as if she was the sweetest one again, and I was the evil creature who was atempting to do harm, but the worst, she didnt SAY it, there you have it, silent treatment, she just made me feel that way. Its so hard to imagine that i’ve gotten into such a mindf* because, like your text says, I was a really fulfilled person before I met her, I had a lot of friends and a great social life. I realize that I must have had some susceptibility in order not to recognize all this, but its reaaaally tricky, I tell you, this silent treatment plays with you on a level that you just cant influence, especially when you are a person susceptible to feel guilty fast. When I look back now I realize that she used silenttreatment from early on, like, after a discussion where she didnt say much, not saying anything for 3 days. Making me feel that i had hurt her a lot. I would spend a horrible time at home thinking she was feeling sad, while probably she was just having fun as usual. After those 3 days she would send the sweatest apology after I talked to her, making her look like and angel. Ah, this was also very common, she ould always say that she was just going to talk to me, like for example: on wendnesday i planned to go visit you but you count wait long enough again. This time I waited for a year and a half and not a single text came. After all this I felt that I have no value whatsoever, this is what i FELT, not what i knew, and again, I hate the victim thing, and I dont like to think of myself as such, im just sharing this for other people in this situation. I noticed that I had the tendency to do a lot of things under my worth, that I wouldnt have done before, i was somehow drawn to it, like it was the things i deserved/that suited me, I’m really working on this though. I’ve become a much stronger person since all of this started and its gotten a lot better. Reading all this made me realize for the first time that what happened to me has a name, and is not something i cant grab/cant see/that it is nothing/that i had nothing to complain about. Just a litte word about the worst thing she has done: Once she called me and told me she was going to kill herself and just turned of the phone. I spent the worst half an hour of my lie, drowned in agony and guilt. Thinking that she was really going to do it and that I couldnt do anything about it. I had nightmares. It was really a living hell. and she always made me feel that she liked me more than anyone in the world. she either faked very well or she has a serious problem. As you said, she had some issues in her childhood, but I dont know, a lot of people have those problems, some turn out to be the ‘‘guilty-feeling’’ ones, I guess that it also comes with the person. In order to be a silent treater you need to have the capacity of knowing how the other person feels and still not doing anything about it.I guess that my tendency is to imediatly and sometimes unecessary warning people of all sorts of things just so they dont get hurt be something, i.e. the opposite. Maybe because i am like this I assumed she would be aswell. Or maybe she didnt know what it was provoking in me and thought i didnt care that much and was a faker like her. She would make me feel guilty about friends i had, things i liked, something i had done in the past, just by saying nothing at all.
  To sum up, silent treatment is horrible, you cant call it one of the worst abuses because you cant grab it, but it tears you appart on the inside, it makes you go against your deepst friend, your own self, it makes you doubt about stuff you always were sure about. I wish you all the luck not to get in this situation, and by reading all this and other posts, I hope that being more aware of it helps.

   

• On 29th Sep 2013 at 03:50 PM Cathy said…

  This article has awakened me to understand what a friend of mine is going through. I really wish I had the knowledge of this abuse earlier so that I could help my friend instead of taking sides with the real abuser. I supported the abuser thinking that he was the victim while they split up. I spent the rest of the year feeling so bad that they got back together and that he was in this bad relationship. I alienated my friend when she needed me most. I still talk to my friend but she doesn’t have trust in me now. I’m so sad that I fell for this behavior. I can now try to continue to let her know that I’m here unconditionally and will not abandon her again. I told her that, let’s hope it will eventually help her.

   

• On 30th Sep 2013 at 03:07 AM Matt said…

  Well.  Interesting subject on this site.  I am a man married to a silent treatment expert; so I presently believe.  Like most men, we keep quiet on the subject of abuse from our spouses.

  To keep it simple, I have never understood why anyone may need quiet time beyond 30-60 minutes to take time to think about a discussion situation.  It amazes me that the abuser can (at their will) turn a pause into several days and is used as a “silent treatment”.  It is like they want to stop the discussion.  They freeze every attempt to be close, intimate, and learn more about their partner – just to control the relationship rather than be vulnerable and grow it by discussion.

  I read many of the responses before this writing.  I was described previously as: outgoing, good socializer, great networker, and so forth years ago.  Now I have become too focused on pleasing the doer of the Silent Treatments to “keep her happy.”

  I have been through this for 12 yrs. As soon as I recover from the negative financial affects this relationship has had on me, I will smoothly and gently exit.

   

• On 2nd Oct 2013 at 10:13 AM Ingrid Mason said…

  My sister and her husband have been doing this to my elderly parents for close to ten years. When my father—whom they claimed to adore—was dying, they kept the silent treatment up.
  When he died, they showed up at the funeral and clamored for attention. People were nice to them.
  And then, when everyone but immediate family was gone, they caused a hideous scene. Since that day, they have not spoken to my mother or anyone else.
  Ironically, my mother is guilty of this type of abuse herself. She phones me and my brother every day. It has been that way for decades. If one of us says anything she does not like—it can be ridiculously minor—the silent treatment starts, and she will not phone for days, or in one case, weeks. It is upsetting and abusive. And I hate it. Sometimes, she will do it if she is angry because she believes you were home and did not pick up the phone during her third or fourth call of the day.

   

• On 4th Oct 2013 at 11:00 AM broken girl said…

  I felt this whole article was written about me. I have been trying to search up abuse articles that relate to my situation and I couldn’t find any until I stumbled upon this one. This describes my whole relationship with him to a T. I suffered both mental and physical ab use and attempted suicidebecause I couldn’t take it anymore. I am still suffering the affects of leaving him today. He has played mind games and continued to do so after I left, giving me that false sense of hope. Him knowing how much I loved him, used it to his advantage, it feels like he enjoys torturing me, I’m like his puppet. He has made me look crazy to everyone and I’m pretty broken. But this article has reassured me that it wasn’t my fault, something I questioned many times. Thank you, thank you bless x

   

• On 5th Oct 2013 at 10:44 AM sandy said…

  I to am in a relationship were silent abuse is a weekly event. I have only been in the relationship for two years but he goes from sweet to omg in seconds and I thought he was cheating still think he is to realizing that does not matter. its the abuse and what its doing to me that matters but I don’t know how to get away he has in trapped me he controls me I do nothing that I enjoy any more I am having bad thoughts all the time of self harm but he dos’nt care, I think it would make him get the attention and pitty he is wanting signed help me god in heaven

   

• On 6th Oct 2013 at 03:20 AM Babygirl said…

  I wanted to find out, if it was me, or if it is him. I never know when the silent treatment is coming, or how long it last. I am fighting my tears as I write this. I am so tired.
  I came over from another country, and he said he wanted to marry. I started out as his fiance, but after an episode he introduced me as a friend, and slowly went to girlfriend.
  If I say or do something, (buying something he do not like, with my own money), silent treatment. Or if we are out, never talk to me. Or say something that make me feel like shit….(sorry).
  I am so tired. And I do not know how to do this anymore. I used to be this happy, funny person, laughing at anything and nothing. But he, and his sister, has ruined that. I do not talk much anymore. I do not laugh much. It has been years since I had that wonderful stomackaching laughter.

  I will not let him control me, and he know that. He always say he is a grown ass man, he does what he want. And he do.

  I love him, but I have found that I am also scared of him. Scared he will say something if I do not do this or that. I hate it. And at the same time, I love him.

  Oh, he gives compliments…lol…to everyone else. And laugh and show this happy face. He fit everything said here. And it scare me!

  But, how can one leave someone one love….

  I have told him he should hit me, instead of being silent. I would take that better. I mean, I have been in a relationship where he beat me, but at least he talked. This man do not talk. He also have told me he do not want to “talk to your sorry ass”. That hurt.
  So we do not talk about me or my family, my kids etc. Only about what he wanna talk about….

• On 6th Oct 2013 at 03:15 PM Hurt said…

  This sounds like me . Really I never consider his silent treatment as abuse because this just started happening to me. I left 9 days ago . Mostly because of his adult child using us. I thought we could date while at a distance . Well thats not happening .Now I am going nuts because I became the nothing to my Man. Before this I was his everything . Since then he’s ignored me and I am coming unhinged. In 9 days I have eaten very little. I went 4 days without food, ate and am not eating again. Yep I am drinking wine at night. I’ve become reclusive . Go on an endless search to help me understand what went wrong . His excuse is he needs time and does not want to talk . So I’m left dangling with am I in or am I out. It’s either one or the other . All this over his Son moving in with no clear plan, goals, etc. it makes it worse cause he’s the Dad and doesn’t want to acknowledge his their controlling ways. It’s like I have two silent abusers . Emotions run deep with father and Son and I’m the one in the hurt zone.

   

• On 10th Oct 2013 at 06:15 PM AJ said…

  I have come to realize that people that play these mind games are very weak-minded and scared deep down.  They hide behind these cruel tactics and behaviors because they don’t have true strength, integrity or honesty to face themselves in the mirror and do the real work.  They want to give the impression of being in control and power yet hide behind fists, hurtful words and silence.  Who is really the stronger one?  Most times, the victim at the beginning, until and unless they allow the madness to continue.  It takes a strong person to try and hang in there, but 9/10 times this is a waste of time.  It takes an even stronger person to walk away.  Don’t let them convince you you’re crazy or weak or _______________!  You deserve better and not this soulless, life-sucking treatment.  Once you are weaker than them, it’s all over!  I had the worst fights with my ex precisely because I knew it was wrong in how he was treating me and it was that standing up for myself and stating truths he didn’t want to hear or couldn’t deal with that would mess him up and come back nastier or shut me down.  Some of them are so used to their protective mechanisms and can’t change.  Mine would try and listen at times and would be better, but he always gravitated back.  I believe deep down they loved/love us, and maybe they loved us for the qualities we have, like a big heart and strength, which ironically those very traits they would break down.  My ex wasn’t that horrible of a person but he had way too many problems deep down that in the end he either felt too helpless to change or God knows what, but I couldn’t allow him to devastate my soul, I felt so stuck because I cared for him a lot and hated myself for continuously get sucked back in when I knew better!  But I was hoping he would change, an underlying reason that ran deep from my childhood, hoping it could be different than the hell I went thru with my dad, yes! We can change those dynamics!  NOT!  And knowing all this, still I was trying!!  Sometimes it’s not good to be too strong, ‘coz you can go on wayyyyyy too long, right?  But no mas!!  I know I deserve better and the loving and caring towards myself just one day at a time will help me weed out the undesirables from the real deal!!  Do not let their sickness contaminate your soul any further!  The longer you stay in that old mindset, the more crippled you will be and Mr./Ms. Right will not be able to recognize you!  Peace…<3

   

• On 10th Oct 2013 at 09:10 PM Healed said…

  Great sharing everyone!  The part that is so confusing to me is how inconsistent he was in silencing me out.  It happened when I was off being independent.  The funny part was the last couple months of the dreaded relationship, I would actually feel sick to my stomach if I ended up home later than I had planned.  He never yelled or said “Where were you?”  He would do this subtle silent treatment thing, very hard to detect.  I started to feel very off balance but could not put my finger on it.  We were set to renting a place together, but I thought it was strange that he did NOTHING to help with this process accept talk about the help he had to offer me, very strange behavior.  I confronted him 4 days prior to moving and actually signing the lease together.  I began to share how concerned I was that he wasn’t doing anything and my fear that he was not emotionally invested. He went off his rocker, going on and on, cutting my character to the core and it never did make sense why it went that “Fight” went thatfar. He silenced me for 2 days and when I told him this silent crap needs to stop and reminded him that he has a part in this “fight.” He actually said to me: “if a perpetrator whacks you upside the head with a bat, you beat him to the ground to protect yourself, do you actually think you stand there and apologize to the perpetrator?”  I about went out of my mind listening to this intelligent man sound so stupid. He allowed me to stand there for 1 hour asking in 20 different ways if we are moving forward or not.  He would not say yes nor would he say no.  I raised my voice telling him that no normal relationship has to “beg” her spouse for an answer to this question.  He said “SEE, SEE, thats the crap I won’t put up with.” I said SCREW this and walked out.  While at work he packed up andleft.  No word from him for about 10 days but than I get pic of him holding his new grandchild, no words just a pic.  I will never reduce myself into believing this relationship will go anywhere.  He is actually very sick emotionally from what I can see and this is a train wreck going off the tracks if I have ever seen one a coming.  Looking back on the relationship, I can see where this started.  It started when I started to “trust” what he was saying was true.  I consider myself to be intuiative but was unable to see in between what was really going on, however my gut was telling me this was not right.  If you feel that immediately, start to question something they are saying when they are “wooing” you, get out.  Seriously, when you start to like who you are and are okay with all qualities as well as character defects, you won’t attract crazy.  God Bless all of you.

   

• On 11th Oct 2013 at 08:05 AM Rita Payne said…

  At 63, I can relate to all the comments I have read on this site.  I recall parental abuse since age 5 and still experience verbal, mental, emotional and financial abuse from my husband.  I have prayed, asked, requested, discussed, pleaded on my knees, written notes, letters and requested counseling together and absolutely NOTHING works.  I do not even know who I am anymore. Don’t believe in divorce and have experienced the abuse for aprox. 17 years.  I found out he treated his ex-wife the same way for 21 years in 2001.  I just do not know what the answer is.  If I break down and cry, he crosses his arms, stands back and laughs at me because he knows I let him get to me.  Then he says, ” You have to deal with what I dish out.”  ” You cannot afford to live on your own.”  He is correct in the statement.  I can’t afford it. It is overwhelming to put it mildly. I believe there is BPD, power and control issues to start. I have and am still giving all I have the energy to give to the marriage but honestly view it as a loosing situation.  Psychologists, therapists and my current M.D. have expressed fear for my welfare.Do not, however like to view myself as a victim. I was always taught , if there is a problem, solve it. As his wife, I am NOT trained nor in the position to solve such severe problems. I dread getting up every morning knowing 24/7 he will continue to do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING he can do to make the day and my life unbearable. There is NO excuse to be irritated, aggitated, and provoked by him.  Absolutely NONE!!! It’s 24/7/365/for over 17 years. I beg him to please not upset me during the day when I get up. Begging is of NO value either. I beg   him not to make me cry during the day.  Pretty sad when you must unceasingly beg your own husband for some peace and happiness on a daily basis. What a way to start your day. There are many additional problems involved also that I have not mentioned. May God bless everyone, men or women, who fight to survive in this world with persons who have mental, emotional problems, personality disorders, brain malfunctions, etc.

   

• On 11th Oct 2013 at 11:15 AM Rose said…

  This is the first time I see a site about the silent treatment way of abuse which I and my son suffer all the time.  It rarely cesaes and only for a few days if lucky a week.  We were together for many years prior to our sons arrival and I had suffered from this abuse prior but always viewed it as my fault, if only I would improve myself he not behave this way.  Our son is six now and he treats our son the same way.  It is unbareable to explain to my little boy for years why daddy behave like this.  I am the victim of ridiculous amounts of emotional, psychological and financial abuse on a catastrophic level.  This has left me suicidal for many years and I am convinced if it were not for my son I would be dead by now.  It is my fear of his father raising my little boy that keeps me from doing it.  He has gone to all my family and made himself a prince, buying them lavish gifts, trips etc and making me look like a piece of shit.  He has gone to my ex-spouse and interviewed him recently to know more of me prior to my marriage to my present spouse.  OMG!!!!  I could go on and on.  The pain is so debilitating.  I feel like a crushed cock roach under his shoe and suffer day in and day out.  He comes to me, my son and mother (my mom of 76yrs lives with us for 11yrs) and tells us to our face he not pay mortgage anymore, will wipe out accounts, not pay sons school tuition etc) packs suitcases in front of us and say to all he not live where he not respected and loved.  OMG!!!!  then he returns like boomerang to inflict more pain.  It’s all tooo much.  Cannot take anymore.  The verbal abuse is on a GRAND scale to my face, in writing and text.  I soooooooo wish to fall asleep and wake up only to be in a better place.  But, my boy needs me so.  I have served him divorce papers a month ago only to have him constantly bombarding me with claims of intense love for me and his son, how sorry, he treat us nice forever more.  Part of me wants to believe just so I not struggle anymore and face so many unknowns.  But, the rational side of me say he not capable of such change otherwise it happen before I serve him papers.  So many horrible abuses over years I cannot list.  My self esteem is tanked.

   

• On 21st Oct 2013 at 10:22 PM David said…

  I found it odd that you have made the abuser’s gender male in your article. It is nonetheless relevant and informative. Having come to terms after many years of this treatment I reconciled the behaviour as a woman’s relative inability to be physically abusive?

   

• On 24th Oct 2013 at 02:06 AM emmi said…

  thank you so much for this article. i’m only 17 years old but i’ve been grappling with the idea of my dear (now) ex-boyfriend being abusive and every time i blamed myself because i was convinced that it was okay for him to do these things since he told me he never owed me his time or presence. i self harmed, attempted suicide three times, and became anxious and depressed because of the abuse and ignoring, and he continued to do these things even when my life was in danger. i desperately hope some day he’ll realize what he did and apologize so i can forgive him. he was such an important and wonderful part of my life and the fact that he did this breaks my heart.

   

• On 24th Oct 2013 at 01:33 PM Pamela said…

  Woman or Man!!! Abuse on any level should never be tolerated.The first sign of abuse should be the last period.Never again will I ignore the RED FLAGS!!!!! I will never sacrifice my mind for No One!!!!! I had casual sex….one time! We were nothing.Its beyond me why he would waste his time attempting to use his abusive antics on me? #condused but never again will I entertain such drama again!!!

   

• On 25th Oct 2013 at 02:16 AM G said…

  This is a description on me and my husband. I mean exactly. I feel like I could crack and I also feel as emotionally weak.  The weakest I have ever felt in my life.  So I know I have to stop him from doing this to me before I do become a statistic.  I won’t allow him to do that to me…to kill my spirit where I don’t want to live.  But I can see how women get to that state, because the abuse is so relentless and deliberate.  But will tell people they are trying to keep the family together, when they literally ignore you while you talk, laugh and engage in their routine like you are invisible and the lowest of the lowest.  My husband calls my mother to ask her to calm me down, because I do have the violent outburst.  I am asking God to take that from my heart and spirit.  Because, I also think they find joy in your kids viewing you as a monster, while they are calm and collective.  I think this type if person is the absolute most dangerous kin d if person.  They systematically attempt to attack your mind, spirit & soul.  I feel like a different person. There is no joy in life, but the kids, because I’m thankful they are healthy and happy.  & they don’t understand why I feel this way every single day.  I just can’t do this and function even halfway anymore.  I just don’t understand. I won’t ever.

   

• On 25th Oct 2013 at 08:41 PM Liz said…

  This artical is exactly and to the point of what I am living…but my abuser is not a man… it is my 33/yr old “Daughter”.  I am 54/yrs old and have been told I look like I am in my 40’s. Have always taken care of myself, my appearance and work out.  My daughter left a very abusive relationship and has been living with me for over a year.  I have gone through so much and have told her, no one in my entire life has hurt me or crushed my spirit, my heart and caused me so much tears as she has.  All she does is stand there and stare at me as if it does not faze her in the slightest.  I have never thought of this as emotional abuse until today after reading this.  I was shocked and saw it was discribing our mother/daughter relationship.  I am a giving person, helping abusive/homelesss women.  I have a deep heart for women because of all we go through.  So of course for my daughter, I gave till there is nothing left to give.  I have tried supporting her through all she is going through and never realizing she was abusing me emotinally.  I have printed this out and will go home and read this to her.  I am going to tell her either she stops or she will have to leave.  I have told her time and time again, I am not the same person I was before since all her life changed going on 3/yrs ago.  Thank you for this article.  It has opened my eyes.  God Bless everyone who is going through this.  Only through prayer and faith, if they don’t want to go to counseling, can this spirit be broken.

   

• On 29th Oct 2013 at 01:50 AM Munira Kuru said…

  I am one of the victim my history look the same with article poste I am so interested to read it I felt like it was abot the me

   

• On 29th Oct 2013 at 08:57 AM katie said…

  OMG …this is my life for the past two years i feel like ive lost myself long ago just trying to tell him how hurt i poor my heart out and he looks right through me… and because of it i want to just walk away and forget him.I live with him spend 80% of my time in my room . i have nowhere else to live so i keep digging past what used to be on it and could leave. but im weak past what i always avoided. i feel useless unwanted. i cut my hair. No attention from him ive gained weight cant sleep alot and just want to break out in tears..he ignores me to the point id rather end it at times. im lonely sad and insecure and hate him.

   

• On 29th Oct 2013 at 10:44 AM Mary Bowamn said…

  I have been with my husband for then 30 years now.He is a drinker could have done so much with he life. But let the drinking get the better of him.I can’t count in my head how many he stop drinking.I know he is not happy has never been happy he has always stop for me so he says like I said don’t even know any more. I want to make this short im not a good at spelling so if spell some wrong sorry im just trying to let it out.Any way I want it to be over with I think I always have. I know I always have.Now he has no job no one that can take him in I cant put him out there where has no roof over his head but a at ponit that I just wish God would take him because I feeling that is the only to be from. God for giving me. I just want to find out what it is like to be happy. sign Just Don’t Know What To DO.

   

• On 31st Oct 2013 at 12:57 AM Dalila Stewart said…

  Im currently going through the silent treatment/Emotional abuse. Its soo bad, to finally wake up and realize the one you deeply love, never loved you. Only want to control you, turn you into human robot..

  I pray I will have enogh strength soon to remove myself from this (Toxic) situation..Ive been crying for three day now… Feeling alone and isolated. Whenever I leave to go to work, I feel like everyone can see my hurt and pain.. Its makes me want to go back home and lay in bed underneath the covers and cry..

  This isnt love.. Its torture..And I pray I can get out of this situation soon, while hes at work….

   

• On 31st Oct 2013 at 10:04 AM Sandy said…

  I am not sure if I emotionally or mentally being abused. I am married a second time, my 2nd husband will yell at me and put me down if I was ever running late for an event. Now when he puts me down I go silent because if I try to defend myself or my 2 grown son’s he will berate me for hours. He talks about the girls they live with and plan to marry as in his works they are only in it to get there dicks polished. He always accuses me of keeping secrets from him and I do if it will cause me more grief from him but they are not really secrets I need to talk to someone. He started on with giving them each a line of credit to use and they use it and they have never missed a payment. He told them its for them to use as long as payments are made. Not 1 payment missed and now he says well they use the lines of credit you would think they would be standing on there own 2 feet by now. Mean while his son of 18 goes to university and works gets to keep his money and my husband gives him money that he does not have to pay back. I don’t know why he cares what they are doing or who they live with. Both are hard working young men. Go to work every day and bring in descent money. My husband is mean says nasty words to me. I told him if you don’t love me anymore to let me go and I will go. I am to the point when not at work I just want to sleep. When I sleep no one is mad at me. If he makes a plan no one can change that plan. He kicked my son out of the house when he asked for a plan change, then let him back in, now we had a plan and his son is changing the plan in a big way but its okay in his mind. Now I said I am not doing his plan because he is so unfair. I don’t want him to kick his son out I just want the rules to apply to his son at 18 that applied to my son at 20 years of age. He just let me have again last night so I have to be careful he either yells at me, put us down or gives me silent treatment. Am I okay?

   

• On 1st Nov 2013 at 04:30 AM sudeera said…

  I have experienced this. I am so upset.i still have this problem from my husband. I want to know why he is behaving like this? please advise me.

   

• On 1st Nov 2013 at 04:35 AM sudeera said…

  I experienced this type of silence from my husband. read all stories. very similar to his nature. please advise me what to do?

   

• On 3rd Nov 2013 at 11:36 AM nomthando said…

  my boyfriend of six years is exactly like this..we have a baby now and da abuse has somehow gotten worse. he will manipulate situations and make it appear as though i am always wrong, he refuses to take ownership of anything wrong going on in our relationship and will ignore fone calls,text messages, emails i send to him. when he does call he will ask about our kid any nothing about me.one day we will be so lovey dovey hardly able to keep our hands off each other.it takes one lousy fight and hel ignore me for a whole week.

   

• On 3rd Nov 2013 at 04:22 PM Marie Mcandrew said…

  thank you.
  My daughter – in- law did the silent treatment.  I asked if i did anything wrong to her, she said one word “NO”.  I have lived 15 years with this treatment – it drove me to counselors – who did not help- they did not know about what i just read from your message.
  I am a friendly, kind and not nosy at all, i am a loving person and i claim that all back today after reading your message.
  I am ready for a good cry today i did not deserve that treatment. Question: how do i handle a person who treats me this way.

   

• On 18th Dec 2013 at 03:08 PM mae said…

  I thought it was just me…feeling like I was losing my mind. I went from happy and outgoing, to feeling depressed and nothing like my old self. In 2011, I lost my Father, my husband left I lost my job and soon after, my husband took my son. He gave me the silent treatment throughout the marriage of 17 yrs(and still does today)I filed for a divorce He made it clear when he left the home that he was going to make my life hell. He has succeeded and at the lowest point, due to his abuse…I finally snapped and just lost it on him. Needless to say, I spent 2 weeks in jail…but to this day, I have to say it was worth every second. Now, I feel like I am past it, over it and I certainly let him know what I thought of the yrs of abuse. Nobody should live like I was living. These people are so unworthy of a caring spouse. He nearly drove me to end it all on several occasions. I hated myself, I cried all the time and I am so happy to have come to my senses when I did. Punching him in the eye was a bonus. He deserved it and I finally came out of my depression. Run away as fast as you can if someone makes you sad all the time. The name calling, silent treatment and hatefulness is just not acceptable. I must tell you, up until then I was never a violent person, but abuse changes you and is so harmful to everyone that has to see it.

• On 19th Dec 2013 at 08:45 PM Jojo said…

  Thank you for this page, I thought it was just me, the crying alone, irrational behaviour, the isolation.

  Mine is a bit unusual as I have been having a very intense long distance text relationship and only met him once. After meeting me it went downhill from there. The first time was abuse through a text which shocked me so much, as it was out of the blue. Things got progressively worse, he would call me names and wouldn’t like me going out with friends. He then cut the texting right down and ignored me for a week,then asked what was the matter with me! He promised to visit me and let me down. His texts became more nasty and I retaliated with what I think is terror texting to fight back. After this I was blocked from his phone and he has cut off all ties, this has been a month now and I miss him although my friends can’t understand why. I know deep down he will never get in touch now and this has hurt me deeply. He told me he loved every day and text’d me all day long, how could he change so quickly? Everyday is getting worse not better and my behaviour and personality are changing with it.

   

• On 21st Dec 2013 at 01:54 PM Susie Q said…

  I’m surprised that no one has msde s oomparison between this and “passive aggression”. Aren’t they pretty much the same?

   

• On 21st Dec 2013 at 02:55 PM Pamela said…

  @ Jojo its a game! Please do yourself a favor and don’t entertain his foolishness and thank God for the distance in between you two! That’s a blessing!

   

• On 29th Dec 2013 at 12:13 AM anna said…

  I have been told that i am mentally unstable i have bi polar disorder. I am a rotten mother and I am called names told that I am fat I am ugly.Nobody likes me as a person,if i go out on my own i’m sleeping with all the men in the pub.I’ve had this crap for 3yrs. It says it wants rid of me but wont leave the house. He says i don’t care wot you get up to.Says he doesn’t want to be seen in public with me. He never pays me any compliments doesn’t show me any affection.No sex for 3 years also your old and wrinkly i’m 46 he’s 65 is he insecure because i am younger.He makes me feel worthless.

   

• On 30th Dec 2013 at 06:41 PM Sara said…

  Julie – I just read your post.  You are dating a classic narcissist!!  Read anything and everything you can get your hands on (lots of good stuff on line including “The Path Forward” a book you can download and purchase on line and short Sam Vaknin video’s on narcissism on YouTube)with regards to narcissim. You have done nothing wrong – REPEAT – you’ve done nothing wrong!  You are, in fact, engaged in an abusive relationship with a narcissist and you must cut him off entirely, spare yourself and get out for your own good and sanity. Find a job (anything that will allow you to gain freedom) or move in with a friend or family member till you get back on your feet – and cut this toxic man out of your life. They are all about control and things will not improve.  It is a pattern that will not change because they are incapable of changing.  I will pray for you.  Keep your chin up…you will return to your happy, full functioning self.  I did!  You must fight for it though – you will feel so much better once you free yourself from the narcissist and begin to breath again and return to who you are.  The right man in your life will suppliment the good feels you have about yourelf – not destroy them!

   

• On 1st Jan 2014 at 05:29 PM Maureen said…

  Thank you for your article on abuse this is what i have had for 13 years from my sons since there father killed himself . They blame me when he wasnt with me i have told them they are abuser they dont care . And continue to abuse me and women in there life.

   

• On 2nd Jan 2014 at 09:21 PM Lu said…

  I have experience of the silent treatment.my other half has ignored my needs for the past 4 years we have been married. Our sex life has.been twice a year if that. He doesn’t want sex and says I am unapproachable. He makes friends with other women and I have found him out. He says it’s because he is lonely. I have told him how I have felt lonely in this marriage but he doesn’t seem to care. He shuts off when I am around tuning into TV and computer. He doesn’t work. I work and pay the bills.. When I go out which is very seldom, I come home to him turning his back on me ,turning his music up loud and ignoring me. If I tell him how I feel he immediately tells me about how he feels. I feel ignored in my role as a wife,no intimacy, no appreciation or respect for the support I give financially. He has alienated my family with his rudeness and if things get heated on occasion I have retaliated and have been verbally assaulted and also hit. I tried to leave but he cries ,begs and threatens suicide. I feel trapped by guilt and responsibility. I feel scared that if I leave not only will I have to live with what he may do but worry that I can I survive alone. My head says I can but then I’m wracked with self doubt! My head is a mess and every day is awful. I feel my life is disappearing before me. I don’t know what to do!

   

• On 4th Jan 2014 at 06:50 PM Barbara said…

  My daughter has been giving me the silent treatment for over 4mths now. She stopped talking to me because she left my grandchildren with me one day and called to say she was on her way to pick them up, a journey which should take 30mins! I tried calling and texting her and was worried she had had an accident. 3hrs later her controlling husband appeared to pick them up, because I was angry, he bundled the kids up and I haven’t seen them since. I have tried repeatedly to talk to her by phone, text and meeting her at work, but I am being ignored. I am not sure if it is coming from her or if her husband has told her not to speak to me. This treatment is breaking my heart, I have apologised for anything I have did wrong but I get no response.

   

• On 4th Jan 2014 at 11:15 PM eva said…

  My parents practice the silent treatment on me on a regular basis.  This first started about 15 years ago, when I came out of a unhappy, controlling marriage and found myself.  It`s strange they were my best friends when I was weak and down on my luck.  Now that I very happily married to a lovely man with two children they don`t want to know.  The problem starts when I confront them with their bad behaviour, and believe me there`s plenty of that. As soon as I speak up and say “no don`t do that to me” then bang no phone calls, no nothing until I go grovelling back and agree with their bad treatment of me.  I have spent years being told that I am evil, a vile bitch, thick as shit, stupid, you don`t know, anything by my father.  My mother just sais “shame on you” and we “don`t wash our diry laundry in public”.  They deny everything bad they do and lie constantly to cover their tracks.  My brother is the golden child because he agreees with them and I`m the scapegoat because I say “no”.  I console myself with the fact that I`ve found out recently that other members have been subjected to years of silence treatment by them, so it`s not just me.  I have come out the other side a stronger, better, so much happier person and they have lost the one good thing in their life, me and my children.  I will never go there again until I get some kind of explanation for the years of silent abuse…….no-one should ever let anyone treat them this way.  For the record it`s called Narcissistic Personality Disorder and the research on this subject probably saved my life.

   

• On 5th Jan 2014 at 10:53 PM Tom said…

  I am a husband who has been married for 20 years.  I deeply love my wife and love being a family man.

  The silent treatment is one of a number of techniques my wife practices on me.

  First some background.

  About a decade ago after our 4th and final child was born, my wife decided that there was no future in our marriage.  Whilst being devastated, I acknowledged that cracks had been growing in our relationship for quite some time.  These included the following:
  * me being blamed for things that couldn’t be pinpointed, e.g. ‘resentfulness’. When I asked how I was being resentful the response was ‘You wouldn’t understand.  There’s no point talking about it’.
  * my wife feeling victimized at the smallest things, beyond reasoning/rationality
  * my wife not apologizing ever for any mistakes she had made
  * my wife continually making me feel like I had done something wrong.  Sometimes I would be blamed for stuff I categorically know I didn’t do.
  * my wife withdrawing love, compassion, warmth and intimacy (there’s been no intimacy for last 10 years)

  For the last approx 5 years I raised the children like a single dad whilst my wife unswervingly pursued her career (whilst holding down a full time job of my own).  Whenever my wife was home she’d be glued to her mobile handset while mainly ignoring the rest of us.  She’d be gushing to friends and colleagues while being cold hearted to me.

  When we went for marriage counseling my wife wouldn’t fully open up to the counselor but hoodwinked her into thinking I was to blame for our problems.  The counselor concluded there was no future in our relationship.

  Cut to present day:

  My wife launched divorce proceedings 8 months ago, announcing that she’s not the marrying type (after 20 years of marriage and 4 children).

  Unfortunately we now have a lot of sorting out to do over children and assets.  Since I have not agreed to go along with everything her way she instigated the silent treatment 8 months ago and convinced our eldest child to participate in this emotionally battering activity.

  It’s put me through a range of feelings similar to what’s written in this article.  I am excluded from family mealtimes.  I am excluded from our double bedroom.  While I was out one day my wife disposed of our double bed and put a single bed for herself in it.  She locks our bedroom up so I have no alternative but to sleep in lounge.  She’s trying to make me feel degraded and unworthy of respect.  i.e. to make life so intolerable in the family home that I’ll be glad to leave.

  The ongoing lack of respect and hatred towards me led to my oldest son physically assaulting me at home.  When I knocked on his bedroom door he burst out and gave me a black eye telling me to “just get out of Mum’s house”.

  The police took the physical assault very seriously.  My son could now end up with a criminal record.  I wish I could discuss the consequences with him but he refuses to communicate (at least at time of writing – I really hope that will change soon!)

  For me the physical abuse is nothing compared to the emotional torture.  The police are not interested in the emotional stuff because there’s no physical evidence.  Similarly family law does not cater for it.  Family law basically protects mothers and casts out fathers.  I know it’s a generalization but it feels that way in my case.

  I am concerned that if/when my wife gets custody of the children, they will be passively taught emotional abuse.  Even worse they might suffer cruelly in it.

  I sincerely believe that it would be in the children’s best interests to live primarily with a father who will teach them healthy values about inclusion, communication, dignity and respect.  My children are so mixed up in the home situation that they can’t clearly see what’s going on.  They can’t be blamed for that.  Can I blame my oldest child for behaving like he did towards me?  Is he not a victim of his Mum’s manipulation?

  Of course this post is one sided on my part.  I wish my wife could put her side too – sticking to the facts of course.  Trouble is I don’t think she would stick to the facts.  She’s very intelligent and given half the chance she’d convince you that I’m a deluded psychopath.

  Thanks for your time anyway for reading all this!

   

• On 8th Jan 2014 at 05:38 AM Marie said…

  I was married 18 years to a man who treated me this way.  The last 5 years of our marriage I had to medically care for him due to the results of the first of many falls & then his developing Myasthenia Gravis.  I didn’t think his abuse could get any worse, but those last 5 years became torture.  With two children, 8 & 2, my world evolved around him to the point that I do not even remember my children existing during those years.  He was frequently inappropriate & mentally abusive to my daughter(our eldest child), and when he turned on our son too, I knew something had to change.  We did split up, and things did get even worse.  I thought my life was bad before, but it did become a living nightmare. The legal system made a mockery of things & granted a divorce in 3 months, he died 1 month later.  Thanks to adult stepchildren, (& the courts) our children & I lost our home, our business (my job there as well),and most of our belongings.  It has been 1 1/2 years since he died, and we still struggle to overcome the depression & our emotional scars.  We have all been to counselors, but our past is not addressed by them & we are told to move on, start over, be happy.  I am desperately looking for a way to work through some of this stuff on my own since I am not receiving the help I need.  I have been trying to develop friendships, but 2 close ones last year turned on me & my trust & faith in people is even lower.  Please, if there is anyone out there that has suggestions for me, contact me!  I do want to live again.  Free of the mental chains that surround me.  Thank you for taking the time to hear me.

   

• On 10th Jan 2014 at 12:02 AM Jojo said…

  To Pamela

  Thank you it has been a few weeks now and I can not believe the change in me. I am writing this to encourage everyone else on this page. I now realise what this man was he was a control freak, a nasty piece of work who never loved me and I do believe he does this on a regular basis. My friends knew he was bad but I would not listen. At the time I thought it was fate and it was but the wrong kind. He got me when I was at my most vunerable (lucky him!)I have got over ‘him’as the person I thought I loved but I still struggle to get over how I was so easily taken in and how much power he had over me. The fact he was a predator and so cruel and manipulative makes my blood run cold but I know I am a good person and deserve better. Please get shut of these men and women its hard but you can do it. You will plunge to the lowest depths at first not functioning properly and may go a little bit mad but honestly it does get easier. You will never forget what they did but you can live without them, you all deserve to be happy and I hope you stay strong xx

   

• On 17th Jan 2014 at 07:45 PM SG said…

  I am going through the same, have become mentally exhausted, the more he ignores the more I cry. The more I try the more is the blame. I ask for help I am pathetic.he tells—It’s always my fault. I fabricate stories, nobody believes me, I have issues and he is the good one. I have had suicidal thoughts, want to hide where nobody finds me, that’s how miserable he has made me. Not only physically but mentally this relationship has made me a unhappy person who is always thinking and has forgotten how to laugh.

   

• On 19th Jan 2014 at 05:15 AM Peter said…

  Actually the least talked of form of abuse, may actually be the withholding of sex from a partner as a form of punishment or reward system of compliance.

  As a child that suffered both emotional and physical abuse along with what I term psychological kungfu from a father that had been a police officer, then a school teacher and finally a psychologist I can tell you that the only safe place was in silence.

  I’m not abusive by being silent I’m protecting myself from psychological bullying on a level that is almost pure survival, because in the past saying the wrong thing resulted in extreme physical violence from my father whom is a respected psychologist.

  When you write you consistently use the terminology of (he) for the abuser and (she) for the abused without any regard for the FACT that many men suffer from all manner of forms of abuse from early childhood including the silent treatment from women whom as I recall as a teenager used this form of abuse on a regular basis to demonstrate their position in the social ranks.

  In conclusion I’m not saying that silent treatment can’t be an abusive process, however your claim that it is always abusive is simplistic at best and deluded at the other end of the scale.

  Just remember you can’t trust roughly 60% of the population because they will kill you because someone wearing a white coat tells them they are participating in an important scientific experiment and they must continue and that is a fact you can not deny unless you replicate those experiments and have a different outcome.
  (PS. those study’s were done in the 50’s and from what I can tell the numbers may even be higher today)

  Good luck with attempting to improve humanity when deep down you should know we the collective of humanity are the greatest disaster to hit this earth.

   

• On 19th Jan 2014 at 07:02 PM Adri said…

  Hello, after 2 yrs the man I loved gave me the silent treatment before pulling the dissappearing act act and cutting me completely from his life. It’s been one month and I am heartbroken. I lived with him for 1 year and after I bought my home he had agreed to move with me. As time passed he talked about wanting to make changes and be a better person. However, he started to show more interest in his friends. It was like he had forgotten everything we shared and that we lived togerher? I didn’t understand why he would hurt me by leaving me in such a cold manner. I gave him some space after 2 weeks I asked him why he left without notice. He stood silent and never responded. After 1 week he decided to respond and stated that the situation is painful for him too and said he loved me but he was not able to give me what I want. He said that now it’s just a matter of waiting for God to give us another person and wished that all my dreams come true. I can’t help feel so played and rejected. He said that I was the only one he ever loved and that I was the one. It pains me to know how someone I cared and poured my heart to would play with my emotions and not show any remorse and or regret. He made me believe we had something little did I know he was planning after 2 years to pull the vanishing act on me and tell me the joke is on me. I have maintained 0 contact with him and never once looked for him. In all honesty all I care to do is dissappear myself. I try so hard to hide away because I don’t want to see his face. I just want this nightmare I am living to be over. I want to forget him and all the moments I thought meant something, all the time spent living together, and everything I endured. I find the strength every day to get up and dust my wounded body from the ground, but there are moments like this where the wound still festers. I try not to feel like such a victim by thinking negative thoughts or thinking that how he played me or how he must be portraying me with his friends and family or even how he must be having the time of his life with his new person doing everything that he did with me to her. I just ask God to help me get through this terrible time and to help me forget someone who turned out to be a cruel individual. Perhaps times will heal my wound.

   

• On 19th Jan 2014 at 10:45 PM Carolynn said…

  Not only did my husband use silent treatment as one of his many narcissistic weapons in our marriage- when the marriage did end (not surprisingly)- he is using silent treatment against me- and EVEN WORSE- he has used it against my 19 yr old daughter who he adopted.  We were married for 10 yrs, so she was really little when he came into her life.  AND her biological father died when she was in 6th grade and we found out that her bio-dad had sexually abused her.  THUS- this silent treatment post-divorce- is bad enough inflicted on me- but TRIPLE ABUSE when inflicted on a child, now young adult.  I am praying it has no detrimental effects in her future relationships.  Now his daughter (who I also adopted) is getting married and we have to navigate all that with the captain of silent abuse!

   

• On 20th Jan 2014 at 01:50 PM Katie said…

  Thank you for the opportunity to read such interesting information. It has helped me move on with my life and learn what exactly he has been doing to me. I gained strength from all I read and I hope it will help many others move on

   

• On 22nd Jan 2014 at 11:31 AM Jeffery Potter said…

  Its a long post but very much informative for
  The mind game, I like your post. Thanks

   

• On 22nd Jan 2014 at 11:03 PM BC said…

  Not Funny that your article is slanted to male abusers. I’m a male and my wife is us ring this on me I’m trying to figure out how to fight it. But feel quite awkward reading this due to you male abusive slant.

   

• On 25th Jan 2014 at 01:35 PM Daisy said…

  Reading that article just made me cry…  I feel as though it was written for me 🙁

• On 25th Jan 2014 at 05:40 PM Michael said…

  in this article it says “he” a lot but after dating a lady for a few month recently I got the same abuse after she broke up with me via text.  A barrage of constant abuse to provoke a reaction most of which was an attack on my self esteem in a bid to drive me under.  She constantly told me I have mental problems, that im just like my like my father (a negative) that my existance makes her angry…etc it just went on and on for a couple of weeks.

  Mind you, she is a “Social Worker?!”

  If the abuse was to continue I would have had to take it further and file a report, it was clear she wanted nothing more than to make sure I never date again so as I would be mieserable my whole life.

   

• On 26th Jan 2014 at 04:51 AM anonymous said…

  My 4 children and I were emotionally abused for years.  It began to turn physical, and after a few events, I filed for divorce.  There was no contact for 4 years, then he asked court for therapeutic supervised visitations.  My kids do not want to see him, but I am forced to take them, and now the therapeutic supervisor told my kids that she doesn’t believe they were abused because verbal doesn’t count, and she has seen kids who were beaten much worse.  Against court order, the therapist left my children with him unsupervised, and regularly the visits last longer than they are supposed to, even though the kids tell her they want to leave, she will not let them.  I feel that if I speak out, it will be viewed as me not being cooperative.  My kids are angry that their emotions are dismissed so easily by the therapist.  What can I do?

   

• On 31st Jan 2014 at 01:56 AM Ashley said…

  Thank you for this article. I finally escaped my partner. This article fits him to a tee. I never really could put my finger on what he was doing but I was finally able to walk away after gaining the strength to respect myself. He did all of these things and more including the infidelity. He always blamed me for his silence and would use it to escape with other women. He sent me into a spiral and I could not understand how someone had that much control over me. Now I get it and I am so glad I am out of the situation. I am so much stronger now and so happy to be away from that situation. Thank you for this article and allowing me to realize that I am not alone and there are such monsters out there.

   

• On 31st Jan 2014 at 08:03 PM barbara ryan said…

  June 19 we got married one year later were divorced he drinks i dont i smoke he dont i cook clean work my job carry in the wood start the fire.and he sets in the couch or gose to his garage until i fix supper unless i just attack we have no sex he stays on the couch and sleeps the only time he gets up us when his son and daughter in law comes too get drunk and stays 5 to 8 hours at a time they only live 6 to 7 blo ks away. We cant go on any bike rides or do anything witout them. He gose and plans his life around them and by the way shes a whore at xmas she really showed her self my boys and there friend went outside to     get away from her and   she went after them i asked david why did he always defend her and why he always has to pick them over me but its me im crazy.but he will lie to me and go spend hours with her while his son works on things.he fixed her a big dinner for her b day snd didnt even tell me happy bday i asked him if they were fucking around or what and he through me out.so what would u think.if the only time he can move off that couch is when they are here.and he always gets shitty drunk and wants to fight with me after b n with them.so whats ur opion

   

• On 31st Jan 2014 at 10:33 PM t billingsley said…

  Dear Friends….
  To let you know that I have gone through the same thing (emotional abuse silent treatment) with my bf for 8 yrs.  I decided to leave him on Dec 4, 2013.  I was so emotional, miserable and hurt.  When I first dated him few weeks later my bf said, You don’t know the other side of me.  I asked him, what do you mean by that?  He said, you don’t want to know!  That got me very concerned and I tried to figure this out all these years.  Now I know the other side of him and I can see why his 1st wife is mental and his 2nd wife threw him out.  I’m the 3rd person and I left him before it has gotten worse.  I couldn’t understand why he was so angry at me and he stayed distance from me for days, weeks and months.  He showed no feeling, no attention, don’t care, no pity, won’t talk to me, no I love you, no good night kiss, no hugs, no gift, act big baby and no apologize to me.  When he’s done with his anger then he will start talking to me again like nothing happens.  I was so confused and hurt.  I will never understand what is wrong with him.  He have been telling few of his friends and family that I needed help. They even think that he’s so sweet and friendly on the outside and I’m the only one that knew the inside of him.  He will NOT admit it and is in denial. He’s blaming all of his problems on me.  He would yelled and slammed the doors at me.  I still couldn’t figured out and he needs help with his anger/madness.  I started to get confuse, hurt, crying and depress.  He made me feel real bad, put me down and uncomfortable.  I was very frightened of him.  He would looked very mad and I asked what is wrong?  He turned his head and walked off!  No respect and will not tell me.  I’m like, how are we ever going to solve our problems in our relationship?  I have asked him to stop yelling and slamming the doors.  He just looked at me and walked away.  I’m like (??).  Before Dec 4th of 2013, he screamed at me and slammed the door in front of his daughter and her boyfriend.  I said to myself that I’m done! And I left.

   

• On 1st Feb 2014 at 03:01 AM rose marie garhartt said…

  what can be done when you seek help and the therapist fails to see the problem. What legal remedies do I have. Where do I turn to since I have no money and he watches everything I do.

   

• On 6th Feb 2014 at 07:50 PM Lubna said…

  Graham. I have no words. Your story truly touched me. You sound like a very well rounded healthy minded person with his head on his shoulders

   

• On 10th Feb 2014 at 12:02 AM Lynn said…

  When I was in this situation, I gave it back.  I literally found the inner well of strength to “pull myself up by my bootstraps” and continue my life.  Then, I ignored him back while I lived my life.  Was the most difficult thing I ever did, but it felt good when he finally was begging for my support in many pathetic ways.  The key is control over emotions and letting your mind guide you by clarifying the feelings with reason.  Focus on yourself and your self esteem.  Refuse to be stepped on, stay strong. The inner strength of your true self is there within you. You must make contact with it in this kind of crisis. The emotional turmoil leads you to yourself and prods you to soul search for your true worth and value and strength.  Go that direction and don’t look back.  You are worth more than that, know this and move forward.  Love yourself first. You don’t need anyone to love you first, know this. It is difficult but possible.

   

• On 11th Feb 2014 at 04:09 PM shenel said…

  I am going through the same thing, it’s been two weeks now. Ive hardly ate anything. Struggling to go to work. Staying in bed most of the two weeks.  I cant function!!!

   

• On 12th Feb 2014 at 05:39 PM April said…

  Im a victim of silent treatment as well. My boyfriend of 9 years use this all the time. he never tells me whats wrong, everything just stops, no text, call, skype, nothing. We go from being in love with each other, cant get enough of one another to no contact, I admit i tortures me. I cant go throughout my day withouth wondering what he’s angry for, or why he’s doing this to me. I am now on my 7th day of silent treatment. At first, I was begging him to say something and that I didnt deserve his treatment. All he could say was that he knows and that he’s sorry. And thats all ive heard from him. it breaks my heart that he treats me this way. i admit he can be charming, and then it all turns into a nightmare. When he’s jealous, he drinks everyday all day, by that I mean he refills his cup with alcohol all day. When he’s angry he takes my phone without permission, if i dont let him see it he slaps me around. Ive covered bruises, bite marks, etc from my family. I know this isnt good, but for some reason i feel like im locked in this relationship..as if im stuck. Im the quiet kinda girl, and i dont like to do anything thatll piss him off. I buy him gifts, we go out, plan trips , etc. And then out of no where, he stops communication with me. its only me he does this to, not to his family and friends. Sometimes i wonder do they know, or are they assuming him and I are in a fight or that im just being a “loner”….Then after a couple weeks he comes back like nothing ever happened. Sometimes i have suicidal thoughts, or feel like maybe im not good enough, or that somethings wrong with me. Why does he show love and affection but then act this way. I just wish he would change for me…i know he sees im hurting…if he really cares.

   

• On 13th Feb 2014 at 11:17 AM Ray said…

  I have suffered at the hands of my wife for 12 years,we have two children and she enjoys the power over me this gives her.Her plan now is to so completely destroy me that I literally have nothing..she is deeply mentally abusive and make it appear that I am the crazy, unstable one ,her family hate me.She has forced me out then brings me back with charm ,sex and of course the kids.My life is totally ruined I have no confidence and am financially wrecked.She will not communicate with me on any level apart from the basics about food and (Rage if I object) etc.She has controlled the finances for years and only used my wage to collateralize debt..now we are ruined and in debt management but now she blames me because she cant spend any more money on shit we don’t need I spent years doting on the woman only to be used and abused,I have nothing and that’s the way she likes it..I need to escape but cant because of hyper-inflated property and rents,while i was working away for us she was covering all bases to make sure she stays ahead she has all the power now and wants me dead as i am useless to her now .

   

• On 14th Feb 2014 at 03:54 AM SARAH said…

  Hi I just want to tell you my experience as I am now suffering the silent treatment alone. My long term partner suffers mental health issues- anxiety depression and mood disorder and is on antidepressants x 2. We have a very deep connection and are very passionate. He has always held me in high regard when discussing me with people and his GP. Over the course of our relationship he has become increasingly aggressive, verbally abusive and now 2 outbursts of physical violence toward me. His behaviour is unpredictable and his bullying is over small issues which any normal person would not even get upset over. He cannot let go of small issues and he is aware if this, It has caused immense pressure as you never know what to expect and I’m always paying the price or being blamed for something that has I am not guilty of. He is also aware that he has not been professionally managed or monitored properly and that is his own doing despite my insistence.I have children to my previous marriage, between 16 and 21 years. He has teenagers also from his previous marriage and they are all the same ages. Five children in total.Seven weeks ago my partner became verbally aggressive toward me over a small issue, and I told him diplomatically that I could not talk to him at that time and I walked away as instructed by our psychologist. I find his aggression unbearable. He hates it when I do this as he accuses me of shutting him down and controlling the situation, as he likes to be the one in control and he requires me to stand there and take it. He remained silent for the next 24 hours after this event and sulked. He slept on the couch and his mood became very elevated to the point of extreme anger. He spoke rudely to me when I gave him his lunch and dinner the next day to which he refused. I said nothing and the kids and I kept out of his way. He drank 4 stubbies of beer that day as well. By early evening he went to bed and became verbally aggressive to me again so I left the bedroom to be with the kids in another room. His girls, were there as well who are also teenagers and told me he was aggressive to their mum and use to push her around. I made the mistake of telling them that yes he had hit me beforehand and my 18year old son, who overheard, texted him to not strike me again. The text response from my partner to my son, was a highly offensive invitation to enter his bedroom. My son entered the room stood near the doorway and repeated to not touch his mother again and my partner pushed my son against the wall and eventually my son put him into a headlock to restrain him which we witnessed. My other son broke it up.Police were called and managed the situation. Despite this happening we are all concerned for my partner and are forgiving him as we know he has a disorder that needs professional intervention. My partner knows he needs this help as well but I wont let him back until he gets this help. He has rung a few times and he just ends up yelling abuse at me as he is still angry. Occasionally I got a nice text message but as of 3 weeks ago he has gone cold and is ignoring me. Only texts when he wants something to be left out for him on the verandah as he is living elsewhere now. His dysfunctional family who suffer severE depression and alcoholism are his only support network and do nothing but interfere. He knows I am the only stable person in his life. He did tell me weeks and weeks ago he was going to sought help but Ive heard that story before and I don’t know if he has bothered. I am beside myself as he ignores my texts and my phone calls and I cant contact him FOR 3 WEEKS NOW. I love him still and believe it or not my children still do as well and ask after him. I am beside myself and I don’t Know what to do now. To make it worse its Valentines day and he always gives me a gift on this day BUT NOTHING TODAY OF COURSE.I am sobbing today, can’t work and feeling very sad and isolated, AND IM IN BED. Im am barely functioning. Please help me.
  THANK YOU. SARAH

   

• On 16th Feb 2014 at 09:36 PM marion latifa said…

  well’am doing the same to my husband coz he does the same to me.somemes,i dont even see he exists,i spent alot of tym with our son and dauhter.am happy,at pece and so confident ever since

   

• On 17th Feb 2014 at 01:15 AM TIM said…

  why do you write this as “he” as the abuser and “she” as the victim?

  “she” is often the abuser of “he”

  wth?

   

• On 17th Feb 2014 at 02:48 AM Tom said…

  Your article is written as if only men are the ones doing the abusing. What is harmful about your writing is it hurts. I am currently in a loveless relationship with an abusive woman. We have go to doctors and not one has done anything to help the situation. Even when I reported her to the police for giving me a concussion nothing happened to her. She simply said I provoked it. A man could never get away with saying she provoked it. There I stood bruised and she was told she could leave with our son. The only good that came from my call to the police is her attorney told her to back off and not get physical with me. Now she tell me how she wants me dead. How she can’t hurt me directly but she will find someone who will. Today alone she said she like to drop me in the ocean and she would not even miss me.

  She drained our bank account, I lost my job, she alienated all our friends and I cannot find anyone to help me. I often wonder how many “dead beat” dad’s left there families because they had no other choice.

  I found this site because I was trying to find a way to stop the mind games she is plain on our 4 year old. She rewards him every time he is abusive to me and hit me or yells at me.

  I feel for anyone in my situation and if I wrote and article like this I would not refer to the abused alway in the feminine and the abuser in the masculine. You right in what you said. Just wrong in your approach.

   

• On 17th Feb 2014 at 05:24 AM Gender said…

  A society has been prepared social norms and values which provides particular characteristics and behavior for sexes. Gender is nurtured in which culture affected in development from beginning of pregnancy and society tells us through the role, activities, specific responsibilities and considered as belonging to differentiate them.

   

• On 18th Feb 2014 at 02:03 AM G said…

  I have been seperated from my wife for almost 3 months.  We had our problems like any marriage.  I came home from work an hour early to find 4 people moving her out.  To say the least I was in shock. I had several things running through my mind as to what the reason for this sudden move.  She drained my bank account leaving a negative balance just one week before rent was due which caused me to move out breaking the lease and owing $2000.00. I was angry devistated and quickly became depressed. I tried contacting her to get the strait truth. She responded with what seemed to be her reaching with
  Excuses pointing every finger at me.  I quickly filed for divorce.  After a month I emailed her thinking we could reconcile.  She did not respond for a few weeks but only through my friend by texting. I couldn’t shake the despair. . It was the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last thing on my mind before I fell asleep.  I tried several times to talk text her. Some were angry some were loving and some where pleads for her to respond… she stayed ice cold. This is not like me at all.  I don’t plead for anyone to call or contact me. Infact most of the time if someone doesnt want to contact me I just shake it off.  All I needed was her to help me understand.  She told my friend she wanted me back.  Confussion sets in and I have problems putting this whole thing to bed.I finally found this artical on silent abuse. I coppied and posted in an email. I sent the email with ” it is over!” I proceeded to block her number from my cell phone for calls and texts both for her and so that I couldn’t contact her as well. Its still torture daily because I love her very much but atleast I know that what she’s doing is strait up abuse and I now will not stand for it. Christ has been a big portion of my new Strength. God bless everyone going through the silent torture.

   

• On 18th Feb 2014 at 11:23 PM sarah said…

  Iv suffered years and years of silent abuse firstly ; from my dad who was a heavy drinker I wanted escape so at 14 I met my second abuser I also had my daught at 14 followed by 4 more children he has physically and mentaly abused me over,the years I find my self apologising in advance im living on nervers ,iv tried to end my life twice I feel like a emotional wreck inside ,he criticises every thing I do from cooking a meal to walking the dog he tells my 10yr old son am a haw n uses the words shagging about how do I find strenth to leave were do I go before its too late

   

• On 19th Feb 2014 at 03:55 AM Deni Maree said…

  Thankyou. I needed to read this. I thought and felt I was going crazy . X

   

• On 21st Feb 2014 at 07:08 AM Karen said…

  I have been the victim of such abuse now for several years and I think that the most hurtful thing about it is that all of my friends think that my husband is wonderful.  The impossibility of any of my friends believing me keeps me silent and I now feel as if I am permanently stuck inside a coffin or similar. That is how I feel every night I go to bed alone and every morning I wake up alone.

  But there is one subject not touched on in article which is the very hardest to deal with.  I have 2 teenage daughters and he causes me all this hurt without them seeing what is going on, then in front of them depicts himself as if I am being unreasonable to him or in the wrong so then what happens is that the girls turn on me telling me I am being nasty to their dad.  I really do not know how to cope with this any more.  Maybe you could add something to help those of us with this going on?  Our children are the one thing that makes life still worth living and if their love and respect is being diminished then life is very difficult to cope with and family time is dreaded instead of relished.  He talks to the children as if I am not in the room and takes over any conversations and answers any questions as if every comment or question is for him and him alone.  Any suggestions please? I am now very scared of suddenly having had enough and not know what I am doing – taking my own life is not an option for me.

• On 24th Feb 2014 at 01:29 AM Sue said…

  Some amazing comments on this site.  My mother has treated me in the same way over the years and now my younger sister is doing the same thing.  It used to paralyse me with confusion and I never quite knew what I had done wrong.  The answer was I had done nothing wrong but she just wanted her own way.  I know this is probably a very simplistic way of putting it but she wanted to control and manipulate my life until I started saying NO to her.  Don’t laugh but I was in my 50’s when this happened!  I am sure there were other issues involved such as the relationship between mothers and daughters and I am trying to understand these as well.  To others who are going through this or have gone through this you have my deepest sympathy but sometimes you just have to walk away.  Just remember that this is not your fault.  Good luck everybody.

   

• On 25th Feb 2014 at 04:53 PM marian said…

  My brother got some abusive text messages on his phone the language in was terrible. He don’t send texts himself.He didn’t know who sent those messages. He took his phone down to the phone shop and the girl could not make out one of the messages. Their was no name or number of who sent those messages. The same thing happened to a neighbor of mine to day.

   

• On 25th Feb 2014 at 06:21 PM melodie aszman said…

  I have been the victim of physical abuse at the hand of a man I married 30 yrs ago at the age of 18. He was 34. He was charming intil he started becoming quiet moody withdrawn depressed. The first time I was beaten I was 4 months pregnant after 2 more beatings and beating me down emotional I found the strength to leave 1 yr after the marraige. He was always sorry after he abused I was blamed I stayed went to a psychiatris with him who told me if I stay he will kill me the dr said his problem goes too far back to correct. I always tried to get that charming man back when I realized he never existed I left

  At the age of 53 I met my next abuser only this one was an emotional one. I felt something was off with him by the 1st date yet his love bombing won me over and I was so in need of love and companionship. I have a disabled son and life is difficult due to his mental illness. I ignored all the signs and made excuses for his behavior blaming myself as he did. I went through the torture of his triangles his silent treatment when I defied him and even if I didn’t. When things were good he would retreat.
  I questioned my sanity went on medication became irratic his family thought I was u.stabe as he remained composed. I tried to kill myself and he didn’t show remorse. Your whole article I live on and off for 4 yrs I became obsessed. I have finnaly broken free and it is liberating. Great article

   

• On 25th Feb 2014 at 11:03 PM Nikki said…

  Everything I have just read on this page is so true to the abuse I am suffering, nobody can quite understand the pain and torture I am going through, it’s getting so bad when he leaves and ignores me for a week I’m starting to feel suicidal, I literally can’y function without him in my life….I know I can somewhere but I just feel I physically can’t, I can’t take the mental pain I am suffering and it’s been so comforting to read this. I know I will stay in this relationship until I am physically able and ready to leave, my family are starting to worry, thank you for writing this article, it makes realise I’m not mad or insane or going crazy, and that other’s have suffered this kind of abuse

   

• On 25th Feb 2014 at 11:23 PM Cassandra said…

  My best friend is going through this same situation. In fact, she sent me this article so that I can have a better idea as to what her life is like with her husband.  I am so upset for her.  I have no idea what to do.  She has three children, and does not work.  She also can’t work as over the years her health has deteriorated so much.  I have four children of my own and am not in a position to take her in.  I want to help her so badly. She lives in a different state than I do. She is in Illinois.  I know that she feels that she has no where to go and no one can help her. She feels such guilt about not “being present” with her children and distraught about their lives and the effect it has on them. It seems to be a vicious cycle that she can’t seem to break free of. PLEASE, if anyone has any words of advice or anything I would appreciate it, and I’m sure she would too. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

   

• On 27th Feb 2014 at 07:42 PM Jana said…

  what if the mental abuse is not done by a male or female romantic/married relationship?  But, rather by a relative that is female and related by blood, or in-laws?  And, what can I do to stop it?  I do just want to run away, and hide from the world..  Or, just go some place and cut-off contact with relatives.  It’s so puzzeling to me I just know what to think anymore.  I’m retire, single, and live totally alone.  I have no car and use taxi’s to get most places.  Relatives will offer help, but it always cost me more than if I pay a taxi, most of the time.  Because I pay them for gas and other things like Lunch, or dinner, or groceries. I don’t mind giving because I have always been that way, even when I know I am being taken advantage of.  Here lately it’s getting so insane with some things that are happening to me.  I know what I see and experience, but still no one pays me any attention, just think I am cracking up.  That’s the part that hurts most.  There is no one who wants to talk to me.  I feel so alone and betrayed.  What can I do to protect myself, and maintain my sanity.

   

• On 28th Feb 2014 at 03:16 AM ananoumys please said…

  This sounds exactly like what my husband is doing to me right now. And it has led me to self-harm and suicidal thoughts. I am so scared he will become physically abusive too eventually. I guess you could say this kind of thing feels “normal” to me because my father also has used mental,physical,and verbal abuse on us kids ever since i can remember. Anyway my husband will tell me to ” leave him alone,” but as soon as he needs anything i better be available! He only has become like this within the last 6 months to a year. Before he has been the most amazing guy.  It’s killing me inside and he doesn’t care @ all. I love him so much but am getting tired of feeling like a nobody. I haven’t got the grit to ” fight back” either. Because i know if i do he will play the victim. I have been nothing but kind to him and he will fly into a rage and start calling me crazy over nothing! No matter what i do it seems to anger him. Why do men get these drastic changes in behavior? Do men pms? What can i do to let him know i love him but the abuse needs to stop?

   

• On 2nd Mar 2014 at 01:56 PM Jennifer said…

  My boyfriend of 3 years left on valentines day this year (2014) & said he was going to pick something up from a friend near where his parents kvived & he would be back early evening, it’s march 3rd now I have not see, spoke, or received a text from him he has changed his number & I have since noticed that he took some important belongings with him when he left like it was planned, I have been doing all the things you mentioned crazy text, abusive texts to try & get some sort of response how can you say you love me to death & would do anything for me & just disappear & not talk to me, I spent the first 3 days crying calling hospitals police checking traffic accidents, till finally his horrible mother answered hr phone & said he was home but away from the house busy she will get him to call me, HE HASNT! Anyway by day 8 Saturday a week & 1 day later, I was on my ipad checking emails & forgot he had linked his new gmail address to my ipad I clicked to delete all the junk & trash emails so they weren’t sitting on my ipad, I saw lots of live naughty singles chat sites & thought nothing just thought it was spam till my eye caught one of them saying hell new user here is your login, so I logged in & he is online chatting to naughty dirty singles that are all looking for one thing, meet up & have sex, I checked & checked & checked before I was convinced it was him, the phone number was his the description was him & the birthdate was him, so not only has he been physically and mentally abusing me but now after 9 days of unexplained silence he is cheating on me! He has convinced all his family & friends I am the crazy lost the plot one, & he puts on this cool calm collected fake front it infuriates me to the point of just finishing myself if it wasn’t for hurting my mum & dad I would be dead by now how can someone I’ve invested 3 years in & loved & trust ed & cared do all this. I’m depressed I don’t leave the house I hate myself I don’t want to love cause I feel so so worthless unloved. Rejected ugly disgusting fat neglected unwanted & weak.
  Tanks for the insight it was like reading my life

   

• On 3rd Mar 2014 at 12:51 AM Cecelia White said…

  This happened to me. The outcome was that I became dissociated and had hallucinations. To all outside appearances, I was the crazy one. And I got to experience all of the bad behaviors that result from abuse, and people all around me were able to point the finger at me: “Yeah, she’s the crazy one.” Well, I feel really bad for anyone who is in this lie. I pray that you find the help, someone who will believe that you were never the problem, that you were so naive, you just couldn’t imagine that someone who claimed to love you could do this to you. The only way I got thru this will any life remaining was through faith-filled friends at church: my (Catholic) pastor believed me and I was lucky to a good fellowship group there that showed me that there is still love in life and beauty in the world. Go to Jesus. God Bless.

   

• On 3rd Mar 2014 at 03:03 PM Bec said…

  For days, i have been reading articles about relationships, what things might mean that are happening to me etc…All things i have read so far, i feel apply to me but at the same time, i feel guilty, i feel like I’m doing wrong by him…I’m so confused!!!

  The last time i talked to my partner was 5 days ago…i tried to have a serious conversation with him about an opportunity that has come up for me, he’s not happy because he wouldn’t be able to see me very much, i found him being upset about this to be a complete joke…you may understand why in a minute…

  -We have been seeing each other for almost 4 years now
  -We only spend time together on weekends, which is not very much at all, i have tried to make it more, but get nothing…
  – He was all nice & sweet in the start, always texting me, talking to me on the phone, wanting to see me, but extra visits never happened
  – I get almost no communication out of him at all, i have tried but i felt like giving up on it as he doesn’t really make an effort..
  – I have put in effort with his family the whole time we have been seeing each other, he has only met my family once & that was at my mothers funeral last year, he hasn’t even met my nephews still to this day…I feel he always makes excuses
  -I only get communication from him when he has a funny story from work or a joke to tell me, or if he wants to go out somewhere with me on the weekend instead of just the usual staying in & watching movies, which gets very boring after a while…

  I have been straight up with him about my past, i have been in 2 other emotionally, physically & sexually abusive relationships before him, i have told him my boundaries, i have told him about my mental illness, he has seen it.
  He says he is always there for me, has always been supportive of me, always listened etc, i honestly feel like he has been the opposite…
  I had to go into a psychiatric ward for a couple of months a couple of years back for severe depression, anxiety, severe panic attacks & psychosis, that whole time in the hospital, i think i saw him twice…
  Everytime i got upset about something its either “Stop crying!” or repeatedly asking me whats wrong & then not understanding it.
  One time i was hysterical, sitting in his room crying my eyes out over something that had really hurt me, he turned his back the whole time & continued to watch tv, i walked out because i felt completely cut off & ignored, yet i got yelled at for walking out & not saying goodbye…
  That is definitely not the first time its happened.
  When he is drunk & in public with me, with our mates, he has a tendency to humiliate me by saying something embarrassing & not even caring about saying it.
  Everytime i try to speak to him about something I’m happy about, or something good thats happened, or i talk to him about why I’m upset coz he has asked, he pauses for a second & then continues on about how busy he is, how his day is going, a joke from work he heard or something funny he has seen at work, i feel like my feelings are being dismissed & disregarded, is that right? Im not sure or am i just going crazy again?

  Anytime he has upset me, i need to point it out to let him know, it should never happen in the first place but i need to put a stop to it then & there, i get yelled out, i get told i shouldn’t have gotten upset about it, there is no remorse, no apology.

  I always get put down about my job, because i only work part time & he works full time, I’m told i should have a full time by my age, honestly there has been so many bumps in the road for me, things have not been easy, i have had struggles like other people, i had to look after myself & take care of myself & get better before anything because i know i have triggers, i know what they lead to & its a very fragile & dangerous situation at times…

  I got assaulted at work a year ago, now I’m afraid of people grabbing or touching me, i then in front of him one night got smacked on the arm by a drunk man & yelled at, he never stood up or defended me, just watched on, i got freaked out & walked to the bathroom, proceeded to have a massive panic attack to the point of almost passing out, the only person who checked to make sure i was okay was another lady who saw it & knew i wasn’t okay, i went back out & i got yelled at for it, my partner knew of the assault, i told him the drunk guy freaked me out, i get told by partner that I’m only using the assault as an excuse & i need to get over it!

  I feel like I’m ignored as a partner, i feel he has more time for his friends than he has for me, he won’t spend anytime with me during the week because he is tired from work but that doesn’t stop him from seeing or picking up his mates to spend time with them during the week…

  I feel like he has no empathy towards me whatsoever, every time I’m going through a hard time, it turns into a conversation all about him or he will start bitching about somebody behind their backs to me… I don’t say anything coz sadly I’m used to it but i also get the “Its not all about you” thrown at me. I get no nice compliments, no communication, i don’t even get an “I love you” unless i say it first…
  Every struggle he has been through, i have actively made sure I’m there to support him, shoulder to cry on, or if he needs someone to listen to, because i understand what its like to be in those kinda situations & like to help as i have been helped by so many people myself…

  I feel like I’m only there for when he needs me, like when its at his convenience…

  The fight we had 5 days ago, well it turned into a fight because i was being completely real with him as i always am. All i asked was a simple question, i got accused of trying to start an argument with him, for starting shit again, He got incredibly angry & said he didn’t want to talk any more because he just kept getting increasingly angry & hung up, i feel like i can’t even have a grown up adult conversation with this guy, like i can’t fight to make things right for a change & work things out, I’m fighting for this relationship & it seems he is not, i always get the blame for making him feel like he is always in trouble & for making him look like an asshole…It makes me question things…is it just me? or is he really acting like an asshole?

  I have so much more to write, i think this may be enough though to get the gist of things…

  Is it okay for me to question if he has narcissistic or controlling/ manipulating tendencies & is giving me the complete silent treatment?

  Im not so sure in myself, i always doubt my thinking…I feel lost

  Bec.

   

• On 7th Mar 2014 at 01:33 PM Kiara said…

  Ex-husband did each and every thing exactly as you have described it.
  Finally i have put the puzzle together, have understood the underlying reasons for his behavior.
  Thank you and Thank God i dumped him.
  Now I’m happy,he’s an abuser and I never ever have to look back.
  Thank you.

   

• On 9th Mar 2014 at 04:29 PM sonia downey said…

  I also had this same treatment – it got so bad I lost the use of my legs – doctor asked me what stresses were going on in my life when he found nothing physically wrong – that’s the day my life changed – I knew I had to get out – when we split, he wasn’t happy to see me walking again – I told him that I could now RUN!!  Ladies – don’t give up and above all – get out!!!

   

• On 12th Mar 2014 at 04:53 AM Jeff said…

  My ex Fiance Sarah happens to be an Expert at using the Silent Treatment to get her way.  She will act like she’s sweet and kind one day, then cold and uncommunicative for weeks at a time.  It’s ridiculous, but it’s over.  Loving her makes no difference, hating her won’t either.  Forgetting she exists and walking away and giving her the ‘Silent Treatment’ forever is my only choice now.  I can Honestly say… she doesn’t deserve ME.  ANY of Me.  She doesn’t deserve Love from anybody.  She’s an Emotional Vampire masquerading as an innocent Victim.  Men aren’t the only one’s who abuse.  I actually resent the fact that women seem to get all the excuses to say they’re Victims when 50% of the time they instigate and bring the drama on themselves It takes 2 to Tango.  Thanks to my ex… our family is Destroyed, our kids are crushed, my head is a mess, and I kinda, think women are total shit.. so I guess she wins..sortof.  News Flash.. Nobody Wins.

   

• On 13th Mar 2014 at 06:22 AM leigh said…

  Awesome article. I am in a painful sick twisted product, of my husband.

  I have no strength I don’t know how to sort all this mess he left in my head.

  IF YOU ARE SEARCHING AND THINK THAT IT CHANGES. 20 years later , GET OUT IF YOU HAVE ANY DOUBT, THIS IS A BRUTAL WAY TO ADAPT, UNDERSTANDING THAT ITS NOT AN ILNESS YOU CAN MAKE THE FEW LEFT UNDERSTAND, YOU DO EVERTHING YOU CAN TO UNDERSTAND THAT IT ISNT an”OBSESSION” its lonely,ITS MATRIMONIAL TERRORISM,  PRISIONER of WAR he cast on you!

  I CANT TELL YOU ANYTHING GREAT, I DO HAVE MY THOUGHTS THAT I SPEND ALL DAY RECORD PLAYING STUFF,IT SUCKS WHEN IT STARTS RHYMING,CAT IN THE HAT.

  I am ashamed and scared that important people, are they going to judge.? MY kids are the reason, I still have hope that’s how I ended up here.

  THANK YOU FOR SHARING this informative info. Its been almost TWO YEARS he has left me to serve a penance of the echoing, silence 4 years of cutting me off of ill be super generous “adult affection”. This tiny little bit, has taken just over an hour.

  ARE THERE SUPPORT GROUPS THAT ACKNOWLDGE THIS form of ABUSE? A HUMAN PERSON THAT CAN POSSIBLY RELATE.

  I think this is the best place ive been in a while. Thank you for sharing!

  Leigh

   

• On 17th Mar 2014 at 12:25 PM Brenda Douglas said…

  I am a woman and I have been married for 13 years and what I am reading is so true to form until it has almost scared me to death …This was truly meant for me to read right when I saw it I am searching the net like crazy trying to find out why my husband won’t talk to me at I see some of you say it’s been 2 weeks or 4 weeks my husband does not talk to me well daily if we say 5 words to each other we are doing well because most days he won’t talk at all …I have all but begged him to talk to me he knows it’s one of my favorite pass times ….I have thought so many times what have I done I don’t go out any more and I am totally drained he does not work he does nothing but eat sleep lay in the bed watch TV …He claims to have Chronic depression he has been sexually abused his parents were Holocaust survivors he won’t go and see about him self he was raised in a very poor situation …how ever what really makes me feel that he knows what he is doing is the fact that he has a Bachelor of Phychology Degree and is well informed ..I have asked why did he major in Phychology he says just always interested he what makes the mind work…Mind you now he never did anything with the Degree but it just really lets me feel that he knows how to play the game ….I have kept wondering really for the past 2 years what the hell is wrong with me ..In 2010 I had a stroke and I am fine now Thank God but I thought what was wrong with me was after effects from that ….Then I started to get very depressed was taking antidepressents well I had my Mom and Dad here with me taking care of them they passed away and things have gotten even worse they are the worst of the worst ….he went back to school and got a teaching degree after teaching for 3 and half years he quit has not worked sense and won’t talk about it it’s like he gets upset if you mention it …people think I am acting the way I do because of the passing of my Mom and Dad ..I don’t think so this man is bad and I look at him sometimes and all that I read in this article and your reply’s I see and feel in him all to well …I want out before I am any more damaged goods …I don’t know how yet but I want out he is not getting any better and I think this is as good as it’s going to get Silent in Las Vegas …

   

• On 17th Mar 2014 at 09:45 PM Van said…

  Ive been going through this since September, I have gone through everyhthing described above,asking questioning reprimanding myself , just trying to ‘cope’ each day with this behaviour i do not understand. Thank God i took my fone and tyed the words men who withdraw silence… and found this article.
  I am not to blame. I am a strong person and a good person. I have not fought back. but he continues to take me on a rollercoaster, not telling me anything. but he promises me love and togetherness. then he stops talking. I want to give up.
  He is supposed to be a good man

   

• On 19th Mar 2014 at 03:53 PM shay19817 said…

  I think I’m going through this its so confusing to me. I have taken a lot of abuse in my life from being sexally abused by my father to physically abused by men.Now with a man of 3 years with 9 month old and I’m losing my mind. When I first met him he treated me like a princess he cared he was nice. After we moved in together it changed. so we have been living together 3 years he in 3 years has never complimented me on any thing he doesn’t and haven’t in 3 years really touched me in an intimate way when I ask him to compliment me or just treat as though I’m special and not as something he only needs for a fill up every now and than but he ignores me he laughs when I cry. Don’t get me wrong I have never fully trusted him but when we found out I was pregnant 2 weeks he decided not to come home one night after work told me the cops picked him up for a warrant 4 hours later came home I believed him a year later I found out he spent all our money and went out to gamble and do drugs. He sent dirty pictures of him self to other females he didn’t know 1 week before we moved in together.  So needless to say I have struggled with trusting him and I have accused him of doing chatting and have doubted him so now it’s my fault the relationship is like this. I use to be fun loving out going happy since being with him I don’t even have a friend since 3 years. When I tell him I need to be loved to I want to be touched sexally or for him to even once say I’m beautiful he says I’m to needy tells me he scared to go to work or even answer his phone or I will accuse him of something.  I feel like I’m lost and alone I love this man so much and I have been waiting 3 years for him to love me and still no change I just want the person back I fell in love with 3.5 years ago but I belive that that man was a lie to rope me in since he has gotten me he really gives me nothing in return. I love him I give and do everything for him and never does he say your great. He goes to work and makes money I’m on maternity off in 6 weeks back to work. But I’m seriously about to take what ever blame he wants to give me for this relationship and leave everything and walk away . When ever I bring up he yells tells me it over and it’s my fault for not trusting than ignores me or anything I have to say about the relationship always when he ends it and we start talking about something other than us he turns nice but if I talk about us he goes to bed or says he is gonna leave I can’t take it anymore he has no idea how is is hurting. Is this abuse or is it my fault because I have accused him of cheating be for u don’t know what to do

   

• On 20th Mar 2014 at 04:11 AM YP said…

  I cannot thank enough for this article. I was and am a bad victim of this silent abuse. I felt exactly the same way this article reflects and now I can related to it. My partner is the case of child abuse and now he is putting that negativity on me even though I almost lost everything i had for him. Not worth :(. I will fight back against my depression and will cut off completely from this abuser

   

• On 24th Mar 2014 at 03:32 AM Mimi said…

  Omg. When I read this, everything started to make so much more sense. It’s so accurate. I was in the dark the whole time. My mom is exactly like that. She ignores me, and she always, whenever talking to her friends on the phone or at their house, complain about me and I don’t even know what I did. All her friends hate me. They suggest my mom to send me to a foster house or something. Everyone feels pity for her. It’s all just like you said. It’s been 3 years about it and I’m going crazy. I have all the symptoms of the true victim except I don’t do serious self-harm, I used to but not now. But I pluck my hair sometimes, and have all symptoms of depression. I have no friends or anything. There are more reasons for these symptoms of mine. I went through mental trauma when I was 13-14. I never told/will never tell anyone because it’s too embarrassing.

   

• On 25th Mar 2014 at 03:03 AM Nina said…

  I find this article very interesting. I do agree that in some cases the silent treatment is given as a form of punishment or abuse. However, I also have to add that not all silent treatments are given intentionally as a form of abuse. For instance when someone hurts my feelings ( cheats on me or lies to me) I shut down at first. I am not able to talk to that person that caused me pain.It takes me time to get over the hurt and to be able to speak to the person again. Does this make me an abuser?

• On 30th Mar 2014 at 07:57 PM June said…

  My children, particularly the eldest are good at dishing out mental abuse. It’s been going on for years. Today has opened my eyes. No contact on Mothers Day. Nothing. They happily take my help, advice and all that I offer as a loving, caring mother and grandmother but when it comes to effort from them……..nothing. Today has changed things for me. I now see this behaviour as abuse because of the way it has made me feel today and I no longer buy into it. Thank you for letting me share the insights on this site.

   

• On 1st Apr 2014 at 11:30 AM Amur said…

  I am in a relationship like this my hubby will not answer my calls shuts me out ignores me for weeks on end makes me feel like the abuser and so alone!

   

• On 2nd Apr 2014 at 11:02 PM patti said…

  After 14 yrs of silent abuse I left.  He told me children I was on drugs. That I cheated. Countless horrible other things about me that werent true.  My children who were going bacl and forth from our homes starting getting angry with me because he was crying and I was strong. I love my children.  He begged and after 7 mths I went back.  It wad worse then ever and he made me look worse then ever. It b has gotten better.  The physical violence has stopped.  I showed my daughter tuis article.  She told me it was my fault for hiding it from her.  No one gets that it was hos fault for doing it in the first place.  I will die from either suicide when I have had so much I cant hold on any longer (only reason I haven’t yet is my children) or from him causing a car accident with his extreme road rage.  I am sure the later Is jot far off.  it will be 20 yrs in october.  I am too tired to try to leave again.

   

• On 9th Apr 2014 at 05:00 AM paul said…

  why does it say he women do this to men!!!!!!!!!!!!!

   

• On 14th Apr 2014 at 11:23 PM jessica said…

  my mum has done it to me all my life, my ex did as well – i thought it was normal the way he treated me after being brought up by her. i got myself out of the relationship after 3 and a half years and moved back with my mum, shes not physical just mental he was both but shes probably worse because people knew what he was like, im 23 and shes still doing it now ive only just told people and no one believes me they make me feel guilty and make it out to be my fault. apparently its disgusting the way i get angry at her for the fact they were both having sex with eachother behind my back while we all lived together. i dont ever speak about this but she ruined my dad before this and now its happening to my brother who i care to much about so i need to start doing something

   

• On 17th Apr 2014 at 05:01 AM Debbie said…

  I cant believe what i just read.  It is as if i wrote about my own life. I thought I was crazy, i tried to take my own life. And i am still so angry at him that i am still in the text terrorism phase. Anything he says or does can set me off. I used to be so optimistic and happy and now I feel like an empty shell. I really thought i lost my mind and that i was to blame at least somewhat. He has already moved on to his next victim. Right out of my house into hers. I am sure he has done the same in past relationships and it is due to his father physically abusing his mother. I didnt realize what was happening to me. I am done being his victim. I cant allow him to steal anymore of my life. 8 years is long enough and we have a beautiful little boy. We share custody but i will no longer tak his calls or give in to the urge to text meaningless hate because it makes no difference to him and only takes away from me. I am deserving of love and affection and to be with a man that will give me the time and respect I deserve. Thank you so much for helping me see what happened to me. I know now i dont need answers from him as to why but i need to answer to myself and stop allowing him to interfere in my life. I am glad he is gone but now to conquer the cutting off of all ties, texts and unnecessary arguements and conversations that do not pertain to our son,

   

• On 23rd Apr 2014 at 07:37 PM Kathryn said…

  THANKYOU for this site, I am a victim of family violence, mental, verbal and physical abuse for the past 6 years. It took becoming a mother for me to say no more. Hearing my newborn baby scream in fear was the moment my strength kicked in.

  I have an intervention order on my husband and am about to defend his legal advances for custody of our baby.

  He shows no remorse for any of his cruelty. He is also a serial cheater, engaging in several long term relationships at a time. I became aware of 2 long term affairs during my pregnancy when my baby was only 3 mths old.

  I feel comforted by the sharing here, as I too have become irrational during the silent treatment and send endless text messages to him HOPING he will see my pain and “Care” but all it does is give him something to show people that I’m “Crazy” texting him so much.

  I have sought counselling and understand the domestic violence cycle a lot better now. I am trying to regain my happy self I was before this relationship.

  I just pray the legal system supports me, as he can be very charming and convincing. He threatened to kill my unborn baby when I was 8mths pregnant, and threatened to kill me when I told him I would take my 12day old baby away from his abuse cycle.

  Current affairs are focused on domestic violence at the moment following several murders by perpetrators of family violence of their victims.

  I will do anything I can to protect my son from being the next victim in this cycle of domestic abuse.

  My heart goes out to all people caught in the cycle. Unless it is experienced, it is hard for people on the outside to understand why we stayed.

  Hopefully sharing our stories can give us the strength to get out for good.
  Warmest regards and best wishes to u all.

   

• On 30th Apr 2014 at 01:48 AM patricia said…

  i have been with my now fiancee for almost 4 years.i seen red flags yet i ignored them thinking he just could not make it without me.first he hit and choked me when i tried to leave his home before i moved in and threw my keys in the snow then i called my daughter and she had to bring my spare key.but by then he begged me into talking to him.later 6 months we moved to apartment together and his ex sister n law came to where we were working and said she was taking the grandkids to see her,i ask by not meaning anything what kind of person she was and how old the kids were as his mom was on meds that were narcotic.rite after that he screamed at me and loudly so all could here him and started saying i was trying to get him to talk bad about her.i new what was next but id never been with nobody who treated me that way and i did not know how to deal or what to say except that was not the truth and it was about meds.i started getting my stuff and he started throwen them out the door curen my daughteras she seen him hit me again.then he wouldn get his tools out of my car,that was a way he kept me in his control was using my car for storage and he had 4.he blacked my eye and face and scrached me up and someone called police.they took him to jail.long story short i went back and he has never hit me again.he does worse.the silent treatment.neglects me and ignores me altogether.from a few days to now a week.always saying im crazy when i ask if he wants out and says it all in my head.i tell him mabee we should go seperate ways and he says no im wonderful but my daughter and two grandkids moved in til taxes and its always something about her and the kids that are 4 and 5.he gets mad at my daughter says she is lazy and doing me wrong so he punishes me for it.now admitts he abuses me because of others if he gets mad.but when i say something to her he acts like im lying or wrong.then he is happy for a day or two then blink of a eye he is mad.he goes to work comes home and goes to bed and i take his food and drink in there and go get it 3 times a day on weekends.if he is mad enuf he wont eat now.he pee,s in a jug in bedroom so he dont have to come out.wont shower until morning time to go to work.latly he says he dont want to come home and his sister says we should make my girl move.but he only talks to his sister at work not in front of me.so there is no telling what he tells them.but my daughter does everything he ask her to that was supose to b making him mad.but still he finds things.and we all walk on eggshells.even the kids because they cant play and be normal.we constantly have to quiet them or else.when i told him to be man enuf to tell me when he wants to leave and not just not come home then says he aint going without me.that me and him will up and leave..my daughter wants out but is waiting for her taxes.she cant please him.and if he gets mad at her he treats me so bad.he dont talk to me either unless its about him.but when i talk he has yelled in front of my daughter and said damn you never hush.talk talk talk.i use to cry all time and he,d say sorry then now he wont allow me to cry.if i do he punishes me.he puts words in my mouth that aint true.blames me when its him.im sick ritenow and going threw alot but he dont ever say nothing or ask what the dr is doing for me and my problem.but he went and he tells me.we have sex in the morning when and only when he wants to.but puts no effert in it.i dread it now and i think he does.the happy lady he met 4 years ago.younger to,im 43 he is 55.im now sickly and a mental mess and i cant explain to anyone because i dont know how to.ive never been with a man like this but i know he treated his ex the same.so i think he would anyone.he will walk away when im still talking.go to bed without saying goodnight when he is in a ok mood and is in the living room.blames it on my daughter that he has to stay in his room.swears he loves me and is still faithful but ive noticed many things.and i have caught him in a few lies.at this time im scared of going to bed,to see what he will say or will he turn over and play asleep.i want out but i dont know how to anymore.i feel worthless and all my money is in his bank.i had a good job and made good money paid vacations,bought him close shoes belts boots everything.rings not cheap.but when it ended now i wont go to work til september this year.he buys my stuff but gripes bout everything.but was no problem when i was paying bills by myself.he didn work for a year and half.its got way worse sense he went to work.i know he aint going to change and i think he is as miserable as me.so why cant he tell me and we can end it.ive begged him to.i dont want people thinking he sacrificing for my girl and her 2 kids to be here.she works and helps to.leaves every weekend with her kids.he wont let me babyset them only while she works until i go to work.i feel broken down and need help.please can you give me advice.i see all these others who is in the same boat.why cant we just go.

   

• On 10th May 2014 at 05:20 AM Nicole said…

  I Have been with my boyfriend for over a year.  I love him. I’m going through the silent treatment now.  It hurts like hell. He didn’t sleep in the bed with me last night.  I honestly don’t know “exactly” why he is not talking to me.  I asked him he said “if you don’t know I don’t know” he does this routinely I don’t like it.  I want to leave.  My heart aches, the first time he gave me the silent treatment I begged him and cried now I know better yea it still hurts but I’m. Not giving him the satisfaction. I say things to him if needed but I’m not kissing. His but no no well dont know how long this treatment will last I should just pack my things and move on cause it will happen again he has no respect for me

   

• On 10th May 2014 at 12:23 PM Becky said…

  I suppose I’ve come on here to help me deal with the pyslogical crap in my relationship. As I don’t know where to turn too. I have been in a relationship with my partner for just over a year. Things wasn’t right from the get go, and I question myself why didn’t I throw the towel in then! Anyway I took her away paid for everthing as she didn’t work at that time. Then bigger cracks started appear she would put me down comment on my tattoos, And snidy digs about my image… Now shes a very stunning girl whi grabs alk the attention, and this she knows…. We constantly break up and I go running back to her because she’s made me feek so worthless about myself, I’m this big secret in her life…. its as if she wants all from me and if she doesn’t feel like shes getting that then once again I’m put down, She could have anyone she liked…. But shes admitted something isn’t right with her and has seeked medical advice which they have said shes got a personality disorder…. My friends and family can see what she is doing but how can I walk away? We split for a week no contact then she messaged apologising saying all the pain shes has caused me, how much she loves me . And I took her back thinking finally shes realised. Whithin 2 days I’m back to square one…. Uts so frustrating heartbreakibg and soul destroying,  My head us just a pile of broken biscuits

   

• On 10th May 2014 at 08:47 PM musarrat said…

  Plz help me my sister in law is playing same game with me she is making my depresion worst by ignoring me with silent abuse what i should do she can feel my stress when she ignores she play a master game.as my daughter has same school with her son from that day she acting like this.

   

• On 12th May 2014 at 10:49 AM Jan said…

  Silent treatment is the worst because it is so deliberate and premeditated, perverse if you ask me.  I went out with somebody like that. First four months were great, constant contact and then suddenly, silence. No more calls and texts and no explanation either. Nearly went out of my mind thinking he had been in an accident.  Despite being advised by a friend not to, I went back to him after a whole week and that set the trend for the two years I was with him – long distance relationship, I may add.  He was always going back and forth, hot to cold.  Happened once too when we were both on separate holidays. Disappeared for two weeks and left me wondering, and wham, just as I was giving up on him, back he came and so on and so forth.  I am writing this as just recently, I heard from as he learned I was in a difficult professional situation.  It was a nice enough text but I did not reply because I did not want to give him the chance to ignore me again.  And it brought memories flooding back of all the times that I would just have loved to have heard from him, and he deliberately ignored me. Is there anything as bad as being ignored by somebody who knows that you would love to hear from them?  I lost sleep over him but I bet he never did.  I would not want to go back down that road again for love or money.  I totally agree, silence is about control, it is mean and manipulating until you break the cycle. I also think it shows a kind of silent anger and resentment and you become the target for it, for no other reason than you put up with it. Significantly, when he broke up with me, it was by text, that says it all, lack of empathy, lack of caring and so utterly selfish.  No, I am not ignoring him or giving him the silent treatment, just staying in a safe place.

   

• On 13th May 2014 at 10:17 AM Mrs Hardcastle said…

  I have had this from my father all my life.  Whenever I displeased him or said anything with which he disagreed, he would give this treatment, until he decided that the time was right to talk again.  Once, he didn’t speak to me for eighteen months.  As an adult, I have been unable to function and each day is a struggle.  Any little remark by another will become a whole load of criticism or rejection.  I suffer anxiety and depression.  My mother died when I was twelve but this isn’t the worst thing that happened to me: the worst thing was having such an unsupportive and selfish father.  Counselling doesn’t help with this: it is easy to intellectualise the issue, but how do you take away such entrenched feelings?

   

• On 13th May 2014 at 10:19 AM Mrs Hardcastle said…

  I should have said that your article is marvellous and it has taken me until now (I am 57) to realise that there is nothing wrong with me and I do deserve love and affection.  Again, though, it is hard to overcome entrenched feelings, and I don’t know how to do it.

   

• On 16th May 2014 at 12:28 AM katie said…

  Again I failed to leave thinking it would end and I’d be strong wow this I s kicking my ass. I feel like I’m stuck in a cage with no one but a wall to talk to ( him) being the wall. Well last night he ignored my sadness when I told him I may go to kail when I go to court in the morning cause he makes everything I say about him being the victim he’s always a victim its weird how he doesn’t even express sadness but last night I told him he’s free hope he lives the way he wants and he threatened me with his fist so now its becoming more dangerous and I’ve had it. Hope u all are stronger than me .

   

• On 26th May 2014 at 05:05 PM Liz said…

  I am going through a difficult time. Leaving and silent treatment have been a part of my relationship for the whole 12 years of it, I should have seen the signs at the beginning but ignored them, I was in love.  Recently, periods of silent treatment have become the norm, lasting up to a week or more, when I try to discuss the issues, it’s always my fault, how he perceives me to have treated him with a whole bunch of personal insults about me, how inadequate I am and picks on weak points in my past (like I have mental issues because my Mum does).  When I finally spout off after trying to have a discussion and after the usual it’s all your fault and the way I have treated him, I get angry and feel a huge sense of rejection and I find this hard to deal with.  My husband deprives me of an sexual contact and is in every way cold and heartless in his dealings with me.  It bothers me that our daughter picks up on this and will b affected in the future.  When he is away, which is quite regular the household takes on a much more relaxed feeling and everyone is happy.  I am at the end of my tether, my older children see what is going on, they are 22 and 18 and we talk about it sometimes.  To the outside world he is mostly considered a normal guy although he has been known to continue silent treatment towards me on social occasions, he now continues to do so but will at least converse with the people we are socialising with.  I feel worthless, unattractive, disrespected and unhappy.  I am a strong character and I believe he wants to control me as much as he can.  I feel life is slipping away, all I want is love, affection and some respect.  I believe that this is now impossible to achieve.  My thoughts are turning to getting advice from a solicitor.

   

• On 26th May 2014 at 11:02 PM Fred said…

  Theresa, this is a nice article and describes my current situation to a T.  Except the “he” is a “she”.

  Womren do this shit too, a lot.

   

• On 3rd Jun 2014 at 03:29 AM DONNA OBREMSKI said…

  Thank you for this,i have tried to explain to people what i go through by angering him in way’s most people do not get angry, HE WILL LITERALLY PUT UP IN FINGER’S THE AMOUNT OF”WEEK’S”HE WILL NOT ACKNOWLEDGE ME FOR AND WILL ACTUALLY “shun” me when i walk in the room, don’t care except for the fact we have kid’s and i have no access to my bank account so, i have a bigger story than this but am tired and need to go to bed now.

   

• On 10th Jun 2014 at 06:31 PM Danny said…

  I hear u other man that their girlfriends threat them this way and I read this article very carefully and it irritates me that it’s being strictly made out to be the man that is the typical abuser I have been married for 10 years and in the beginning I do not push my wife to go out and work call me old fashioned but I supported my family happily with only my income without any hesitation and the biggest smile on my face when my wife is pregnant with my first child she would always cry to me that she wanted to work which I felt was unnecessary and when she had my daughter she never went out and look for work and when she became pregnant with my second child she did the same thing she cried to me that you wanted to work but with my work it wasn’t easily done with your parents working and she was breastfeeding and when they were done being breastfed she began to make excuses and never look for work and after nine years she finally gets a job when my job I get for 19 years became extinct and what I knew for 19 years 1000 and no experience doing anything else and the job she works at now she got to Cal works she didn’t find the job herself and now she’s on her high horse I had a place with my sister even though she was really need to ask you were still together as a family and she caused a problem that caused this do you have to leave the house and she decided to go back to your families which she knew I do not like and wasn’t comfortable leaving due to the fact that her family attacks me verbally and repeatedly tells me that I’m on the bottom of the latter and that I have to prove myself to them what kind of s*** is that they told me in front of her that I’ve never worked a day in my life in all I’ve ever did was collect welfare and she stood by and said nothing when he knew the truth and made me feel like everything I did a 2 to 10 years what is never done by one person and only one person which with me I had nobody help me I do not live in a house with the other people who are making income to help pay for one house scene I struggled in did it by myself neglecting my needs and give in to their knees what you expected of a man and a husband and a father who loves their family boat was belittled by his wife and her family rehab now this year apart and she had no problem when her family do not want me in their home because I spoke up against em and release my anger under front door beating the s*** out of it and taking it off its frame when they only speak Spanish and my wife speaks English and Spanish as well as I do I was talking to my wife in Spanish so that they could hear what I was saying about this situation with my sister she knowing that they don’t speak English started to get aggressive with your words in speaking English did not know what was being said that they heard The that tone in her voice and immediately attacked me I later became to realize that my wife and her family are narcissists and think that they don’t have to learn English and that I am stupid and then when I speak two languages and all this that I have bread is me today that is me being the victim he’s barely held a job for one year and it is about to end in September in a few months and she must now go out and look for her another job by herself I must say that I have not been able to get back into working industry although I am hired with a 10 and they said they are looking for a warehouse for me to working but its been a month and a half and because of my past work history no one wants to hire me because my skills have no potential or no interest in there working environment she has ignored me constantly abusing me mentally physically to where I have became aggressive verbally abuse her I am no longer happy and only seem to be mad when I’m around her and no matter how much I tell her instead of her ignoring me to respond yeah he ignores me and it just feels my rage and I start saying things that I regret and it makes me look like the monster that I had laid dormant for many years before I married her she has brought up this monster game and is much too strong for me to put back to sleep I miss my kids I miss my family I miss my wife but she keeps me from all of them my new I need it is true ignoring is more abusive than physical abuse you can use the mind it depresses the person it turns them into something that one should never be define them and make them the other thing in the world why they refused kid knowledge that they are are there booster unnessei to work

   

• On 11th Jun 2014 at 12:22 PM XYZ said…

  I also am going through the same treatment at present. My husband has a habit of doing this to me often ..last time it lasted for 7 months together, until I cried and asked him to stop it.
  But now, although, very painful, I am used to it. I also get along with my daily routine as if nothing has happened.
  I have started enjoying life on my own, I do what ever makes me happy and ignore his behavior.
  After all, life is too good to be wasted on such people and behavior.

• On 12th Jun 2014 at 04:41 AM Amanda said…

  My mother did this to me, from a few hours to a few days as I got older. Reading your article helped me realise that this punishment was the worst.  During these periods I was allowed anywhere in the house but I would spend a lot of time in my bedroom reading as that felt most comfortable.  I felt a lot of hate towards my mother as well as feelings of being totally alone.  It definitely achieved the effect my mother wanted.  I was very sorry for whatever I had done to cause this state of affairs. I felt very bad about myself.
  From her I could feel her absolute enjoyment that she had control of me… And also she herself didn’t even look bad. It was at these times that I felt her true feeling (almost a hatred) of me.
  Once she broke the silence by buying me a cheap trinket box, into which she put a religious verse, cut from the newspaper. It was supposed to make me “wake up” to my badness.
  The woman was a complete b****.  I still have so many feeling of anger and sadness to feel.  Then I’ll be able to forgive her….

   

• On 17th Jun 2014 at 09:33 PM flora said…

  ive been through a similar situation as julia…how are you doing now?

   

• On 23rd Jun 2014 at 12:48 PM Sherri said…

  My husband can be very affectionate and caring but when we argue he doesn’t talk to me he started abusing me verbally then 2 years into the relationship he slapped me then after that he tried to strangle me I took both our boys and my older son from previous marriage and went to a refuge took an avo he got some respected elders involved and promised he will never hit me again after a failed first marriage I wanted to try work our problems out and gave him another chance he got counceling and stopped the physical abuse but every time we argued he would ignore me and showed no affection while I cried and didn’t eat he would happily go on with everything like nothing was wrong today after an argument he spat on my face so I slapped him and he kicked me so hard I fell flat on my face he later told my mum he didn’t kick hard I fell and all day I’ve been crying his not apologised he just talks to me when he needs to i can relate to this article his actions and giving me silent treatment messed me up so badly that I text him saying yes I deserved everything his done to me he didn’t even reply I know I don’t deserve any of it I know I have to leave him yet here I am feeling worthless and waiting for him to say sorry I know he won’t I’m hurting soo much I have a mother who has dementicia thati care for and our baby boy Whois 2 yrs old has mild autism I clean cook and look after everyone yet nobody appreciates or cares about me I’m a totall wreck and have no support from family everyone of our friends think my husband is very caring and loving because he does nice things in front of them I need help ….sherri

   

• On 23rd Jun 2014 at 11:30 PM Cate said…

  This has happened to me twice. Both times the man has mentioned having been mistreated in childhood by one or both parents, possibly the victim of the silent treatment himself. Not for me to fix.
  If the man remains silent forever, the woman eventually moves on. Life finds a way. But no, these men always know when to come back; they break the silence just in time.
  I am on day 10 of being ignored. I don’t care how he justifies himself. This is simply NOT how a gentleman behaves!

   

• On 25th Jun 2014 at 06:31 PM Mandy said…

  It happened to me – the longest period of ignoring was 14 months after an argument which he started.  It had been going on (and off) for five years previously to that.  And included using my teenage daughter as his escort, taking her hand and walking into social engagements and restaurants whilst I was walking behind them, getting her drinks whilst forgetting to ask me what I want.  Complete denial of the fact that he was at fault even although our counsellor told him that it was abuse.  We only went to the counsellor because I suggested it. In front of the children and friends and family everything was normal, back in our bedroom or alone, he ignored me, didn’t tell me family news, refused to touch or speak to me.  I am not the type to self-harm or beg, I ignored it as best I could and was grateful when it ceased.  We only had a social life when it ceased.  He made himself unavailable emotionally, physically and socially for years.  He thought he was in charge of my happiness and found out to his utter shock that I was having an affair – driven to it by the need to have someone who was interested in me and who cared for me, and who would touch me.  And then he had the cheek to cry when I left him… and he carried on, even after deciding to get a divorce he put a programme on my computer that he could access remotely to follow my activities.  It was all a control game.  And then when I left the house he sat with the children at his side and watched me pack and carry all my possessions out of the house – the original Scarlet Woman, and he made sure the children understood whose fault it was – he told them I broke up our family.

   

• On 15th Jul 2014 at 05:11 AM jillian brynn said…

  i dated someone who broke it off with me like this. well, first he texted me (after we had spoken on the phone for over an hour – it was long distance at the time as he was spending some time abroad) that he is seeing someone now and then that was it. he never mentioned her to me but i discovered he actually had a plan to be with her which is why he left. he kept me hanging around for 4 months, never mentioning her to me. later he told everyone that he and i were just friends. he even forwarded some of my emails to his friend who replied calling me crazy, etc. he told me that my ex called me weak which makes me so angry. whats weak is ignoring your feelings and ignoring the other persons need for closure. it was the most difficult thing ive ever had to endure, i became suicidal and i self mutilated. i lost fifteen pounds because i became so upset i couldnt eat. i couldnt sleep and i had severe crying fits and moments of intense rage. after a lot of therapy, im doing better, but it has made trying to date again a nightmare. if i dont hear from the other person soon enough, i begin to think they are simply going to ignore me and i get ‘flashbacks’ and go back into the same state i was in before. i havent experienced any other types of abuse, but i know that this type is dreadful. its difficult too because many of my loved ones simply did not understand. ‘just get over it.’ but not being able to have any sort of closure, no explanations as to why he did what he did, why he lied and hurt me so badly, it drove me very literally insane. i very much hate him. people always talk about ‘forgiveness’ but ive read new research about how you dont always have to forgive to move on. i will never, ever forgive him. i wish him luck in finding better ways to deal with his emotional weaknesses, mostly for the sake of the other women he tries to date, but i will never forgive him.

   

• On 19th Jul 2014 at 06:18 PM deb said…

  verbal/emotional abuse
  1. The scars never heal.
  2. Once you leave it, really leave it, you know without a doubt, you will never allow the total disrespect from a so-called human being again in this lifetime.
  3. Breathe…you have been let out of prison.

   

• On 25th Jul 2014 at 05:31 PM Mark said…

  I am a man who is experiencing the “silent treatment” from a woman who I love and cherish very much – for several months now. And it has been completely and totally devastating to me. She won’t talk, she won’t respond to emails, totally ignoring me, even though she knows I love her and care about her so much.

  To top it all off, I am home bound disabled, and I’ve known this woman for about 2 years. She is extremely attractive. Apparently, she finds lonely guys like me on Craigslist, comes into our lives, then screws us over big time. She came into my life, and lavished all this attention on me and made me feel very special. She wanted to build an addition onto my house to be closer to me; wanted to put a camper in my driveway to be closer to me; wanted to rent an apartment here in town to be closer to me. One time she wanted me to move to Florida with her.

  She’s been here 3 times, and plays games, mind games, head games, and others including sexual temptation games.

  Over the course of 2 years, I seriously deluded myself into believing that she had feelings for me, too. I fell in love with her over time, but I was just a game to her. Meant nothing to her.

  And now she’s been in silent mode for the past several months. Am I angry? Yes. Am I bitter? Yes. Have I said things to her out of anger and extreme frustration with her silence and shunning? Yes I have. Can you blame me? I sure hope not.

   

• On 25th Jul 2014 at 06:34 PM Mark said…

  I am admittedly very angry with the woman is who has been totally silent and shunning me for months now. She knows exactly what she is doing too. She knows it hurts me, and has been devastating to me. She also knows how to end it: call me and talk, but she won’t do it.

  Unlike some others on here, I have begged. I have begged and pleaded and even groveled for her to end this silent game of hers; all to no avail. I swallowed my pride because I love her. What a waste, eh?

   

• On 28th Jul 2014 at 02:17 AM Sean said…

  I have suffered this abuse for years from my now ex girlfriend. She was evil and almost left me with nothing not even my manhood. I didnt feel like a man. She took all that away from me by slowly chipping away at my life.

  It was this article that made me wake up to myself and my ugly situation some months ago. It was also comments from everyone that helped me. I could relate to them all man or woman to a degree.

  I managed to salvage a lot more than had i not of read it. I got out of that relationship and i have saved my life, my home, my job, family and friends. I understand this article well and this article has helped me get out of an abusive situation. I felt relieved that someone out there understood.

  Man or woman, we have all suffered the same abuse and I do not hold every woman responsible for my ex girlfriend. I do not hold the writer of this article responsible for my ex girlfriend either. I dont care if it was written by a possum in a tree as long as this method of abuse we have all suffered, is recognized and helps us move forward and get out of abusive relationships. This article does just that. Once we know its abuse, it makes it a lot easier to do something about it.

  I for one as a man do not take offence because its written by a woman and it doesnt say HE or HIM. Those few men who have a problem with it just want to have a go at the writer because she is a woman. Its someone to have a go at because they are raging at women for the abuse they went through. Isnt that abuse in itself? Isnt that the very substance or part of the abuse we suffered that we are so against? So why are some men adamant on attacking a perfectly good article just because its written by a woman who suffered extreme child hood abuse and went on to be abused by a man?

  If those men complaining feel so strongly about it, why are they here complaining and not setting up websites and using their time to write such a good article for men? If you havent used your time to do it then dont complain at a woman because she did and you didnt.

  Kind regards to everyone who has posted because it has helped me alot MAN OR WOMAN.

  Not every man is an abuser and not every woman is an abuser and i as a man recognize that. No excuse for some of the mens posts because I dont see them posting an article so men like me can post in an all male site.

  May we all find a way forward and find peace

  Sean G

   

• On 28th Jul 2014 at 04:42 AM deb said…

  I think it is very important that men are posting as well as women. Certainly, there are both male and female abusers. Sean made some very important points about people attacking the writer on here. I have actually seen the same thing on regular sites where people comment on the internet about things that have nothing to do with abuse but commenters attack commenters. I just wish all the people in the world would treat each other like the golden rule.

   

• On 2nd Aug 2014 at 07:54 AM Dianne said…

  I am 55, he is 53. We knew each other for several years before beginning a 3 year relationship. A very gentle man, who spoke with such a kind voice, lots of friends and everybody loves him for his gentle nature.  He slowly and cleverly manipulated me without me even realising it.  He had such control of my emotions and I just seemed to love him more.  He would ignore me for days or weeks, wouldn’t phone or reply to any of my calls, then he would suddenly call again and all would be good for a time then it would happen again. I was always asking “Have I done something wrong” or “Do you still want this”, and he assured me I hadn’t done anything wrong and yes he still wanted our relationship.  He was completely emotionless, disregarding any emotions I was feeling and I always got told to “Harden Up”.  He never spoke a loving word, it was always names like “old bag”, but always said as a joke so I never took offence.  He never gave a thing, but always took willingly, yet was always talking about how much money he had given to friends and family. Money seemed important to him, always speaking of how much his sons were earning etc. He had a 19 year old daughter who doted on her Dad and vice versa. I would hear him on the phone to her and it was “Hallo Darling”, “OK Darling” etc., in a way I thought seemed a bit strange, she was nearly 20 not 2 years old. I sincerely hope he hasn’t manipulated her as well.  I was told a couple of times if I didn’t do what he wanted he would leave, and in 3 years he never apologised once, even after all the times he stood me up.  In the bedroom he was always boss, everything how he liked it, sometimes wanting to get way to kinky for me. Many times after sex he would just get up and leave with some excuse about having to go somewhere.  Anyway, about a week ago after about 4 weeks of hearing “I’ll see you tomorrow”, or “I’ll be down in about an hour” and so on and never turning up I phoned him at his son’s house. He answered very sweetly and on hearing my voice just hung up. Haven’t seen or heard from him since. The pain and heartbreak I feel is soul destroying, but it has made me suddenly realise I think I am deeply in love with a “Silent Abuser” who loves playing sick mind games, and I can’t believe I fell under his spell. I would love to hear from anyone else that has fallen victim and given all their love to a person like this and how they coped.  I am sure I have diagnosed him correctly but on the other hand maybe I am a “drama queen” who thinks too much as he would have told me.
  Dianne

   

• On 7th Aug 2014 at 01:22 PM Torquoisesky said…

  I suffered the silent treatment many times over the past 25 years with my abusive husband (now ex). I was 18 when I met him and am now 42. I have been separated from him for 9 years and still feel the sting of what he did. He did just what this article said – he watched me suffer and did nothing to alleviate it. When he met me I was outgoing, extroverted in groups and lively. He beat me down in many ways including physically after 10 years of marriage and I finally left. I went from the lively girl he met to a shell of myself and he had the nerve to say “you’ve changed – you aren’t the same girl in those letters” (Letters written when I was 18-23 and life was about college, freedom and being loved). He destroyed me, knew he was doing it, didn’t care and he moved on to someone else. It’s a tough pill to swallow.

   

• On 7th Aug 2014 at 01:32 PM Anna said…

  This article is so spot on. The effects of silent treatment are so deeply hurtful. It’s sad to read that those who ignore have no care for the victims. A loved one should keep you safe from harm, not create it.

   

• On 11th Aug 2014 at 02:02 PM Electra said…

  This is just a perfect article. I can understand every bit of the word explained here.
  Here is where you come to know, “There is always at least one understanding you in the entire world” And here we have so many facing the same issue.
  Highly appreciable!

   

• On 16th Aug 2014 at 04:15 AM T. T. said…

  This describes my abusive boyfriend completely. Whenever he wants to blow me off he ignores me and as much as I try to reach out to him he ignores me so he can party with his pothead friends. He calls me the worst names imaginable and sometimes I have to create distance to protect myself from his frightening yelling and name calling, yet when I pull back to protect my sanity he calls me the abuser!!! All the while yelling, name calling and terrorizing me. He cut me off from all my friends and I think of suicide frequently. Everyone who knows me says I have lost my spark since being with him.

  When I respond to his behavior and terrorism with angry texts he shows those texts out of context to his friends and family to falsely portray me as the bad one and to get sympathy. He has turned his friends and family against me yet I have never told anyone in 3 years that he drives crazy threatening my life in his car, yells at me, has hit me on multiple occasions even while pregnant, calls me the most filthy names and always puts his friends including his friends wife and girlfriend before me.

  It’s funny he sent the link to this article stating I am the abuser. The sad thing is that because he’s a pathological liar who was raised by abusive drunk men, he has indeed convinced himself that he is the victim. I think that’s the only way he can live with his monster self, having destroyed my spirit, neglecting me during my pregnancy, yelling at me and losing his temper if I dare complain about his drug addiction. I pray I have the strength to stay away from him, my baby doesn’t deserve to be born into a turbulent abusive relationship. He doesn’t care about the baby now, how will he treat him? The same way his abusers treated him – a typical abuser.

   

• On 19th Aug 2014 at 02:03 AM Shell said…

  4 years of this abuse. 2 children. 1 brain tumor. I’m afraid all that keeps me alive is that I haven’t saved our daughters from him.

   

• On 2nd Sep 2014 at 02:42 AM amanda said…

  I’m 50; at 27 my wonderful husband of 6 years died of cancer. I managed to turn around that negative experience and spent the next four years working hard, studying and training to be a nurse. I met my current partner just before i completed my nurse training – he was a consultant physician, tall, good looking, successful, generous, a perfect gentleman; I went abroad for four years to work but every six weeks one of us would travel to be with the other. then there was the opportunity for him to move abroad for a job and i later followed him. this was the first time we actually lived together – six years now. he has no family, says he has no friends – doesn’t go out to socialise unless its with me. my family and friends of over 30 years are in another country – i see them about once a year but only if he’s with me as the silent look i get if i say ‘I’ want to go out with them makes me feel like a 5 year old whose asked for something she shouldn’t, even if it’s my mother i want to see. I was such a strong person after experiencing my husbands illness/death and the aftermath; i was successful in work/business (property); i had friends, a social circle, i use to laugh; it was my choice to move away and be here with him. but what i didnt know about (until we lived together) were the other women; all the time we were together from the begining and even now; he has only once admitted it with the response of ‘you weren’t here’(i was still abroad at that particular time though its still ongoing). he has refused to talk of it ever since i first mentioned it. says its over so why do i go on about it; says ‘i don’t know where you get your crazy ideas from’ shaking his head in disbelief;and because i’m afraid, i stop myself from telling him about the (private) photos i’ve seen that he’s often taken. no-one outside would believe me (my friends and family do)we are apparently the perfect couple. this is not a relationship – he pays for everything, mortgage, bills, holidays etc; i rarely see a bill, he decides what we buy, he may ask me but the end decision is his as he pays. he behaves as if he cares (occasional hug/kiss) but nothing nothing more intimate for a long time. I was enamored by him at the beginning I admit (same as his other women) now i only feel used, bought, cheap, worthless and empty. there is nothing for me here and i so want to leave but i always find a barrier, mostly financial, and a little bit afraid. Now i’m at the stage of thinking that maybe the problem is mine and its Websites like this that remind me its not my fault. I would never say i’m perfect, but i find it difficult to sit in the room with someone for hours and not say a word just because they ‘dont exist’. it scares me when i remember how i use to be and now i dont know me.

   

• On 7th Sep 2014 at 07:00 AM Hope Atkinson said…

  I currently suffered from mental and emotional abuse? From my ex partner but because i suffered from pycosis post natal depression? And my ex was very clever? He has full custody.off my son? Even thougj hes in another relationship hes still trying to play mind games now? Hes getting my son to call his new gf mum? My ex says i have no rights to know were my son live.? Or anything. I recently found out ny son was in hospital my ex said i dont have rights????? How is it possible that a man who can mentally and emotional abuse a woman, take me away from my family when i just had my son? When i needed them more? He convinced me when i was ill that my own mother was getting me sex trafficked? He even grows cannibis? But some how the courts and social workers feel my ex is capable? When he moves houses every 3 months he rips the landlord off???

   

• On 25th Oct 2014 at 03:33 PM Helikatt said…

  Hello this is my life in blk and wht .. And I’ve e reached the end

• On 28th Oct 2014 at 07:07 AM sayuri09 said…

  Almost a month dealing with this silent treatment…I understand it was my fault and tried apologizing for my mistake…it saddens me that we don’t talk as much as we use to. I’m wanting to confront him and give our relationship as friends a chance….don’t know where to begin anymore….any suggestions?

   

• On 31st Oct 2014 at 04:04 AM anna said…

  I m currently in this situation n not sure how to get out. I m sad depressed n not happy. In 10 yrs i changed. All he cares is the mother of his kid. If i m sick he ignores me. I want to move n cant. I feel desperate n o want to get out so bad. I cry everyday. O feel so much pain n cant tell people this.

   

• On 10th Nov 2014 at 08:46 AM O.Braun said…

  If I open my mouth to tell him my worries or feelings, or if I do something “wrong” in his eyes…I’m given first an onslaught of mean words, sometimes followed by a break up, but always ending with him walking away and giving me the silent treatment. Lasts 1-2 days and happens at least once a week. He has no empathy. He is as cold as ice. I’m blamed for everything including him messing around with an ex, lying to me over almost 3 years,  even being caught several times…it’s my fault because I’m too needy or I’m not organized enough. He never has sex if I try to initiate. Not once. He does not listen to a word I say unless about him. I bend over backwards for him and I get nothing loving from him. I’m never complimented. If I’m laughing at something or if I have good news, I am literally berated and/or walked away from. He didn’t used to be like this.
  I am trying just to make it through the night. It has me so sad and hurting terribly. I am always alone. We don’t live together and he hardly spends quality time with me and now even if he does, I know hell will be mine soon after. Why do I put up with this? Why does he do this? How can a human being lack empathy? I can’t comprehend it at all. I am a love bug who is never confrontational. I taught school forever. Have two great kids. I am great friends still with their dad. I’ve never ever been put through this before. Now I am always sad and never can I do anything right. He acts like I’m such a needy person around my mom and he’s my savior. It’s disgusting. But if I fight him on it…he will win with silence. How do I walk away? Help. How can a person not care for another to this extent? It’s like he’s a monster. Thank you for your article. Truly.

   

• On 11th Nov 2014 at 05:25 PM Kiki said…

  I am in a very new relationship and I’m experiencing the silent treatment for the first time in my dating history. It’s very painful. I believe this article will help me move away from what may be an abusive relationship.

   

• On 18th Nov 2014 at 06:42 AM Danny said…

  Wow! Sometime its hard to understand what another is thinking,,really it is, sometimes the best thing we must do is ask why, but to the person that is doing these things to us, I dont make and dont mean to be making up excuses for them, but maybe they r thinking and feeling the same way too! If this helps and I hope it does, but remember if you have a problem there’s someone else in the world that has a bigger problem than yours, I know sounds stupid, but it helps me sometimes,,, sometimes!

   

• On 23rd Nov 2014 at 10:05 AM Kimi-lee said…

  I’ve read many articles of this kind but I just never learn. I’m always able to walk away but always end up with the very same person who administers this treatment. it’s as if I forget what he does to me. I feel so beat down, my confidence is nonexistent at the moment and it’s affecting my business. I’m sometimes in denial of what’s happening, I’m afraid of facing this again but it’s always such a relief when I realise that all my emotional outbursts are because of this treatment. thanks for an eye-opening article.

   

• On 24th Nov 2014 at 08:50 PM lydia e mill said…

  After being in relationship with him for 3 years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email is DRAISEDIONSPELLCASTER@GMAIL.COM you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or any other problem.

   

• On 26th Nov 2014 at 03:49 AM John said…

  I am a man who had been dating someone for close to three years. Whenever my girlfriend and I had an issue she would get angry, leave and give me the silent treatment for days on end. I always felt hurt and neglected by this continual process. She is aware of the anxiety that this causes and effects on my life, sleep, etc., but she does not care and always does it again and again. She has stopped showing affection and wanting sex but I can’t complain or she will get angry, leave, and give the silent treatment. I don’t want to sound non-masculine but this has been very painful. I was unaware that this was mental abuse, but I can definitely feel the pain. I have been asking her what is going on with her and she ends up getting angry when I do. We are now apart and I am scared of going back to her but I do love her. This sucks because I am a much stronger person than this and I feel I can resolve anything.

   

• On 3rd Dec 2014 at 03:20 AM Ronny said…

  Reading this put clarity , to my behaviour with my ex . I went through everything in this article . I did leave my husband and filed for separation. I am free from him. But my past with him for 23 yrs still haunts him. He took my friends, family and even my children .  I suffer from PTSD and constantly trying to stay present. But the mind is powerful. What makes me sick .if you’re being physically. Abuse you can have them arrest . But mental abuse is quite matter and really nobody cares . I reach out to everyone I could think of . There is know justice for how person can get so much power and control over someone else. I am very angry and have little trust in mental health care. What scares me the most is I have 2 beautiful daughters who look up to him for his material success and don’t want them to be with a man like him . I wish he would just acknowledge and get help for our daughters sake .

   

• On 5th Dec 2014 at 03:58 AM AL said…

  I applaud your article, but I want to warn that some who read this may incorrectly conclude that if a person walks away to be alone after a verbal conflict, they are deliberately engaging in the “silent treatment” and therefore are being mentally abusive.  This is what my wife of 18 years continually tells me, she is extremely verbally and mentally abusive to me and puts me down constantly.  She also does not believe in repeating herself twice, so if I don’t get a point and ask her to explain it better, she will refuse and instead turns it into a further means to belittle me by saying that I never listen to her, etc… I believe in open communication, unfortunately my wife does not.  If the conversation/argument reaches a point where she is looking for some answer from me which I cannot figure out and which she will not give me further information to help me out, at some point I will just give up and have to leave to get a moment of peace away from the insane situation I am in.  This is classic abuse 101 advice—get away from the abuser.  It is also classic couple’s therapy advice—go away to take a breather when feelings get too strong.  It’s also classic anger management advice for trying to control your anger.  However, my wife has severe rejection issues, apparently, so she feels this as a hurt to her (not a defensive reaction by me) and then she raises the “you’re giving me the silent treatment again, you ABUSER!!!!” flag.  So please, realize that just because a person leaves a conversation to take a “timeout”, this does NOT mean that they are an abuser.  I know that your article is not saying this explicitly, but a quick read of it might convey that idea to someone with severe rejection issues.  Maybe further clarification could be made so to tell the difference between a “timeout” and the start of silent treatment?

  I DO sympathize with those who get the silent treatment.  I get it from my wife myself, sometimes, when she is extremely upset with me.  And yes, it does hurt a lot.  It crushes the heart when someone you love is rejecting you reaching out to them in love.

  I also want to make a point to those who say that mental abuse is worse than physical abuse.  My wife also becomes physically abusive at times, so I’ve experienced both.  Let me clarify that physical abuse is ACCOMPANIED by deep mental pain/anguish, I would say that it is always a combination of physical and mental abuse and it hurts.  After all, the fact that they use physical violence lets you see how they view you and their supposed love to you (while your love still tries to hold on), and that hurts like anything.  Let’s stop trying to compare one to the other, one is NOT worse than the other, they are BOTH horrible.  I would never wish either of them on anyone.

  I raise this point because my wife believes she is mentally abused by me (because I sometimes have to take timeouts) and when she hits me she will later tell me that mental abuse is much worse than physical abuse, she’s read articles about it, so what she does to me isn’t as bad as what I supposedly do to her.  Though I know this logic is completely bogus, let’s stop perpetuating the idea that mental abuse is worse than physical abuse—they shouldn’t be compared at all, they are both horrible as I said above.

   

• On 5th Dec 2014 at 03:31 PM Max said…

  Hi Everyone,

  I have been following this post for months now. I found it while looking for advice on what to do. I am hoping I can get your advice on what I should do.

  I have contacted social services and even spoken to doctors looking to get help. It seams that is I were a woman that was in an abusive relationship I’d have people kicking the door in to help. However I am finding that if your a man in an abusive relationship no one wants to even return your calls. Has anyone found a solution?

  What does you state do? I live in Virginia and found that if I take my son and try to find a safe place go I was charged with kidnaping my own son. I had my son taken from me at gun point. I had to go back to living with my abusive wife and put up with what ever she wants.
  She won’t hit my son or me anymore because she is afraid of leaving physical evidence. However the mind games are getting worse every day.

  Does anyone have an idea of who I can turn too,

  Here is is a list of things I have done.
  Called social services. They took 6months to call me back once and never followed up.
  Talked to two 3 doctors. One even spoke to my wife and she admitted to hitting me. That doctor just put her pen down and stopped taking notes. Then she told us to not come back
  The other doctor gave her medication that she only takes when she thinks she needs it.
  The Fairfax county police told me my bruises looked bad put did not take photos and let wife walk out of the house with my son. I had not hit her or anything. She just told the that I made her angry and that I provoked her to hit me.
  3 attorneys told me I have a good “chance” of getting my son”. as long as I don’t ask the court to leave Virginia and let her have partial custody

   

• On 7th Dec 2014 at 08:00 PM reta said…

  Thank you for providing an excellent article regarding emotional abuse in the form of withholding affection in all forms. I have been in an estranged relationship in which I finally had to withdraw completely from having contact with the individual. Sometimes we are left without a good choice. The result was being told again and again by family and friends of the harm I was doing to this individual, not a word about the huge price I had paid to be in that relationship. I sincerely tried different approaches, thought I had become stronger and healed from the attacks as I grew older, but the realization is we are seen as contributing to this relationship in specific way they are comfortable with, and when we fail to do so – even if the new one is healthier – we will be pressured back into compliance – throw in others and you are quickly out numbered – you will go back to your old ways. I had to take a long, hard look at what motivated my silence, my withdraw, it was not to punish it was to protect myself from future harm. I had to give myself permission to do this as it was against my own nature to inflict pain – never mind I was receiving a truckload full! Each time I contemplate rekindling contact I go over in my head all the previous attempts, the failed outcomes, and then factor in something which might have changed influencing the other person – there is seldom anything which eases my place, my decision. What I have found is comfort in allowing some contact which is not total absence – a card, a well placed inquire to someone I know who will deliver my seeking information to that one’s well being – but sadly, I have learned over the years through trial and error that keeping a safe distance keeps us both safe as there will never be something in me which can endure the attacks, feel safe, and not have the desire to kick myself for thinking anything has improved. There is truth in that old saying ‘Speech is silver, but Silence is Golden’

   

• On 7th Dec 2014 at 10:28 PM cmom said…

  I am going through this right now. My husband of 2 years has mentally abused me from the beginning, nothing is his fault, it’s all in my head.. when i try to communicate it blows up and once again i’m left shattered and broken feeling like i am the blame.  I want out of this marriage so bad!! i recently found out that he did this to his prior wife, as well as infidelity in that marriage…which i do know that in the beginning he was communicating with other women in our relationship too. claims i drove him to it.  why do people act this way to people they vowed to love.  I was once a happy go lucky bubbly, full of life happy woman.  Now I’m severely depressed, doubting myself and broken!!

   

• On 9th Dec 2014 at 11:16 PM Ronny said…

  Reading this article , was a wake up call and I had already left my husband . I left him because I couldn’t handle him threatening to leave me for tenth time. I was with him for 23 yrs . Did everything I could to please him and His family . I was ignored and treat like garbage by his family . They never tried to get to know or show any love . But demand I show them respect. I was put down by them on everything . When I finally left my husband I was a complete basket case went hosptitpal 3 times and one nurse ask I was emotionally abused , I was so confused. But little by little things were all making sense of why I behaved and why things spiralled down in the last 23 yrs of my life. When I was with my exes I was in treatment centre , therapy. Meds. I was alway under microscope . Blaming myself thinking I was the problem. Before I met my ex I had a dark past. From. Child abuse sexual a abuse etc. my biggest mistake is I thought because my ex came from middle class they didn’t have any problems . But to them I was a problem they had know problem sharing there ugliness towards me . My ex and family are now have brainwashed my to beautiful daughters that I was the problem. Its the worst thing that can ever happen to mother , having your ex husband take your kids away from you emotionally and phyiscally. I hate him for it . I was there for them every day of there life . I was homemaker who slowly fell apart. I reach out to so many people in mental health and even children aid . They believe him over me because of my state of mind. I did everything was asked. He even started hanging out with my family and some of my friends. After I left him. I am no longer speaking to my family or friends not because of angry but feel this deep pain and betrayal. My family knew how loving I was and would do anything for them even a stranger .  I am moving 4 hrs away from were I live to get a fresh start. I hope with time I can be happy again. And love the person I was met to be!

   

• On 13th Dec 2014 at 01:53 AM Annie said…

  I met a gorgeous man who had moved to the UK a couple of years earlier to start a new life after splitting up with his wife and more recently another girl he had been in a 14month relationship and lived with. Not even a month after we met, and I was falling for his charm very quickly by this time, and added to hurt of having had to move away from a previous very abusive relationship, I received a call he had slept with his ex girlfriend whilst I was away working on our first valentines day. She declared also they had split as he had deceived the company out of thousands and she had to tell him to move out as she risked losing her job. I was not sure what was true as he told me his ex was dangerous and would try cause trouble for us and I believed him. Then he informed me he had lost his job and gave a different story. Then he lost his room where he was staying, at his exes friends house and became homeless.And I stepped up to help as he admitted his wrongs and explained he had had previous gambling issues which had worsened due to alleged pressure and demands from his ex wife for money. He hit rock bottom and despite warnings from his brother and ex, I could not walk away and leave him unsupported with only a suitcase. So I set to and got him help to be housed and took him with me on my travels to keep him busy looking for a job. Thankfully he secured a great job and over past 2 1/2yrs has excelled and is now on a much better footing in life. However, he made friends in work and in area he settled, during which time I nursed my sick father through a heart attack, cancer and surgery, and all this time my prince worsened in his manner towards me and gradually started the silent treatment. This became unbearable and if I needed him he was never there, but rather ignored my cries for help, support, or just a chat. He had asked me to move in during our happier times but I had to see my dad at least back on his feet so I explained when he moved to a bigger flat in August this year, I would move in too and we could start a fresh life. However I was anxious that for the past year he had displayed a different manner to me, sometimes passing hurtful and derogatory remarks and although claims that he was joking, I became increasingly worried and increasingly sad. I lost my spark and what many have called ‘my infectious smile and zest for happiness in life’. He started going out more and was spending on lads weekends, such as drinking sessions and spa weekends and stag do’s, yet claimed was tired after work and journey to see me was a bit of a drag! However he had also claimed I’d need a mirror on a stick if I ever left him. When I think I out up with manic episodes of late night calls declaring undying love and total commitment, voicemails in middle of the night singing, calling crying with happiness he won £1500 holiday vouchers in work, to only tell me 6m later he sold them. Obviously I was becoming increasingly worried but continued to spend Friday to Monday at his flat, sometimes cleaning, ironing, and enjoying being a couple as I thought in love. I must have been blind as over the past year whilst I worked and struggled with a sick parent, he increased his party lifestyle and as he did the silence and rejection worsened. In July he took me to view the new flat and asked was I moving in. It was not really what or where I had planned to be with him but being with him meant more, despite the troubles we were going through. We went to Ireland in August and as I had done many times previously I gave him some money to help with costs whilst away. He spent my money mostly on drink for all his friends and one evening even left me out. So enough was enough and I told him he was not treating me well or fair. He got angry went silent and two days later told me we were finished. He then took all the items I had bought whilst getting bits together in the first flat, and moved in to the new place telling me I had no right to ever rock up there apor right to my stuff. I have fought hard since with the silent treatment, then meeting to talk to only be hugged kissed told I’m loved and cared for, to then be ignored over and over for the past 4months. I made the mistake of at times letting it all get the better of me emotionally and came very near to giving up. I have felt my mind has been in turmoil past year, I stopped eating, stopped going out, and felt I was close to leaving my job as I felt worthless to anyone, unimportant, unloved and ugly. I do love him I can’t help it, but the man I met not who he became when he got sorted and on his feet. I didn’t want thanks and he says he is sorry and is now on antidepressants as a result of my outbursts of verbal reactionary texts which I am disgusted with myself for doing, but this man hurt me more than I can say, more so as a result of his silent abuse. I will never trust again or be in another relationship as i feel he has caused permanent damage to my mind. But I have fought back and am getting stronger, mainly due to realising on reading such articles as yours, that I was not a crazy person and I am the kind giving loving girl this man met and used for 3 1/2yrs. However, he now blames me for adding to his worries with my reactionary words, all based on fact, and I’m hurt he could portray me as the abuser and be now seeking medical help, when in fact it was his doing. I’m not perfect, nobody is, but the degree of rejection and silent abuse I’ve had to deal with has been life destroying. I feel a little vindicated that I am not the baddie after all. I echo the last message, to value kindness. Strength … I lost that but I’m working on getting it back and trying to restart living my life. But I still live him. Why after all I can not explain! I hope he gets better and he has made me feel bad claiming I added to his worries, when I helped him in so many ways. He always told me I should not discuss us with anyone else, but I just felt I needed to talk at times and now share this with others, as I think I am making it through now. Not a good time of the year to be still in love with somebody who has rejected you but who knows what the new year will bring.

   

• On 16th Dec 2014 at 05:29 AM Alison said…

  I have been in a very horrific relationship for over 12+ years.  Upon meeting him, he seems charismatic, sociable, a pillar of the community.  Slowly, he placed demands on me, I had to answer his call on the first ring or he would swear at me and be accusatory.  When I moved in with him, I couldn’t go out with my girlfriends.  When he got mad at me, he’d kick me out his house.  He blamed me for everything, played mind games, was secretive, punished me, gave me the silent treatment, never expressed his feeling, vague in answering a question, lies came into play, but by then, I had been so broken down, lost my self esteem and self worth and identity, that I truly believed it was all my fault. As time went on, his abuse got worse.  It was just these past few months, that he gave me the silent treatment, gave me dirty looks and avoided me like the plague.  I felt so unloved, disregarded and in my extreme disparity, planned my escape to leave.  I left a month ago while he was not at home.  I had to do it this way, as if he was home, I would not have the courage.  It’s a difficult recovery, but keeping distance and no contact, I can see clearly I am not to blame.  He feels empowered when he breaks me under his control and manipulation and has no empathy for my feelings or concerns whatsoever.  If there is any king gesture, it was only for a blink of an eye, to show other people he’s a nice guy or for a minute, he felt bad, but still was not going to change.

   

• On 13th Jan 2015 at 02:45 PM Karen Clarke said…

  I am in my fourth month of the silent treatment from my husband, it is hell and makes you feel worthless..I have asked him what I have done wrong he says nothing…it’s a terrible form of mental abuse and at 59 years old I have now started taking antidepressants…I wonder how much a person can hate another person to do this after 24 years of marriage where I have done nothing but good for him…I need to get out of here but because I am not physically abused it’s hard to get anyone to take me serious and help re-house me.

   

• On 20th Jan 2015 at 02:24 PM LosectinWinders said…

  My mother used to do it to me regularly – it was damaging and hurt dreadfully – and I did do my best to appease her as you described in your writing- but grew up in my teens as a rebellious teenager. As a result my mum and I had a very difficult relationship most of the time she was alive – only making up towards the end. The down side is it opened me up to other abusive relationships.

   

• On 25th Jan 2015 at 12:49 PM Roy said…

  Pretty informative post! The selected topic is an excellent one for consideration and really different concept. Thanks much

   

• On 25th Jan 2015 at 10:10 PM bella said…

  I was devastated when I discovered that this was happening to me. I never knew these men existed.i have been with my partner for 120 rs and I found out it wasn’t me it was him and I wasn’t going mad it was all true what had been happening but I couldn’t ever mention it to anyone as my credibility had been destroyed along with my East for life and my personality do a degree. I cried at my naivety for being stupid but How could I have known.I had never imagined that the man I slept with at night was making call to bad mouth myself and my kids affecting my job and having me rushing to and from school . I never once thought he would be stealing my stuff and documents and money then saying I was forgetful and must have alzheimers.  He isolated me restricted my movements all by deceitful tactics.he could say morning to neighbours then spit as he walked by me. One time he called me a their and liar 47 times in ten minutes of a dressing down.  He would kick toilet door in when I was on the loo and laugh as he looked at me. Then he’d say derogatory things about woman and then assess my looks . I’ve been abandoned in various countries including new Zealand and I’ve been locked out regularly in hurricanes and rain you name it. I’ve had my car tampered with brakes cut and yet he gets away with it because I have no proof and he has wore me down so much with the stone walling name calling etc.ive made one discovery though and that is human beings can sleep standing up.he locks me out of our room. I SHOWED HIM ONLY LOVE AND KINDNESS and am being re payed with this..I wish we could educate young people about these monsters as they are completely predatory and cruel. With the advantage of being able to outsmart almost everyone.education would be a start I think and a fund for helping victims borrow or rent equipment to gather evidence so that they can be stopped before the victim dies by suicide which should be called murder in these circumstances.  I carry on and at least I know now and hopefully I can get some evidence to be able to prove my credibility and evidence of what he has and is doing.  I wish everyone all the best and hope that everyone can get out and move on but I know that stockholme syndrome is a strong bond and the jumping at tiny creaks is not easy to get over but I hope we can.

• On 27th Jan 2015 at 11:54 PM Kalema said…

  My husband of 6 years has been giving me the silent treatment since our first year. I honestly didn’t understand it. We married in May 2009 & by July he had given me my first dose of silence. It lasted for about a month…now that’s just the beginning. We’ve been on silence for a total of 7 months at the longest time.
  My husband would walk in the house & not speak to me. He would walk right past me. He would simply ignore me. Make me feel invisible. I’d always be the first to apologize or shall I say concede.
  I would cry, i began cutting myself, I’d take pills just so I’d sleep the days away so I wouldn’t think about it, or make the days go faster so that I’d be able to go to work to escape how he was treating me. I do still do these things.
  I’ve been in tears & counseling telling him how much the silence is killing me but he continues to do so. He makes me feel like I’m crazy & I need help, but inside I feel he’s the reason why.
  This husband of mines has a great job, great insurance,& gets paid well & I’ve begged him to put me on his insurance since we first got married. That hasn’t happened & I’ve been without insurance since we got married. He’s ok with me going to free clinics & having issues down below, he won’t help me. I have to borrow $$$ from him & we have been sleeping in separate rooms since day one, he won’t sleep in the same room with me. WHY DID HE WANNA MARRY ME?!!  That’s how we can go days, weeks not seeing each other & being in the same house.
  I just don know what to do anymore. I’m weary from dealing eith this. I’m just tired & can’t take it anymore. I’ve taken 6 pills, two different kinds & went to my Mothers house to go to sleep, but unfortunately I woke up. That was November 2014. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.
  Nobody knows I’m going through anything because I put up a great front & I laugh & make jokes a lot. I come off happy & strong by outsider, but inside I’m dying. I can’t tell anybody how bad I’m hurting. I don’t like going anywhere anymore, I stay inside & sleep so he won’t think I’m out doing something. I just don’t know what todo anymore. I’m going through a silence right now with him, it’s going on 3 weeks. PLEASE HELP ME BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW HOW TO GET THROUGH THIS W/OUT HARMING MYSELF.  It’s just driving me insane & I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.
  Any advice would help me.
  ~please DO NOT post the email, it’s just one that someone is allowing me to use for this post & responses, she’s like my counselor~

   

• On 30th Jan 2015 at 09:29 PM Erin said…

  This really hits home for me as well. I am 24 years old and I have been “dating” a 45 yo guy for several months. He is so charming, sweet, very rich, funny, yada yada…. anyway, he is obsessed with teasing me and making me jealous. He even told me he loves teasing me and making me bothered and I’m pretty sure it has everything to do with the fact that he’s a narcissist. He is CONSTANTLY flirting with other young girls and does it RIGHT in my face! I know he does this to piss me off. He will always tell me he is only talking to me, that he loves me, that he isn’t having sex with any other girl.

  Sometimes I feel as if he is cheating on me because he knows all of these girls at the restaurants he goes to and he tells me he will be right back so he can go to the “bathroom”. He does this several times during our meal and his “bathroom” breaks are only a minute or two long.

  Anyway, whenever I challenge him, he will tell me I am being punished until a certain day and won’t talk to me. He knows how upset I am to not be able to talk to him and how much it frustrates me. He adores being in control and makes me do things for him. When we used to Skype, he would make me do things to myself via camera that I feel uncomfortable doing. Now I realize that he is doing this to get control of me. Every time I meet up with him, I have to give him oral sex (i like doing this for him because we end up having sex but it gets irritating). Sometimes I feel like I’m his personal sex slave because there has not been one instance we’ve been together that we haven’t done anything sexual.

  He is a single father, and I’ve never actually asked him where the ex wife or mother is because she is completely out of the picture. I’m not sure what happened there but I’m afraid to ask. He always told me that he has never forgiven his parents for what they did to him; he told me how much they hurt him and that he let his dad die and his mother is wasting away in a nursing home. I mentioned to him that forgiveness will free him of his chains but that was a complete mistake- he told me how “awesome” his life was. I know better though, I know the hurt is still there.

  I’m so tired of crying over him, but I love him so much so I can’t just give up. I want him to see me as the kind, sweet, caring person I am who will do anything for him but I know now due to his past he won’t ever be empathetic towards me.

   

• On 1st Feb 2015 at 10:57 PM Suefor said…

  I’m in week three of my best friend ignoring me. We were very close and talked every day but after his mums birthday party he hasn’t spoke to me. I’m at the stage where I am blaming myself. Did I say or do something wrong. I’ve text him saying how I feel but still the silent treatment. I hate myself for caring. He said I was his best friend and he loved me but how can he when he is treating me so cruelly.
  I always thought he was so special and kind. It’s driving me crazy. If he doesn’t want to talk to me why doesn’t he just say he doesn’t want to be friends, it would hurt yes but I would get over it. It’s the not knowing and the blaming myself that’s the worst feeling in the world. Why do people who say they love you turn out to be so cruel.

   

• On 3rd Feb 2015 at 05:42 PM D said…

  You don’t know how happy I am to have found this page!! Iv been with this guy for around 9 months now and he uses the the silent treatment often, and either for no reason at all or if their is a reason it is absolutely a pathetic excuse to not talk to me at all in my own house for two days at a time. I have been very confused recently because when he is nice he is very nice, splashes money on me, takes me out, tells me how much he loves me but then I get this constant silent treatment at any given time!! I told him I wanted to split up because of his mentally challenging silent treatments but he refused to go and broke down crying saying he loves me and he’s never done what he’s done for me for any others itl nla nla Bla all forms of black mail! He also says its me and not him, he blames me bipolar and says all relationships have their ups and downs but I approuch them wrongly by wanting to split up and that I should work through things! Well this got me questioning myself, am I to blame? Is it normal to be ignored for days at a time for nothing? What am I doing wrong?  I even stopped seeing my friends because he says their all no goodi r me! Then I come across this and wow what an eye opener!! I have made my mind up, I am 100% leaving him! I have a plan in action so that when I do it, theirs no chance of him setting foot in my house! He’s even started to ignore my two year old daughter when he does this!! Now that is over stepping the line!! The sooner he’s gone, the better and I can’t wait. I now know it’s not me with the problem, it’s him!!

   

• On 15th Mar 2015 at 06:10 AM anna said…

  My car had a flat battery after my shift one night and I called my husband. Its a 3 minute drive to jump start me from home to work. He was ropeable… I became silent as I felt I put him out that night so I just stayed in another area of the home. The time is passing by and he isn’t talking and I’m guessing he won’t replace the battery for me to continue with my employment… He won’t talk. I didn’t yell about car but he is giving me this treatment and not speaking. I’m sick of feeling like I am alone

   

• On 18th Mar 2015 at 03:34 AM RayT said…

  The message below reveals exactly the state of mind a person can enter when being given the silent treatment.  I sent to someone I cared about. I was desperate to talk to her, to have her say something.

  -RayT
  ——

  Life is so full of ironies.  For example, sometimes people destroy the things they care about the most.  It is not their intention, but through their actions, often influenced by emotion they make mistakes.

  The things that concerned me about you were all legitimate.  Our interaction gave pause and made me worry.  It was within your ability to alleviate those concerns, but I don’t believe you understood that.

  Although I was the one who wrote about parting ways, there was always a side of me which hoped my feelings for you were not wrong.  That hope is what kept me writing you messages even though you never replied.  Each day I would think, this is *D*, the nicest girl I have ever met, she has a big heart, and she will reply – but instead all I got was silence.

  The silent treatment is more effective than I could ever have realized – especially on me because I have such a big heart.  My feelings of concern, became feelings of guilt.  Did I hurt you so much that you felt never to talk to me again?  And if you hurt that much, wouldn’t that mean you cared? Thinking this only made me feel worse – thus the endless messages.

  At this point all I am seeking is a simple talk.  I can accept that things didn’t work out, but I hate the feeling that I have wronged you or hurt you.  My feeling of guilt is what is killing me.  But what about you *D*?  Are you so final in your judgement of me, that it is beyond your capacity to forgive?  If at some point, there are no more messages from me, will it make you feel good that you inflicted sadness and hurt on me?  I cannot believe this you, not my *D*,

  I still have hope in you.
  that you will find it in your heart,
  to see through everything to what is true.

  ——-

  Not something I would easily put out in a public forum, but perhaps it will help others.  It really shows how desperate I had become.  I didn’t even care about the relationship anymore, I just needed to rid myself of the guilt that I wronged her.  I am a person with a huge heart, and that guilt weighed on me terribly. Made me write her many messages, poems, anything to get her just to talk.

  She is an expert (therapist), so part of me feels she knew exactly what she was doing.  Maybe she thrived on such abuse, got a high from it, perhaps I was not the first person she did this to.  What I do know is once that ‘switch’ was triggered, she sought to inflict maximum damage.

  In my life experiences, she was the most dangerous person I ever met.  If you know of such a person, trust me – just walk away.

   

• On 20th Mar 2015 at 10:21 AM Lex said…

  I am currently 8 months pregnant and expirence this to a T daily.. Everyone thinks my husbands wonderful.. He’s smart, has a good job, good provider but he tells me “he isn’t in love with me” “wish he never met me” ” I was the worst thing he ever did” and I’ll beg him to talk to me and he won’t he will just say things like this why I try to understand what I did wrong.. By the next day he will bring me flowers and make some of my favorite meals we will have a good night and a day later it will start all over.. I have become extremely depressed, I used to love work now going is exhausting cause I have nothing left in me to give, I live an hour away from family.. I never visit anymore, I’m just not happy it’s a struggle to get up.. I was 19, 110lbs, very social.. Just got my massage therapy license and first job in this career when I met my husband he’s ten years older, handsome and I thought I was on top of the world when we met.. He proposed 3 months into us dating I said yes.. I’m 21 now and feel trapped, low self esteem and depressed because now we have a beautiful little girl we are getting ready to welcome and I’m all she has.. He’s threatened to leave me almost on a weekly basis since I got pregnant.. It’s just if your husband can make you feel this vulnerable I feel as if anyone can hurt you.. My mother was extremely abusive she was a drug addict and this form of abuse is the worst Ive ever endured.. My life is almost completely in control of this monster..

   

• On 8th Sep 2015 at 03:25 PM lori said…

  i went through alot of that for years.still is scary how many times i think about it and the fact that i still have to deal with my abuser.at first when i met him he was nice and sympathetic and caring and acted like a gentleman.than after i found out i was pregnant (i told him the night we were going to watch a movie in my back yard,he even said to me that night when i wanted to wait till the movie was done but told him beforhand that i had something to tell him after the movie,he kept bugging me to just tell him and that he wanted to know and that he didnt lie and that no one ever believes him even his other ex who put up w his sht for years.wonder why no one believed him.he freaked out when i told him saying how could i do this to him,what was he going to tell his parents,im going to get rid of it?right?right?right?i was in tears and couldnt believe he said those things,he was 25 i was 33.)he berated me for weeks on end to get rid of the baby and how i was ruining his life and that i needed to get rid of it.i remember the day he finally stopped was when we were playing a game of menopoly at his parents new house before they moved all of their things in and he started in on it again.how i had to,and there wasnt much time,and that if i loved him i would get rid of her.so much abuse from him at that time i started crying and said i wanted to go home and he held me down and wouldnt let me go home and said fine fine he would think of a way to tell his parents and everything would be ok.that was just the begining of it all…it got worse over the years.there was also the time i was 5 mo pregnant and he was going to see his ex (who wouldnt be upset,i dont care if they are friends but invite your woman for godsakes.not disclude her at every point unless you have something to hide,wich he did..alot.)i told him that day it was rediculious that he always treated me the way he did and that he didnt love me (he even hid me from his parents till i told him i was keeping the baby.) and that i wanted to go home,he held me down laying over me and pinning me down,hurting me and the baby and said i couldnt go home till i heard what he had to say.his bull was that he was going to take me up there after i had the baby and that he did love me.(all lies,he never did.he had her come down here once and wondered why i got mad when he looked up her dress and lied to her about it and of course i was the bad person for being angry that my then fiance was not only having his ex stay here w him but that he was looking up her dress and telling me she is just a friend.) he would write girls and meet up with them and some for sex,and some just to see if he could get them like he got me and i found his pages online and would confront him (i even emailed him on two different occasions to see what he would say…smh..horrible things..the first time it was lets meet up and play pool and see where it goes from there.the second he was saying how he wanted such a great relationship that would work w the email persona and that how me his ex would try and ruin it and that i was nuts and a million nasty things.all while we were together..smh.he then would lie about it afterwords and on the other one it was i didnt mean it..smh.) he would say he was only meeting them as friends..we would argue and he would say he wouldnt do it again but did.alot.he even convinced two girls to stalk and harrass me and later said when we were together again (yes i feel like an idiot to be tricked so many times into believing him and going back,but i really believed everything he said.) that he had the girl write things online to make me jelious because he still loved me.he convinced me that he wanted to be with me,that he loved me and wouldnt put me and my kids through the hell he had already put us through…but that we had to have a relationship where we would be with other people with each other’s knowledge only and in the same room..i believed everything he said and when we fought it was about his promises…at that time i was catching on that everything he was saying was a lie.he said we would be a family and that we were going to get married and get a house.but it kept dragging on and on and his sudden dissapearences were all to blatent and finding a used condom in a bag in his car didnt help either..oh the lie of a story i got from that one!!that was a cashier must of given his ciggs in the back with that..smh..i would ask him to tell me the truth and if he cheated to just stop.(at that time i knew he was.his gps on his phone said about the trips to certain motels,houses in certain area’s and the phone numbers of girls he was calling on his call log on our shared plan,not to mention more online dating websites that were new of his.) i would have him constantly telling me why dont i ever listen to him and believe him and then he would hit me and it was either that was my fault or he didnt mean to hit me he meant to hit near me or he was just playing…none of those are what you do to a person especially in an argument unless you meant it.he would also give me the silent treatment alot or just not answer the phone or not meet me when he said he would.it made me so upset i didnt know what to do anymore and yes the texts back and forth and the blatent disrespect and abuse everytime he would make me cry.i would get why are you crying now jesus christ!!! i would say because you are making me misrable.you dont care how i feel,you dont even listen,you dont care how you treat me at all…at that time yes i had given up.i was a mess.the abuse had taken it’s toll…he would just roll over and say whatever,just shut up so i can go to work in the morning.dont talk about it,just ignore what you are doing to someone.i even kept saying we need counsiling and he would say no i do im nuts.always the same thing.that is all he ever did over and over and over again.it’s everyone else but him..the worst part twards that end was when he hit me right infront of the kids and my niece and her husband and her kids in the mouth,and his big excuse was i didnt hit you (my mouth was bleeding) i was just trying to shut you up.he had hit me many times and always verbally abused me but had never hit me infront of them till that point.i had tried 2 weeks later to still make it work when he said lets go out for a night together.i went (worst mistake) and it was horrible.he was as unloving and uncaring as usual and it had been a horrible night.so i told him and then it was it is always my fault,to affectionate,want to talk,wont shut up…ect ect..we argued all the way to his car because he was hiding that we were still together from the girl he was seeing behind my back and hiding it from his parents because that is what he always did.(but my mom knew i was with him and where we were.plus he always liked to make up stories about me to others and to his parents that weren’t true.i loved one of them was i was on drugs.that one was funny.i was on blood thinners for my pregnancy and had to remain on them for a few weeks and had the syringe in the diaper bag.the only one that was ever taking drugs was him,spice,pot,acid,and misculaious drugs,he was even selling his pain killers to his coworkers from when he went to the dentist.he knew i didnt like them because of another ex of mine in the past.so it was she is crazy she is on drugs and show texts of me mad as heck for being lied to and forgotten again and would say oh no he wasnt seeing me this night ect it was im nuts..smh..you get the picture.) i once said to him you didnt act this way when i met you and he said to me i only acted that way to get you and now that i have you i can be the real me…i said i liked the other one better..the real him still scares the sht out of me!!! now that we aren’t together and haven’t been for sometime i will say it has been a long hard process to try to get back to myself and to try and stand up for me and to try and intagrate myself into the real world again.it is made harder by the fact that yes i still have to deal with him,and yes he has done the having his friends and gf’s,ect stalk me,intimidate me,and harrass me,and trying to do the same mind sht to our daughter..(talked to councelers about it and they still aren’t helping her enough 🙁 but i have done what they say on don’t let him bait me w messages ect,ignore it when he becomes abusive and trys his monipulation.i will write him k or very few words because i wont be sucked in.).but i won’t let it break me ever again.i will continue to keep trying to stand up for me n mine and not give into it and make me weak and powerless like he did before.

   

• On 21st Feb 2016 at 02:44 PM Chastity Gray said…

  3 weeks ago a friend and I got into an argument over the phone. He told me that after he finished speaking, there is a pause from me which he finds annoying ( I am shy and was thinking of what to say next).  Frustrated with my self, I said ” I don’t know why I do this sh**.  I told him I wasn’t angry at him but frustrated with my shyness while I talk on the phone. He kept on asking me if I was really angry at him and I told him no. Then we started talking like normal, but at the end of the conversation, he told me that he was upset and couldn’t let what I said go, and that during our conversation he felt like shouting at me. He has anger issues and became hostile with me saying things like fu** it over and over, despite me telling him to calm down, and that I was sorry for my choice of words. He even said that if I were to kill myself, it would be my fault and that if I told him “I don’t know why I do this sh** again, he will tell me to fu** off and not talk to me again.  When I became upset over how he was acting toward me, he said that he felt no pity and that I should act like a fu****g adult. He made sniffling, crying noises over the phone in a mocking way. Then he said he wants me to think about what I said and don’t contact him, and maybe one day I can say something nice to him, or not. Now silence. This is not the first time he has gotten upset with me and then used silence. Just a few months ago he did this and again it was over something trivial. I know I could have used a better choice of words, but the way he reacted was extreme. I do find that I have to be alert when talking to him, I even have to speak in a certain way (softly), and he is a volatile person and has been through many relationships. He argues a lot with his current girlfriend and has threatened to smash his neighbor’s face. He doesn’t have many friends as many of them bailed out. I tried to be there for him because he also has dealt with anxiety and when he needed advice, I would give it. Should I give up on him as well? We are both 36 years old by the way

   

• On 18th Mar 2016 at 06:45 PM d said…

  The silence is worse. I would rather have my arm broken again than the silence. I went from one relationship to another both I saw,the signs,yet closed my eyes to what I knew inside. At first always so good then the hurting begins. This is now the fifth silence treatment. I have done some of the bad texting trying to get a response but nothing. Why does it tear me up so much. Wasn’t the part relationship enough fir me 14yeara of ut. Then to start to rebuild only to end up in another unhealthy relationship. I know I am to blame as well. A product of my bad choices. I know right from wrong yet I still let myself fall back into the negative patterns. Luckily not as much or long stuck in this shit mode. Now to stay strong and not bow down when the S.o.b. Calls. Not as much invested in this one if I stay strong and turn away I will be fine. If I don’t. Not thinking that way. Walking forward..the

   

• On 4th Apr 2016 at 07:24 AM Jayne Bollman said…

  Fortunately my daughter ened a relationship with this kind of abuser after only 7 months. But the effects have been devastating to her and it is taking time for her to heal.