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Silent abuse – The mind game by Teresa Cooper

21st Nov 2013 | in

We have all suffered many forms of abuse but the least talked about is “The mind game” otherwise known as the silent treatment; ie deliberately ignored to cause harm to another persons mental well being, sent to Coventry, deliberate sabotage to a persons life or/and credibility and is one of the most harmful methods of abuse used by abusers who feel that

“If they do not use their hands to physically abuse then it isn’t abuse.”

Wrong

It is abuse to ignore someones needs emotionally and make them feel worthless, depressed and will cause long term damage so much so that in many cases it can lead to the victims physical health being harmed.

To deliberately cause harm to someone by use of the silent treatment, deny a person any emotional care, deny them any praise, starve them of love, affection, compliments, positive feed back, to regularly reject, degrade and deny a person any emotional responsiveness and to ignore a persons needs is mental abuse or also known as psychological abuse. It is repetitive abuse that’s aimed at controlling, diminishing another persons well being in order to hurt, punish, harm or control them.

The silent abuser is able to switch himself off emotionally to the pain and suffering he is causing his victim and will deny he is the problem and he may tell himself or others that he is the victim.

You stop being a victim when you become the abuser

The abuser is capable of closing down all reasonable sense of emotions and turn into a cold heart very fast as he withdraws into his own world without any care for his victims distress . The abuser will behave in society charming, calm, happy, he will be seen by others as a pillar of society, gentle natured, helpful, kind, caring and fool the outside world into thinking he is abused and his partner is the abuser. This is classic of a mental abuser. They will have their partner labelled a mental case whilst he plays the victim and saint and makes her the subject of of every ones rejection by labelling her with an unbalanced mind.

The true victim will be further rejected not only by her abuser but also by his friends, work colleagues, family and others he is likely to meet. The abuser needs to feel in control and he will seek constant approval from those around him and convince them that he’s the true victim. They will offer him advice and he will feed off their pity which will make him feel even more in control as he plays the victim.

The true victims may withdraw from all social activities, work, stop seeing family, they stop being fun, will see everything in a negative light, stop eating which is the start of dangerous health issues, cry alone, send text terror messages as a means to fight back which only gives the abuser more ammunition to abuse her with as he will use that as a further excuse to ignore and make her look bad in front of others. The abuser will happily share the text messages because he wants everyone to see him as the victim. The true victim will stop functioning on all levels as the mind games take over her life. She will find it hard to think of anything else but what is happening to her. The victim will fight with her own mind and struggle to work out if she is being abused or is she truly the problem. The victim may start behaving irrationally from the stress caused by the mental abuse.

Mental abuse is not normally seen by anyone on the outside looking in because they see the abuser as a strong, calm, caring and sincere person and will not be able to see the true character behind the person in front of them that they think they know so well.

Do you really know the person standing next to you?

Out of all the abuse I suffered (I am female), the one part of the abuse I have always struggled with is “being ignored” and made to feel I was in some way, the problem. When I begged for the abuser to stop he didn’t listen and when I sought help, no one listened. The more I was ignored the more it built up an extreme and unlikely intolerance for being “ignored” which has stayed with me as an adult. I left care with that intolerance to the ugly side of human nature that often sees many people misuse the silent treatment to harm others. Some justify this behaviour and kid themselves that it’s in some way an honourable stance to take. Ignoring someone briefly when done to express dissatisfaction is very different to the silent treatment. To ignore someone as a regular means to punish, hurt or upset someone as payback or for whatever reason, is in my opinion and the opinions of experts to be considered, one of the worst forms of mental abuse that exists in human nature. It causes irreparable damage to a person’s mind and will see the victims behaviour change slowly but noticeably when its out of control, especially by others who are close and on the outside looking in. There are times the abuse continues and the victims show now outward signs to those who are close while the mental abuser witnesses the dramatic and extreme behaviour change in a direct response to his/her mental abuse in the “silent treatment”.

The silent treatment is a form of punishment and control and the person using it to harm another, feels a lack of care, responsibility or remorse and can not or will not communicate as she/he watches the victim slowly deteriorate. Someone who was once a lively, happy and fun person to be around turns into a whole new personality and becomes withdrawn, reclusive or maybe verbally aggressive to the abuser in a vain bid to stop the abuse of the mind. The person dishing out the “silent treatment is FULLY aware of the damage they are doing and they are FULLY aware that all they need to do to stop the abuse is to simply talk to the victim. The abuser will not talk to the victim when in control mode and when he does he will constantly lead the victim into a false sense of security at leisure, only to ignore again.  The abuser will provoke any situation with silence which inevitably triggers off the victim who can never work out what has happened to warrant more silent treatment. Each time the victim finds himself/herself fighting desperately with the abuser in a vain bid to stop her/him giving the silent treatment all over again. Its a catch 22 for most when dealing with a narcissistic personality.

The victims behaviour can change so dramatically he/she is hardly recognized as being the same person. Every time the silent treatment begins the victim is pulled further and further down and the abuser sits back and carries on with daily chores, blatantly ignoring the victim whom is obviously so distressed that no normal thinking individual person could or would sit back and watch such a shocking display of suffering. The victim may withdraw completely, stop talking i.e. friends, stop socializing, stop eating, start drinking, stop working, start text terrorism against the abuser as a defence mechanism of protection but it never works, suicidal thoughts, self-harm and that’s just a few of the side effects of a victim suffering from mental abuse.

The “silent treatment” otherwise named as “deliberate intent to ignore” or “ATCH” which means ‘absent to cause harm’ which is where an abuser completely cuts the victim off and the abuser will not budge. They often acknowledge in their own minds that the victim is suffering but do nothing about it, walk away and simply ignore it.

The latter is a very dangerous form of mental abuse.

I have often heard stories of men ignoring their partner, even after causing such distress that she has taken to self-harm or attempts to take her own life. The mental abuse has weakened her once strong mind into a nerve wrecking display of self doubt and depression. The abuser will hear her calls of desperation and he will empty himself of all emotions and walk away. He will show no emotions as she tries to take her own life. He will convince himself that she deserves it for hurting his feelings by trying to fight back.

Its not often friends get to witness the mental abuse of the systematic silent treatment or mind games from a partner because it is silent. In some cases friends will witness erratic behaviour of the victim but cant quite understand what’s going on because the victim will blame everything but her abusive partner. It is rare anyone on the outside of the relationship sees the suffering of the victim as the abuse often like most forms of abuse stays “within the immediate relationship”. The male abusers friends will only see their charming friend who they all love because he will do anything for them but seldom do his friends or family witness what he is doing to his partner. They will only see the abusers partners displays of distress especially when triggered in a public place or social gathering.

The “silent treatment, ignoring or ATCH” abuser is fully aware of their actions and fully aware they are causing a significant amount of harm to the victim in most cases but there are those who do believe they are the victim. The victim may at times have the odd outburst in front of others or in a public place. The abuser will then inform his family of every little thing his victim/partner does as he seeks refuge in their company and portrays himself as the victim in need of support, because he has a totally “maniac” partner whose lost the plot. He is then seen as the wonderful soul who is good enough to tolerate such a manic person in a relationship.

This form of mental abuse is used more often by the man than a woman but men do suffer this same form of abuse and they too remain silent because they do not want to be seen as imasculine. 

Eventually once the victim has been totally broken down by the mental abuser, she will give up fighting back, beg for forgiveness and beg the abusive partner to forgive her. She may well go to the extremes to try and make it up to her man because she has been slowly drawn in and is now under his mind control. The man will continue to use this method of mind control and ignore, use the silent treatment or ATCH tactics until his partner has been totally exhausted, feels totally helpless and it opens her up to being controlled just so he can get what he wants. Sadly this form of abuse has seen the deaths of women who self-harmed or taken their lives when their cries for help are ignored by the abuser. It can be a consequence of the action.

Self-harm - deliberate cutting or mutilation of one’s own body including ripping hair out, stop eating, stop going out, withdraw from society, cut off hair, stay in bed, over eat or attempt suicide.

The reason I am touching on this subject is because I have seen a number of women email me on facebook who are going through this right now with their Turkish partners or they have just left such an abusive relationship and sit in silence blaming themselves. I also want to touch on this subject because I am a survivor of child abuse and I myself have gone through the mental abuse process and contrary to what people believe, it is not easy to leave such a controlling relationship.

Men who have been abused as children physically, sexually or mentally and/or suffered abuse by a parent due to the damaging effects of poverty are well known for using the “silent treatment, ignoring and ATCH” methods to punish and control their partners. These men will convince themselves they are not abusing because they haven’t physically hit the woman and he will convince her he’s very good to her by not saying anything. He will almost always convince himself he’s the victim and show no remorse at all for the suffering he is causing by punishing and controlling someone he claims to love. These men are often found unwilling to contribute to the relationship they are in and show little or no care or respect for their partner . He expects her to hold the entire relationship together all by herself whilst he laps up the comfort of control and does nothing to contribute or support the relationship. He will not show emotions when challenged or he may eventually turn to violence when confronted.

Ignoring a partner may also be a sign of infidelity or a man who is not in control of his own emotions and shuts down. Regardless of the circumstances, mental abuse and the negative power of the “silent treatment, being deliberately ignored or the ATCH” abuse is never the less very damaging for those on the receiving end and needs to be address by either the abuser entering therapy or for the victim to leave the situation.  If the man recognizes he’s an abuser lhe can seek help from a professional help. The victim must seek professional help to get out of such an abusive relationship before she is so worn down it will diminish her life slowly but surely.

When does the silent abuse turn into physical abuse?

UPDATE

This article also relates to men who also suffer this form of abuse by their partners.

Related story

Oh how I tried, Oh how I cried until the day he broke me. Life with a sociopathic love rat

Comments

  • On 27th Jan 2015 at 11:54 PM Kalema said...

    My husband of 6 years has been giving me the silent treatment since our first year. I honestly didn’t understand it. We married in May 2009 & by July he had given me my first dose of silence. It lasted for about a month…now that’s just the beginning. We’ve been on silence for a total of 7 months at the longest time.
    My husband would walk in the house & not speak to me. He would walk right past me. He would simply ignore me. Make me feel invisible. I’d always be the first to apologize or shall I say concede.
    I would cry, i began cutting myself, I’d take pills just so I’d sleep the days away so I wouldn’t think about it, or make the days go faster so that I’d be able to go to work to escape how he was treating me. I do still do these things. 
    I’ve been in tears & counseling telling him how much the silence is killing me but he continues to do so. He makes me feel like I’m crazy & I need help, but inside I feel he’s the reason why.
    This husband of mines has a great job, great insurance,& gets paid well & I’ve begged him to put me on his insurance since we first got married. That hasn’t happened & I’ve been without insurance since we got married. He’s ok with me going to free clinics & having issues down below, he won’t help me. I have to borrow $$$ from him & we have been sleeping in separate rooms since day one, he won’t sleep in the same room with me. WHY DID HE WANNA MARRY ME?!!  That’s how we can go days, weeks not seeing each other & being in the same house. 
    I just don know what to do anymore. I’m weary from dealing eith this. I’m just tired & can’t take it anymore. I’ve taken 6 pills, two different kinds & went to my Mothers house to go to sleep, but unfortunately I woke up. That was November 2014. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.
    Nobody knows I’m going through anything because I put up a great front & I laugh & make jokes a lot. I come off happy & strong by outsider, but inside I’m dying. I can’t tell anybody how bad I’m hurting. I don’t like going anywhere anymore, I stay inside & sleep so he won’t think I’m out doing something. I just don’t know what todo anymore. I’m going through a silence right now with him, it’s going on 3 weeks. PLEASE HELP ME BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW HOW TO GET THROUGH THIS W/OUT HARMING MYSELF.  It’s just driving me insane & I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.
    Any advice would help me.
    ~please DO NOT post the email, it’s just one that someone is allowing me to use for this post & responses, she’s like my counselor~

  • On 30th Jan 2015 at 09:29 PM Erin said...

    This really hits home for me as well. I am 24 years old and I have been “dating” a 45 yo guy for several months. He is so charming, sweet, very rich, funny, yada yada…. anyway, he is obsessed with teasing me and making me jealous. He even told me he loves teasing me and making me bothered and I’m pretty sure it has everything to do with the fact that he’s a narcissist. He is CONSTANTLY flirting with other young girls and does it RIGHT in my face! I know he does this to piss me off. He will always tell me he is only talking to me, that he loves me, that he isn’t having sex with any other girl.

    Sometimes I feel as if he is cheating on me because he knows all of these girls at the restaurants he goes to and he tells me he will be right back so he can go to the “bathroom”. He does this several times during our meal and his “bathroom” breaks are only a minute or two long.

    Anyway, whenever I challenge him, he will tell me I am being punished until a certain day and won’t talk to me. He knows how upset I am to not be able to talk to him and how much it frustrates me. He adores being in control and makes me do things for him. When we used to Skype, he would make me do things to myself via camera that I feel uncomfortable doing. Now I realize that he is doing this to get control of me. Every time I meet up with him, I have to give him oral sex (i like doing this for him because we end up having sex but it gets irritating). Sometimes I feel like I’m his personal sex slave because there has not been one instance we’ve been together that we haven’t done anything sexual.

    He is a single father, and I’ve never actually asked him where the ex wife or mother is because she is completely out of the picture. I’m not sure what happened there but I’m afraid to ask. He always told me that he has never forgiven his parents for what they did to him; he told me how much they hurt him and that he let his dad die and his mother is wasting away in a nursing home. I mentioned to him that forgiveness will free him of his chains but that was a complete mistake- he told me how “awesome” his life was. I know better though, I know the hurt is still there.

    I’m so tired of crying over him, but I love him so much so I can’t just give up. I want him to see me as the kind, sweet, caring person I am who will do anything for him but I know now due to his past he won’t ever be empathetic towards me.

  • On 1st Feb 2015 at 10:57 PM Suefor said...

    I’m in week three of my best friend ignoring me. We were very close and talked every day but after his mums birthday party he hasn’t spoke to me. I’m at the stage where I am blaming myself. Did I say or do something wrong. I’ve text him saying how I feel but still the silent treatment. I hate myself for caring. He said I was his best friend and he loved me but how can he when he is treating me so cruelly.
    I always thought he was so special and kind. It’s driving me crazy. If he doesn’t want to talk to me why doesn’t he just say he doesn’t want to be friends, it would hurt yes but I would get over it. It’s the not knowing and the blaming myself that’s the worst feeling in the world. Why do people who say they love you turn out to be so cruel.

  • On 3rd Feb 2015 at 05:42 PM D said...

    You don’t know how happy I am to have found this page!! Iv been with this guy for around 9 months now and he uses the the silent treatment often, and either for no reason at all or if their is a reason it is absolutely a pathetic excuse to not talk to me at all in my own house for two days at a time. I have been very confused recently because when he is nice he is very nice, splashes money on me, takes me out, tells me how much he loves me but then I get this constant silent treatment at any given time!! I told him I wanted to split up because of his mentally challenging silent treatments but he refused to go and broke down crying saying he loves me and he’s never done what he’s done for me for any others itl nla nla Bla all forms of black mail! He also says its me and not him, he blames me bipolar and says all relationships have their ups and downs but I approuch them wrongly by wanting to split up and that I should work through things! Well this got me questioning myself, am I to blame? Is it normal to be ignored for days at a time for nothing? What am I doing wrong?  I even stopped seeing my friends because he says their all no goodi r me! Then I come across this and wow what an eye opener!! I have made my mind up, I am 100% leaving him! I have a plan in action so that when I do it, theirs no chance of him setting foot in my house! He’s even started to ignore my two year old daughter when he does this!! Now that is over stepping the line!! The sooner he’s gone, the better and I can’t wait. I now know it’s not me with the problem, it’s him!!

  • On 15th Mar 2015 at 06:10 AM anna said...

    My car had a flat battery after my shift one night and I called my husband. Its a 3 minute drive to jump start me from home to work. He was ropeable… I became silent as I felt I put him out that night so I just stayed in another area of the home. The time is passing by and he isn’t talking and I’m guessing he won’t replace the battery for me to continue with my employment… He won’t talk. I didn’t yell about car but he is giving me this treatment and not speaking. I’m sick of feeling like I am alone

  • On 18th Mar 2015 at 03:34 AM RayT said...

    The message below reveals exactly the state of mind a person can enter when being given the silent treatment.  I sent to someone I cared about. I was desperate to talk to her, to have her say something.

    -RayT
    ——

    Life is so full of ironies.  For example, sometimes people destroy the things they care about the most.  It is not their intention, but through their actions, often influenced by emotion they make mistakes. 

    The things that concerned me about you were all legitimate.  Our interaction gave pause and made me worry.  It was within your ability to alleviate those concerns, but I don’t believe you understood that.

    Although I was the one who wrote about parting ways, there was always a side of me which hoped my feelings for you were not wrong.  That hope is what kept me writing you messages even though you never replied.  Each day I would think, this is *D*, the nicest girl I have ever met, she has a big heart, and she will reply - but instead all I got was silence.

    The silent treatment is more effective than I could ever have realized - especially on me because I have such a big heart.  My feelings of concern, became feelings of guilt.  Did I hurt you so much that you felt never to talk to me again?  And if you hurt that much, wouldn’t that mean you cared? Thinking this only made me feel worse - thus the endless messages.

    At this point all I am seeking is a simple talk.  I can accept that things didn’t work out, but I hate the feeling that I have wronged you or hurt you.  My feeling of guilt is what is killing me.  But what about you *D*?  Are you so final in your judgement of me, that it is beyond your capacity to forgive?  If at some point, there are no more messages from me, will it make you feel good that you inflicted sadness and hurt on me?  I cannot believe this you, not my *D*,

    I still have hope in you.
    that you will find it in your heart,
    to see through everything to what is true.

    ——-

    Not something I would easily put out in a public forum, but perhaps it will help others.  It really shows how desperate I had become.  I didn’t even care about the relationship anymore, I just needed to rid myself of the guilt that I wronged her.  I am a person with a huge heart, and that guilt weighed on me terribly. Made me write her many messages, poems, anything to get her just to talk.

    She is an expert (therapist), so part of me feels she knew exactly what she was doing.  Maybe she thrived on such abuse, got a high from it, perhaps I was not the first person she did this to.  What I do know is once that ‘switch’ was triggered, she sought to inflict maximum damage.

    In my life experiences, she was the most dangerous person I ever met.  If you know of such a person, trust me - just walk away. 

  • On 20th Mar 2015 at 10:21 AM Lex said...

    I am currently 8 months pregnant and expirence this to a T daily.. Everyone thinks my husbands wonderful.. He’s smart, has a good job, good provider but he tells me “he isn’t in love with me” “wish he never met me” ” I was the worst thing he ever did” and I’ll beg him to talk to me and he won’t he will just say things like this why I try to understand what I did wrong.. By the next day he will bring me flowers and make some of my favorite meals we will have a good night and a day later it will start all over.. I have become extremely depressed, I used to love work now going is exhausting cause I have nothing left in me to give, I live an hour away from family.. I never visit anymore, I’m just not happy it’s a struggle to get up.. I was 19, 110lbs, very social.. Just got my massage therapy license and first job in this career when I met my husband he’s ten years older, handsome and I thought I was on top of the world when we met.. He proposed 3 months into us dating I said yes.. I’m 21 now and feel trapped, low self esteem and depressed because now we have a beautiful little girl we are getting ready to welcome and I’m all she has.. He’s threatened to leave me almost on a weekly basis since I got pregnant.. It’s just if your husband can make you feel this vulnerable I feel as if anyone can hurt you.. My mother was extremely abusive she was a drug addict and this form of abuse is the worst Ive ever endured.. My life is almost completely in control of this monster..

  • On 8th Sep 2015 at 03:25 PM lori said...

    i went through alot of that for years.still is scary how many times i think about it and the fact that i still have to deal with my abuser.at first when i met him he was nice and sympathetic and caring and acted like a gentleman.than after i found out i was pregnant (i told him the night we were going to watch a movie in my back yard,he even said to me that night when i wanted to wait till the movie was done but told him beforhand that i had something to tell him after the movie,he kept bugging me to just tell him and that he wanted to know and that he didnt lie and that no one ever believes him even his other ex who put up w his sht for years.wonder why no one believed him.he freaked out when i told him saying how could i do this to him,what was he going to tell his parents,im going to get rid of it?right?right?right?i was in tears and couldnt believe he said those things,he was 25 i was 33.)he berated me for weeks on end to get rid of the baby and how i was ruining his life and that i needed to get rid of it.i remember the day he finally stopped was when we were playing a game of menopoly at his parents new house before they moved all of their things in and he started in on it again.how i had to,and there wasnt much time,and that if i loved him i would get rid of her.so much abuse from him at that time i started crying and said i wanted to go home and he held me down and wouldnt let me go home and said fine fine he would think of a way to tell his parents and everything would be ok.that was just the begining of it all…it got worse over the years.there was also the time i was 5 mo pregnant and he was going to see his ex (who wouldnt be upset,i dont care if they are friends but invite your woman for godsakes.not disclude her at every point unless you have something to hide,wich he did..alot.)i told him that day it was rediculious that he always treated me the way he did and that he didnt love me (he even hid me from his parents till i told him i was keeping the baby.) and that i wanted to go home,he held me down laying over me and pinning me down,hurting me and the baby and said i couldnt go home till i heard what he had to say.his bull was that he was going to take me up there after i had the baby and that he did love me.(all lies,he never did.he had her come down here once and wondered why i got mad when he looked up her dress and lied to her about it and of course i was the bad person for being angry that my then fiance was not only having his ex stay here w him but that he was looking up her dress and telling me she is just a friend.) he would write girls and meet up with them and some for sex,and some just to see if he could get them like he got me and i found his pages online and would confront him (i even emailed him on two different occasions to see what he would say…smh..horrible things..the first time it was lets meet up and play pool and see where it goes from there.the second he was saying how he wanted such a great relationship that would work w the email persona and that how me his ex would try and ruin it and that i was nuts and a million nasty things.all while we were together..smh.he then would lie about it afterwords and on the other one it was i didnt mean it..smh.) he would say he was only meeting them as friends..we would argue and he would say he wouldnt do it again but did.alot.he even convinced two girls to stalk and harrass me and later said when we were together again (yes i feel like an idiot to be tricked so many times into believing him and going back,but i really believed everything he said.) that he had the girl write things online to make me jelious because he still loved me.he convinced me that he wanted to be with me,that he loved me and wouldnt put me and my kids through the hell he had already put us through…but that we had to have a relationship where we would be with other people with each other’s knowledge only and in the same room..i believed everything he said and when we fought it was about his promises…at that time i was catching on that everything he was saying was a lie.he said we would be a family and that we were going to get married and get a house.but it kept dragging on and on and his sudden dissapearences were all to blatent and finding a used condom in a bag in his car didnt help either..oh the lie of a story i got from that one!!that was a cashier must of given his ciggs in the back with that..smh..i would ask him to tell me the truth and if he cheated to just stop.(at that time i knew he was.his gps on his phone said about the trips to certain motels,houses in certain area’s and the phone numbers of girls he was calling on his call log on our shared plan,not to mention more online dating websites that were new of his.) i would have him constantly telling me why dont i ever listen to him and believe him and then he would hit me and it was either that was my fault or he didnt mean to hit me he meant to hit near me or he was just playing…none of those are what you do to a person especially in an argument unless you meant it.he would also give me the silent treatment alot or just not answer the phone or not meet me when he said he would.it made me so upset i didnt know what to do anymore and yes the texts back and forth and the blatent disrespect and abuse everytime he would make me cry.i would get why are you crying now jesus christ!!! i would say because you are making me misrable.you dont care how i feel,you dont even listen,you dont care how you treat me at all…at that time yes i had given up.i was a mess.the abuse had taken it’s toll…he would just roll over and say whatever,just shut up so i can go to work in the morning.dont talk about it,just ignore what you are doing to someone.i even kept saying we need counsiling and he would say no i do im nuts.always the same thing.that is all he ever did over and over and over again.it’s everyone else but him..the worst part twards that end was when he hit me right infront of the kids and my niece and her husband and her kids in the mouth,and his big excuse was i didnt hit you (my mouth was bleeding) i was just trying to shut you up.he had hit me many times and always verbally abused me but had never hit me infront of them till that point.i had tried 2 weeks later to still make it work when he said lets go out for a night together.i went (worst mistake) and it was horrible.he was as unloving and uncaring as usual and it had been a horrible night.so i told him and then it was it is always my fault,to affectionate,want to talk,wont shut up…ect ect..we argued all the way to his car because he was hiding that we were still together from the girl he was seeing behind my back and hiding it from his parents because that is what he always did.(but my mom knew i was with him and where we were.plus he always liked to make up stories about me to others and to his parents that weren’t true.i loved one of them was i was on drugs.that one was funny.i was on blood thinners for my pregnancy and had to remain on them for a few weeks and had the syringe in the diaper bag.the only one that was ever taking drugs was him,spice,pot,acid,and misculaious drugs,he was even selling his pain killers to his coworkers from when he went to the dentist.he knew i didnt like them because of another ex of mine in the past.so it was she is crazy she is on drugs and show texts of me mad as heck for being lied to and forgotten again and would say oh no he wasnt seeing me this night ect it was im nuts..smh..you get the picture.) i once said to him you didnt act this way when i met you and he said to me i only acted that way to get you and now that i have you i can be the real me…i said i liked the other one better..the real him still scares the sht out of me!!! now that we aren’t together and haven’t been for sometime i will say it has been a long hard process to try to get back to myself and to try and stand up for me and to try and intagrate myself into the real world again.it is made harder by the fact that yes i still have to deal with him,and yes he has done the having his friends and gf’s,ect stalk me,intimidate me,and harrass me,and trying to do the same mind sht to our daughter..(talked to councelers about it and they still aren’t helping her enough :( but i have done what they say on don’t let him bait me w messages ect,ignore it when he becomes abusive and trys his monipulation.i will write him k or very few words because i wont be sucked in.).but i won’t let it break me ever again.i will continue to keep trying to stand up for me n mine and not give into it and make me weak and powerless like he did before.

  • On 21st Feb 2016 at 02:44 PM Chastity Gray said...

    3 weeks ago a friend and I got into an argument over the phone. He told me that after he finished speaking, there is a pause from me which he finds annoying ( I am shy and was thinking of what to say next).  Frustrated with my self, I said ” I don’t know why I do this sh**.  I told him I wasn’t angry at him but frustrated with my shyness while I talk on the phone. He kept on asking me if I was really angry at him and I told him no. Then we started talking like normal, but at the end of the conversation, he told me that he was upset and couldn’t let what I said go, and that during our conversation he felt like shouting at me. He has anger issues and became hostile with me saying things like fu** it over and over, despite me telling him to calm down, and that I was sorry for my choice of words. He even said that if I were to kill myself, it would be my fault and that if I told him “I don’t know why I do this sh** again, he will tell me to fu** off and not talk to me again.  When I became upset over how he was acting toward me, he said that he felt no pity and that I should act like a fu****g adult. He made sniffling, crying noises over the phone in a mocking way. Then he said he wants me to think about what I said and don’t contact him, and maybe one day I can say something nice to him, or not. Now silence. This is not the first time he has gotten upset with me and then used silence. Just a few months ago he did this and again it was over something trivial. I know I could have used a better choice of words, but the way he reacted was extreme. I do find that I have to be alert when talking to him, I even have to speak in a certain way (softly), and he is a volatile person and has been through many relationships. He argues a lot with his current girlfriend and has threatened to smash his neighbor’s face. He doesn’t have many friends as many of them bailed out. I tried to be there for him because he also has dealt with anxiety and when he needed advice, I would give it. Should I give up on him as well? We are both 36 years old by the way

  • On 18th Mar 2016 at 06:45 PM d said...

    The silence is worse. I would rather have my arm broken again than the silence. I went from one relationship to another both I saw,the signs,yet closed my eyes to what I knew inside. At first always so good then the hurting begins. This is now the fifth silence treatment. I have done some of the bad texting trying to get a response but nothing. Why does it tear me up so much. Wasn’t the part relationship enough fir me 14yeara of ut. Then to start to rebuild only to end up in another unhealthy relationship. I know I am to blame as well. A product of my bad choices. I know right from wrong yet I still let myself fall back into the negative patterns. Luckily not as much or long stuck in this shit mode. Now to stay strong and not bow down when the S.o.b. Calls. Not as much invested in this one if I stay strong and turn away I will be fine. If I don’t. Not thinking that way. Walking forward..the

  • On 4th Apr 2016 at 07:24 AM Jayne Bollman said...

    Fortunately my daughter ened a relationship with this kind of abuser after only 7 months. But the effects have been devastating to her and it is taking time for her to heal.

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